as to qoute PTC..."I had a good sesh with S tonight" M and I went together and whew let me tell you it was good , intense but good. He showed allot of concern over the exercise and S kept saying we need Zena to take ownership of her illness, if she cant follow the guidelines then her privalges will be yanked...which means i some how must consume another 500 calories plus the dinner I JUST had..ugh...FUCK me!! SO that also means iam takinga rest day tomorrow...yep that means no running folks..blaahhhh again...
I saw the good DOC A today and she rambeled on about my body eating itself and i listened intently and nodded at the right places and then she said well your down from last time so i want to see you in 6 weeks with a 3 week check in with DR.S..oh joy.
So anyway we talked allot about exercise tonight...fun stuff...M compared it to like say shes not eating right, so we let her run...thats like saying hey M you cant drink but you can smoke pot even though they both make you nuts...S laughed and said yes M but she need s to own this we cant tell her what to so...so you know what folks I will prove them all wrong..i will follow my MP and I will run 5 days a week and I will not purge and I will win this war!!! hell yeah sista speak it!!!
Its still so hot here i cant stand it, its suppossed to cool down but hell this summer weather well rocks and sucks at the same time..you know I love the heat but shorts suck...
so anyway today was a good day except i got lost dropping the kids off to the moms work..drove around for like an hour...got lost trying to make my way from moms said work to Doc As and lost on my way back in total spent 3.5 hours in the car and missed lunch hence the massive snack i have to have tonight...ugh..well folks thats about it..I will prove them all wrong...i will persevere and i will win this war!!!!
Have faith in me folks i can do this. hope everyones day rocked out like mine did..off to h ave my super snack!!
Love, Z
Showing posts with label S and K. Show all posts
Showing posts with label S and K. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
SO far SO good
well today is my second purge free day, following my MP 100%. I havent had a "streak" of purge free days in I cant remeber how long. M is being reall great and supportive. We went to see S this morning TOGETHER...and we are doing this..we are taking some of the maudsley approach and mixing in some of our own stuff. Like I am to be made more respobsible for making my own decisions. When I dont want to eat we are to talk it out but in essence i have 2 choices eat or hospital, I am choosing to eat. We are to look to our faith for guidence...we are to go see our pastor well our old pastor for guidence, I think that will really help.
We talked allot about what will be expected from me and what will be expected from M. How he is to start off making the meals but as time goes on I am to start to help and then slowly take over the job. He is to basiclly sit back and watch as I go about my routine as to help me adjust to doing this REcovery in my home enviroment. Once M goes back to work I am to have my morning snack with S and my breakfast with him befoere he leaves for work, Lunch will be with the kiddies and and dinner will either be with M or my mom... but for know I am not to be alone we are like glued at the hip...its actually kind of nice to feel this close to someone, I havent felt this way in a long time.
I see K 2xs this week yesterday ...and tomorrow. SHe made me up a new 1500 cal MP and said to start with that and in a week or 2 we will start to bump it up...I am already freaking about the bump up but I wont think about it now, I have NO need to get ahead of myslef. I am not going to tell you this is going to be all roses but I have a really positive feeling about this.
I am willing to be a willing not willful participant in my REcovery. I see my Pdoc tomorrow and will update her on the situation...of all the weeks events and how poorly I handeled myslef and how I feel now...optomistic... I wonder if some of my bad judgements were because I was slightly manic, I was making rash, impulsive decisions and not thinking clearly, of course it could have all been due to malnutrition as well so we shall see what she has to say.
S was great about evrything and I think she was really suprized about my sudden change of heart. I went from miss doom and gloom to miss...well miss I can!!!I appreciate ALL the support and suggestions everyone has given me, I think this time I am really going to make it...I know I have said this before but I have some faith back and that is a real kicker for me.
