Friday, April 10, 2009

Well I tryed....

I saw S today and went in hopeful and walked out ummmm PISSED OFF!!!! why pre tell you ask, well I will tell you why and I am sure you are all going to say this is your ED talking but I beg to differ I mean I have a real brain and sometimes I even ":)

I asked a purely legitmate queation and prayed I would get a fair answer I mean really I want it so bad...what do I want???I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats...well I want to RUN!!!!! now i will tell you why...and its not cause I am fat ( although that is part of it ) but really i want to feel free...i want to feel my lungs burn again...I want my muscels to be sore i want to feel like my body has a purpose a real purpose.

I will give you a little background exercise was officially taken away from a year ago april 30th..i was very sick and almost died, my heart rate was in the low thirtys and my EKGS were off the charts bad. I was on a feeding tube and like I said almost died..tehn I went to remuda and they saved my life...i came home still on exercise restriction. We tryed it for a week last November and I was immediatly banned due to abuse...whatever. I have changed...my mind has changed...I thinks. I want Recovery!!! I do I swears it!!

So anyway i left pissed off cause my suggestion of a month symptom free and S says to me//" Oh so you want to play symptom swap" WTF man...No I dont want to symptom swap I want to run.. I want to be free...I want to feel freedom...the wind in my hair. Ugh I just wantto run and I have lots of reasons none of which seem to matter cause every one thinks I will abuse the privledge. I am so sick of never controlling anything.

Damit I want to run and noone will let me...so folks I tryed..and I failed


Mission aborted

Life sucks and apparently so do I....


Love, Z
e

12 comments:

Zena said...

I just realized how very pissed at S I am...geeez its just a run with my legs not like I ant permission to puke..i should just tell her to screw off...maybe its the vodka talking...yes I am that pissed........

Z

Jena said...

Oh dear. Hun, you better take care of yourself... I'm worried about you. *hugs* hang in there, and try to keep your feet on the ground ok?
Love, Jena

Zena said...

my feet are planted firmly..unfortunaly...

PTC said...

She's just watching out for you. Sometimes people know you better than you know yourself.

Zena said...

okay folks well...dont DRink and eat when you are EDed...binged last night must fast today and thus the cycle continues..ohhh but I didnt purge....so thats liek a good thing right?? passed out instead..ugh

lisalisa said...

Z-

I'm sorry you got such a trite answer from your therapist! It sounds like you just want to reclaim something that makes you feel like yourself again, without neccessarily being unhealthy. Am i making any sense? Be careful with that vodka! I'll be thinking about you. Will "they" let you walk for excercise?

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Z,

Maybe instead of being passive-aggressive with your anger and hurting yourself.. maybe you could write a letter to your therapist explaining how angry you are, etc.

Recovery isn't just about not purging. It involves doing something else with your emotions, other than a self-destructive behavior. You hurting yourself isn't going to help your chances of running again - in fact, I'd be willing to bet it will hinder those chances.

S.

zubeldia said...

honey. I'll say that, honestly, I think running is a horrible idea, no matter your intentions. For one, I think it's too interconnected with your ed - and it HAS been an undeniable way of purhging for you.. or even just a means to give yourself permission to eat.

Are there other options? For instance, an exercise which is muscle building: how about cycling outside or ROWING! I mention both of these because they are not exercises which lead to a very thin muscle; rather, they are very much about health and fitness and FREEDOM.

what do you think?

Zena said...

Z,

I know you are so right...Its just so hard to hear...so hard.

we have talked to the 9th degree about what i could do...I am allowed to do the following right now...walk 2xs a week and try pilates 2xs a week but the urge while being out side is to run and its a very strong urge... Icould ask if I could try a cycleing class...that seems fun I really dont think i could do rowing cause there was sucha strong corralation between my rowing and my running I mean i used to go for a 6 mile endurance run then row...or visa versa...running was always part of my rowing training and I have yet to figure out how to seperate the 2... I know running has always been a purge...but I want it so badly to be normal.

love Z

Zena said...

S,

I talked with S about how unfair I thought she was being but she said she was just looking out for my best interest...i could write her an email but i dont want her to think I am being obsessive about the exercise...she might take it away all together and then I would really be pissed..its just so hard to know what is me and what is teh ED you know...passive-aggressive...do you mean by the drinking casue if so you are definately right and the only person I hurt was myself..sigh...

Lisa,
yes!!! YES!!! i want to reclaim me...I guess she just thinks I am not ready yet...amd least not in that sense...i told her I didnt think I really had an ED her words " you do and its severe"...then came the whole symptom swap comment...blahhh thanks for the thoughts dear one. You too will be in mine!!!

Love, Z

joann said...

Honey xoxo, I read through all your posts cause at the moment I'm having my time off the Internet, my school exams are approaching and I'm just so so messed up and disorganised that I try everything to focus on revising...

I agree with what zubeldia wrote above, try something else, not running. Try some exercises which are not so connected with your restricting past but something you could associate with breaking yourself free of those obssesive thoughts. Cycling, yoga, rollers? (: something really pleasant

I love your list of 29 things to do, stick to them, Hun :* i'm your quite guardian, even though my presence probably isn't something you're convinced of. Be strong and try, try despite all the obstacles. Don't forget you're worth it. You're worth gaining control of your own life and thoughts and simply getting the grip.

Love, Sunny xxx

Just Be Real said...

zena, so sorry for all this crap happening. I know you are really feeling the pain. Please be gentle with yourself dear one.