Friday, March 13, 2009

one foot in the grave

thats what S said to me to day...I have one foot in the grave. My poassium is low, I have to take supplements...I cry all the time...I sleep all the time...i cant think straight...I puke all the time...everything just sucks

Z

11 comments:

PTC said...

you need to go back to the hospital, but this time for more than 2 weeks.

Zena said...

I dont want to...really I just dont think I have it in me to fight much, the hospital wont help me...this ting is going to kill me

belinda said...

baby,
this is really scary.
you need to go to hospital, you can't give in, you can't. i need you here. and so do your beautiful babies.

you are tired
but i know you DO have the fight in you.

keep talking honey.
i am really worried for you.

bella.x

Just Eat It! said...

I have so much faith in you. Keep fighting the good fight, even if it means having to go back to the hospital.

PTC said...

With that attitude you will die, and your kids will grow up not having a mother. How does that sound to you?

zubeldia said...

honey, sorry not to have been around lately. I think of you often.
But, Tara, this is so serious. You're going to HAVE to do something, even if that's hospital for a long, long while. You deserve a life, your kids deserve a mum, and your friends and family deserve you... healthy and happy.

I think you know what you have to do, babe. I have asked you many time what will help you heal, and my very real and honest thoughts around this is that your current life and relationships are ed-promoting. I know you are dealing with so much old trauma, but my guess is that your contemporary life is extremely traumatic.

You can do this, hon, but something REALLY radical needs to change.

Zena said...

I am sorry I didnt mean to worry anybody...I am just am feeling really sorry for myself...I know I can do this its just so hard.I cant go to the hospital there is noone to watch my kids...really there is no one to watch them at all..if I were dead someone would HAVE to step up to the plate.

Zuby,
I have missed you love, and know I think of you often as well..you and the little bean. Mikes going to go into a rehab soon as long as I can get it together somewhat...he has admitted he is an alcoholic and thats the first step...S thinks I can do this OP, she says I just have to figure out how to brek the compulsion to purge and restrict...thats what I am trying to figure out now...blahhh.

On a happy note today is A's 6th birthday party, and it should be a blast...

love, Z

Jena said...

((((Zena))))
You know something... you will be the BEST mother to your kids if you can first take care of yourself. I truly agree with the others who know you the best, that you should get to a hospital. I know it's humbling and it seems ridiculous to do it, especially now- like 'what's the big deal anyway?' Right? That's kind of how I felt before I was forced to go there myself for my own issues. Sometimes you don't realize the extent that you need that help until you get it. If you do really need the hospital, don't worry about minor home related stuff! Your health is a matter of life and death at this point. Your kids will get that additional support. They won't be alone to fend for themselves. These things work out. But your life is at risk and those kids need their mommy and they need their mommy to be healthy.
Loving you always.
Jena xoxo

firefly said...

Hey Tara: I know that taking care of your kids is what you feel you must do but as you said it if you were dead then someone would have to step up to the plate. Tara, you need to get lasting help now. You know what they always say in airplanes to put your mask on first before helping your children? You aren't doing that. It worries me that you won't be around to take care of the kids. I think you may find yourself back in a program if you don't practice self care. You know this time I'm in treatment has been the longest time. It is because I'm not telling them I only have a certain amount of time instead I'm letting the experts decide when I'm done.
Hope A had a great birthday! Thinking of you!

Zena said...

Guys I know you all are routing for me but I am not, I dont think I have it in me to fight this dirorder, I really think its gonna kill me I walk around with chest pains that feellike a heart attack..like I know what that feels like..lol...I know I need to practice self care but I cant do it just for my kids besides if I dont cut my shit out A will get an ED and then I would really kill myself... I would love long term care to really nip this in the bud but a) we have no money and b) no childcare...I either need to die or ste p up to the plate and really I dont know which is a better option right now...sorry to be such a bummer but that how I honestly feel...

love, Z

PTC said...

I know a program that will take you for free!! You're in NY, you could do it if you really wanted to. Someone could step up to help out with the kids.