Much love to you all,
Z
We talked allot about what will be expected from me and what will be expected from M. How he is to start off making the meals but as time goes on I am to start to help and then slowly take over the job. He is to basiclly sit back and watch as I go about my routine as to help me adjust to doing this REcovery in my home enviroment. Once M goes back to work I am to have my morning snack with S and my breakfast with him befoere he leaves for work, Lunch will be with the kiddies and and dinner will either be with M or my mom... but for know I am not to be alone we are like glued at the hip...its actually kind of nice to feel this close to someone, I havent felt this way in a long time.
I see K 2xs this week yesterday ...and tomorrow. SHe made me up a new 1500 cal MP and said to start with that and in a week or 2 we will start to bump it up...I am already freaking about the bump up but I wont think about it now, I have NO need to get ahead of myslef. I am not going to tell you this is going to be all roses but I have a really positive feeling about this.
I am willing to be a willing not willful participant in my REcovery. I see my Pdoc tomorrow and will update her on the situation...of all the weeks events and how poorly I handeled myslef and how I feel now...optomistic... I wonder if some of my bad judgements were because I was slightly manic, I was making rash, impulsive decisions and not thinking clearly, of course it could have all been due to malnutrition as well so we shall see what she has to say.
S was great about evrything and I think she was really suprized about my sudden change of heart. I went from miss doom and gloom to miss...well miss I can!!!I appreciate ALL the support and suggestions everyone has given me, I think this time I am really going to make it...I know I have said this before but I have some faith back and that is a real kicker for me.
Much love to you all,
Z
Friday, February 20, 2009
So hes coming
AACCCKKKKKK
I saw S today and it went really well we talked about allot of stuff...heavy stuff dad stuff and she...WE decieded that he needs to come in for a session. To much of our time has been spent on keeping me stable and not dying and stuff like that to work on any of the real core issues...well she doesnt think I will get any more stable then I am roight now unless we work on the real stuff, SO I called and told him we wanted him to come in for a session and well he hasnt called back yet but I am sure he will come in and if not then I will X in from my life cause I have allot of questions like what the hell does he mean forgive and forget the past ...what is he talking about?? Like the way he still touches me , the long hugs the touching of my rear area..the careessing...
can I tell you guys I am scared shit less.
I am scared out of my britches and I have to have an agenda in doing this, I have to go on with both my feet planted firmly on the floor and no backing down, cause I know I just know he will cry...he will try and turn the session into a sob fest for him but S said she wont let that happen. That she is in my corner, and we will fight him together.
Its up to me how far we dig into the trauma stuff, like him just maybe admitting that he has severe boundrie issues likr maybe that will be enough for now but I cant keep avoiding him and hope that he goes away casue he doesnt seem to be going anywhere..he keeps calling and professing his love for me. Well how to you do what he did and actually love teh person or maybe that show you show love at least thats what he thinks..oui ve I am scared.
SO Alyssa left today well she gets on the plane in 15 min. for the good old state of florida. I am so nervous about her flying. I HATE PLANES!!! they crash and stuff..yuck o. but I know I cant control teh plane and I have to just trust god that all will be well...PLease god let all go well...dont let her be scared, keep her safe..and give me peace!!!
Zack has been at winter camp all week and its so cute hes having a blast ( our church puts it on)..tehy have been going to all sorts of places, bowling, jeepers, rollerskating...and well when he comes home he is so excited to tell ALyssa all about his day, they hug for like 20 min, and dont want to leave each others side...she told him she would bring him back a transformer and he was like cool kids are so cute.
Baby Isaiah, is really comeing into his own he was cracking everybody up at the airport, I gave ALyssa money and he wanted some so I gave him a dollar...he was running around the terminal area waving his dollar thinking he was all big and bad it was hysterical.
My friend A is coming over for dinner tonight and is staying til M gets home so there wont be any purging tonight!!! and I havent purged yet today and I called K and told her and she was so happy, she was like call me tomorrow and tell me how great your day goes then too...so I will, once I get one good day others seem to follow..so yeah for me on NO PURGING!!!!
M found out about purging at Ks office he was so dissapointed..I felt so sad for letting him down but like K says its in the past and I must live in the present!!! well I hope all you ladies have a great weekend I am going to make sure I do!!!
