Saturday, April 4, 2009

the path to Recovery BLOWS

thats where I am at folks finding this road bumpy and hard and trying not to self sabotage...however the fuck you spell that. I over ate last night..blahhhh...want to restrict today..know thats not the answer but its what feels "right" you know.

I had one of A's friend spend the night yesterday...which leads to stress..of course cause the 4 of them being so close in age FIGHT like demon children...I tell you like little monsters of course they were up bright and early 6:45 am blahhh and so that's was good for my MP but alas here we are 2 hours later and I have not had breakfast yet..WTF..I need to get my ass on track!!!

I was reading Karasblog and she was talking about sitting with feelings and I was thinking that is exactly what I need to do..sit with it..whatever it is.


i need a bunch of support guys cause yesterday sucked ass and I really need to get back on track today....SUPPORT ME PLEASE!!!

yesterday S and I were talking about grief and loss, How I am grieving the loss of my ED and how sad it makes me, like there is this huge hole in my life and I dont know how to fix it...blahhhh I am so sad guys I miss the comfort my ED brought me..i dont know how to deal...i am so sad...sad I tell you...I amsitting here in my pajamas feeling like a big lump of shit and I dont know how to get out of this rut.Fuck I will not go back I will not!!!

ookay guys SUPPORT ME!! tell me how great I am, and that I can do this cause right now my faith is really wavering.

Love, Z

16 comments:

PTC said...

You don't have a choice, you can'T go back. It's life or death. that's what you are choosing.

PTC said...

You can do it.

Telstaar said...

Darling, you CAN do this and you ARE doing this. The ed is still very much there, its just that you're not actively engaging in all the behaviours. One step at a time hun, you can do it, you can you can you can!

It's good that you're asking for help hun, that shows that you know you can do it with extra support. One day might've been crappy (actually a whole lot have been crap for you) but it doesn't mean the next minute, hour, or day has to be! Keep holding on, you've got so much to live for you, its just hard to see that sometimes.

*huggles*

Borderline Lil said...

Of COURSE you can do it Z, you have to -- you have to choose to live and live well for your little ones. You know where the track is, get back on it.

Zena said...

OMG my guys thankyou..PTC..you are right I cant go back but i want to so bad....

tels...yes one min at a time thats how I am taking this..

LIL, thanks for commenting...yes I do know what track i need to be on...I just emailed my T...I am freaking about breakfast..fuck I just need to do it!!!

love, Z

Just Eat It! said...

I support you 100 percent! I know you can do this. You always give me great advice, and I hope you can take it to heart yourself. You are great, wonderful, beautiful, strong. :)

I know what you mean about grieving the loss of ED. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I feel like I've lost my best friend sometimes because it was a comfort.

Remember, every day is a new day. Sending hugs your way!

PTC said...

Again, you don't have a choice!!

Zena said...

Just eat it,
thankyou...very touched by your comment thankyou,,yes it is a great loss and it makes me very sad...but I know I must push on...hmmmm..big sigh

PTC, love your tough love approach...

I will do it..I swearsies

love, Z

Zena said...

okay I ate my yogurt....oh balls

PTC said...

Glad you ate your yogurt, now have something else!!

Zena said...

PTC,
you re pushing it babe...trigger....










I just tryed on my size 4 skirt and it barely fits...i m fucking growing and not in a good way...out...not up

Z

PTC said...

I am triggering you?

PTC said...

Oh, I missed the last part of your comment.

You have to decide what you want!! That's what it boils down to. Do you want to live or do you want to die and leave your children without a mother. I'm not saying it's easy, but you've gotta decide.

Zena said...

Of course you are not triggering me...i would tell you. believe me..i know I need to deciede..Iand I have...i was just on SF and readin some posts..I do not want to be good at a "mental illness"..and thats what an ED is...blahhhh almost lunch time

Love, Z

firefly said...

Z: I'm so glad that you ate. That is a step in the right direction. Go you! I understand the sadness thing. It's hard when you know you can't afford to stay in the ed and doing the right thing but inside it feels so wrong. Do you get that? The inner battle is raging and although it might be hard you can beat this! You are doing the hard work now. It is easier to remain sick and give into the ed. The hard work is fighting it everyday. You can do this girl!

PTC said...

Ugh, I hate when Charro refers to it as an "illness."