Saturday, April 18, 2009

what it does for me??

funny JD that you shouls ask those questions cause my T and I were just discussing what AN does for me... and what bulmia does not do...

Here gos my list AN makes me :

feel strong

in control

like I am worth something

like I can do what others cant

it makes me feel pretty

In my T assignment..I am to rebutt these statements with the "truth"

so it here it goes

It makes me weak

it It takes away all my power

It makes me different cause I have a mental illness

It makes me gaunt and sickly looking

I know, well at least I think I I know that when you all keep challanging with saying "what about your family" you are doing it because you care but in reality it only hurts my Recovery and I will tell you why...

My T says I cant do this for anyone else it has to be for me or it wont stick...I have tried doing it for my family, for tx centers...for everyone but me there is a missing piece thhat I have yet to figure out...anyway but I whole life I have been taking care of other pepole, my mom, my sisters, my dad, my H and then my kids...I love my kids but i do not love myself and until I figure out how to do that then i figure Recovery will be futile... None of you guys have dont know what its like to have someone depend on you for EVERYTHING, the stress of it the thought s that all I am is a baby maker..another caretaker...I love my kids they make my life worth living but there is also this deep hole that can not be filled by being the nuturer...

I am trying guys i have good days and bad days yesterday was good I completed my Mp and had a good T session...yes I exercised...but I havent purged in nearly a week and I havent taken laxitives in over i am making some progress...i have decieded that the drinking is bad and will only deture me from making true Recovery...I am trying I just want youy guys to see that and support me..yes i slip up...sometimes i catastraphize which is maybe what I did yesterday..If i did thenIam sorry once again

love, Z


So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

I think it's hard, Z, to know what to say when your posts are so different from one day to the next.

As an example - yesterday's post was full of glorifying the ED. You even said, "I can't wait to be AN again" - which just doesn't sound recovery-focused, and I'm sure you can see that.

So of course people are going to respond and of course people are going to be worried about your children b/c they do, as you said yourself, depend on you for everything.

There are good and bad days in everyone's recovery, and you don't need to apologize. Honestly I don't think you were catastrophizing if you were telling the truth about your behaviors since catastrophizing means making something sound worse than it is. To read your post yesterday, I'd think you may have been struggling with magnification (a CBT term) as it was an outline of all the negative behaviors you've partaken in without mentioning the positives you've described in today's post.

Do you think you need to be in a hospital?


Telstaar said...

I don't have much energy to write so *big hugs* and just step by step hunni. You can and are doing this! xoxoxo

Zena said...

I think my posts are different from day to day cause I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. One day I am wanting recovery so badly and teh next I am hearing Ed screaming at me...its hard to know what to do next...No i dont think I am in need of the hospital, and either does my t, she says if I put my mind to it I can Recover OP, and I truly believe that..I just think its going to be a bumpy, long road...I will try to write some more positve posts in teh future..I reread yesterdays post and yes it was glorifying the Ed...but thats how I feel some days and some days I just wantto be rid of it...I wont deny I am at my goal woeght and very uncomfortable in my body but I am fighting daily well at least every other day:)

love, Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

And I think that's great :)

I'm glad your T thinks you can do this OP - because I think you can, too!


Jena said...

Yes, it does sound like a big roller coaster you're on. Keep writing, keep persevering, keep hoping. It will pay off in the end! ((((Zena))))

lisalisa said...

great job on not purging or taking laxatives! That is quite an accomplishment! I get what you mean about not being able to fill the hole by nurturing others. While i think that motherhood canbe very fulfulling, there has to be more to a woman's life and to her identity. At least that is my experience.

PTC said...

I just worry about you.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, your posts are different from day to day, as life changes day to day. Good and the bad. I know mine are. Thank you for sharing. Blessings!

firefly said...

I know you are bound to be all over the board with ed thoughts and feelings. Id rather see this then going down everyday.It's tough progress and yes some days are going to be better. Hang in there and keep being honest.