Run..Run..Run away little girl

running has always been an escape for me. I have been running since I was a tween, ands its always made me feel well HAPPY!!..as happy as diet coke does, and well thats pretty happy..its always made me feel high and endorphinized ( is that a word). I try to find that kinda happiness in other ways, but alas it has always alluded me... I just came back from a nice run and felt good for all of about 5 min. then t he "high" left and i was left alone with my thoughts again..and so what, so what is wrong with my thoughts...well they suck thats whats wrong with them. they hurt me and scare me and make me want to cry...I am feeling more vulnerable right now casue i just ate a frozen dinner and now i want to cry even more.

anyway S has asked what the heck am i running away from so that s what I am here to figure out...I think it boils down to running from my thoughts I mean what else could it be....without the running I feel deflated, let down and sad. And of course cause i have OCD what i run is never enough...I remember when I used to run 12-13miles a day and how that was still never enough ...It only numbed me as long as I was running...as long as i felt the pain in my legs...I couldnt feel the pain in my heart...So what is the pain in my heart that i am running from...abandonment maybe. Maybe this shit all stems from dad shit, from being left alone when i was 8 to feel the emptiness of a single parent household. left with a mother who was so unstable herself she couldnt even take care of her own kids...she had to rely on her mother to do it...and I I became angry another feeling that i hate.

I do my best not to feel anger...another feeling i run from, I almost never get mad unless its at my kids and s its usually cause they are being so bold I dont know what to do ...its more of an exhaustion I feel with them...of not know ing what to do...so i run from it, i run from pain, anger, confrontation...anything that might make me even slightly uncomfortable..i run from it...and with only being allowed to run 3-4 miles a day i have taken up other forms of running from my pain...my feelings...i drink.

I Drink away my pain...so I run even more...i need to learn to confront, to sit with and to deal with my pain, and feelings and anything thing else that might make me feel uncomfortable.

I think once I can learn to deal with my feeling I could be cured of my eating disorder cause yes its still about wieght..body distortion and food, its about so much more, its just an escape. An escape into my own reality...where the pain of the world cant hurt me, where i wont let it hurt me...I wrap myself up into this little cocoon and run away from everything...only all this running is killing me..literaly and figurtivly.

Its killing my family

Its killing my soul

Its killing my heart

I need to learn to feel or at least allow myself to feel..I need to to stop running at some point...I need to learn to sit with it...I just need to...right???

Love, Z

Well I tryed....

I saw S today and went in hopeful and walked out ummmm PISSED OFF!!!! why pre tell you ask, well I will tell you why and I am sure you are all going to say this is your ED talking but I beg to differ I mean I have a real brain and sometimes I even ":)

I asked a purely legitmate queation and prayed I would get a fair answer I mean really I want it so bad...what do I want???I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats...well I want to RUN!!!!! now i will tell you why...and its not cause I am fat ( although that is part of it ) but really i want to feel free...i want to feel my lungs burn again...I want my muscels to be sore i want to feel like my body has a purpose a real purpose.

I will give you a little background exercise was officially taken away from a year ago april 30th..i was very sick and almost died, my heart rate was in the low thirtys and my EKGS were off the charts bad. I was on a feeding tube and like I said almost died..tehn I went to remuda and they saved my life...i came home still on exercise restriction. We tryed it for a week last November and I was immediatly banned due to abuse...whatever. I have changed...my mind has changed...I thinks. I want Recovery!!! I do I swears it!!

So anyway i left pissed off cause my suggestion of a month symptom free and S says to me//" Oh so you want to play symptom swap" WTF man...No I dont want to symptom swap I want to run.. I want to be free...I want to feel freedom...the wind in my hair. Ugh I just wantto run and I have lots of reasons none of which seem to matter cause every one thinks I will abuse the privledge. I am so sick of never controlling anything.

Damit I want to run and noone will let me...so folks I tryed..and I failed


Mission aborted

Life sucks and apparently so do I....


Love, Z
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