Love, Z
I saw S today and it went really well we talked about allot of stuff...heavy stuff dad stuff and she...WE decieded that he needs to come in for a session. To much of our time has been spent on keeping me stable and not dying and stuff like that to work on any of the real core issues...well she doesnt think I will get any more stable then I am roight now unless we work on the real stuff, SO I called and told him we wanted him to come in for a session and well he hasnt called back yet but I am sure he will come in and if not then I will X in from my life cause I have allot of questions like what the hell does he mean forgive and forget the past ...what is he talking about?? Like the way he still touches me , the long hugs the touching of my rear area..the careessing...
can I tell you guys I am scared shit less.
I am scared out of my britches and I have to have an agenda in doing this, I have to go on with both my feet planted firmly on the floor and no backing down, cause I know I just know he will cry...he will try and turn the session into a sob fest for him but S said she wont let that happen. That she is in my corner, and we will fight him together.
Its up to me how far we dig into the trauma stuff, like him just maybe admitting that he has severe boundrie issues likr maybe that will be enough for now but I cant keep avoiding him and hope that he goes away casue he doesnt seem to be going anywhere..he keeps calling and professing his love for me. Well how to you do what he did and actually love teh person or maybe that show you show love at least thats what he thinks..oui ve I am scared.
SO Alyssa left today well she gets on the plane in 15 min. for the good old state of florida. I am so nervous about her flying. I HATE PLANES!!! they crash and stuff..yuck o. but I know I cant control teh plane and I have to just trust god that all will be well...PLease god let all go well...dont let her be scared, keep her safe..and give me peace!!!
Zack has been at winter camp all week and its so cute hes having a blast ( our church puts it on)..tehy have been going to all sorts of places, bowling, jeepers, rollerskating...and well when he comes home he is so excited to tell ALyssa all about his day, they hug for like 20 min, and dont want to leave each others side...she told him she would bring him back a transformer and he was like cool kids are so cute.
Baby Isaiah, is really comeing into his own he was cracking everybody up at the airport, I gave ALyssa money and he wanted some so I gave him a dollar...he was running around the terminal area waving his dollar thinking he was all big and bad it was hysterical.
My friend A is coming over for dinner tonight and is staying til M gets home so there wont be any purging tonight!!! and I havent purged yet today and I called K and told her and she was so happy, she was like call me tomorrow and tell me how great your day goes then too...so I will, once I get one good day others seem to follow..so yeah for me on NO PURGING!!!!
M found out about purging at Ks office he was so dissapointed..I felt so sad for letting him down but like K says its in the past and I must live in the present!!! well I hope all you ladies have a great weekend I am going to make sure I do!!!
Love, Z
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
on my own
I have only one day left of PHP and thats thursday so i saw K last night and we made menus for today and wenesday and I am to call her per anyy problems I might have...so I just went grocery shopping and got all the goods needed to complete my mp....ekkkkk Im on my own here folks and I am a little scared..okay you got me ALLOT scared.
I ate breakfast this morning and my morning snack and I am well ahhh anxious as all hell
S emailed me yesterday and said I am to have daily goals and at times weekly goals..she not putting up with any of my crap anymore. I think this is it either I recover this time or Im fired...my greatest fear...I dont think she would fire me but you never know aIm sure after nearly 8 years she is getting a little fed up with my antics...god knows Iam fed up with myself so how could she not be.
I spoke with K about it last night ...I told her if S fires me thenI will kill myself, then I added you too ( speaking to K) I dont think I could lose my Tx team and face the world I honestly dont know how some of you do it..I NEED them to help me Recover.
M is being ubber suportive and for that I am grateful. I was fighting with the PHP people telling them I could only attend 2 days this week instead of the agreed apon 3days because I need to attend Z and As valentines day partys..whats one day going to mean anyway. So as I am fighting with the hospital M goes " dont piss them off, youll need them for next time" WTF next time. he scrambled for words and stammered well not that youll need it but incase you do...so at least he doesnt expect me to be perfect but I am refusing to go into more intensive tx unless I am dying at least not for a year...I am planning on making this work this time...really and truly for real I am done with hospitals. I need to take it off teh table and work my ass of at Recovery!!!!!
gosh I am anxious.
Iam suppossed to be trying to find myself...how does one find ones self??? hmmmm K wants me to try pottery. I did the wheel while I was IP and I loved it...so is that finding me...I read allot about you guys doing fun stuff like yoga and sewing and video games, so wouldnt pottery be a good start??? I am also supposed to be reading a book I ENJOY for 15 min a day but geez all this me time is pushing it you know...not that I have yet to have taken any of the me time...but when I do well I just wont know how to handle it.:)
I am going to try restoritive yoga. We did it in tx and It was very relaxing...not exercise just relaxing. AS Iam still not allowed to exercise and probally wont be able to for about a year or so, I just cant handle it yet and I have come to terms with it...So Z =s no exercise and Iam okay with it.
I also need to figure out what the hell I am goign to do about the dad thing...my mom keeps pestering me to tell I cant see him for 6 months but I am not so sure thats teh best answer I mean wouldnt that be just avoiding it all. The D man stopped by the other day but I wasnt home. He left me a big stuffed dog and some diapers...maybe hes trying maybe hes changed, maybe hes not teh same man he was...so many maybes.
ugh
so here Iam folks doing recovery for real on my own!!!
okay love you all
Z
I ate breakfast this morning and my morning snack and I am well ahhh anxious as all hell
S emailed me yesterday and said I am to have daily goals and at times weekly goals..she not putting up with any of my crap anymore. I think this is it either I recover this time or Im fired...my greatest fear...I dont think she would fire me but you never know aIm sure after nearly 8 years she is getting a little fed up with my antics...god knows Iam fed up with myself so how could she not be.
I spoke with K about it last night ...I told her if S fires me thenI will kill myself, then I added you too ( speaking to K) I dont think I could lose my Tx team and face the world I honestly dont know how some of you do it..I NEED them to help me Recover.
M is being ubber suportive and for that I am grateful. I was fighting with the PHP people telling them I could only attend 2 days this week instead of the agreed apon 3days because I need to attend Z and As valentines day partys..whats one day going to mean anyway. So as I am fighting with the hospital M goes " dont piss them off, youll need them for next time" WTF next time. he scrambled for words and stammered well not that youll need it but incase you do...so at least he doesnt expect me to be perfect but I am refusing to go into more intensive tx unless I am dying at least not for a year...I am planning on making this work this time...really and truly for real I am done with hospitals. I need to take it off teh table and work my ass of at Recovery!!!!!
gosh I am anxious.
Iam suppossed to be trying to find myself...how does one find ones self??? hmmmm K wants me to try pottery. I did the wheel while I was IP and I loved it...so is that finding me...I read allot about you guys doing fun stuff like yoga and sewing and video games, so wouldnt pottery be a good start??? I am also supposed to be reading a book I ENJOY for 15 min a day but geez all this me time is pushing it you know...not that I have yet to have taken any of the me time...but when I do well I just wont know how to handle it.:)
I am going to try restoritive yoga. We did it in tx and It was very relaxing...not exercise just relaxing. AS Iam still not allowed to exercise and probally wont be able to for about a year or so, I just cant handle it yet and I have come to terms with it...So Z =s no exercise and Iam okay with it.
I also need to figure out what the hell I am goign to do about the dad thing...my mom keeps pestering me to tell I cant see him for 6 months but I am not so sure thats teh best answer I mean wouldnt that be just avoiding it all. The D man stopped by the other day but I wasnt home. He left me a big stuffed dog and some diapers...maybe hes trying maybe hes changed, maybe hes not teh same man he was...so many maybes.
ugh
so here Iam folks doing recovery for real on my own!!!
okay love you all
Z
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