what it does for me??

funny JD that you shouls ask those questions cause my T and I were just discussing what AN does for me... and what bulmia does not do...

Here gos my list AN makes me :

feel strong

in control

like I am worth something

like I can do what others cant

it makes me feel pretty

In my T assignment..I am to rebutt these statements with the "truth"

so it here it goes

It makes me weak

it It takes away all my power

It makes me different cause I have a mental illness

It makes me gaunt and sickly looking

I know, well at least I think I I know that when you all keep challanging with saying "what about your family" you are doing it because you care but in reality it only hurts my Recovery and I will tell you why...

My T says I cant do this for anyone else it has to be for me or it wont stick...I have tried doing it for my family, for tx centers...for everyone but me there is a missing piece thhat I have yet to figure out...anyway but I digress...my whole life I have been taking care of other pepole, my mom, my sisters, my dad, my H and then my kids...I love my kids but i do not love myself and until I figure out how to do that then i figure Recovery will be futile... None of you guys have kids...you dont know what its like to have someone depend on you for EVERYTHING, the stress of it the thought s that all I am is a baby maker..another caretaker...I love my kids they make my life worth living but there is also this deep hole that can not be filled by being the nuturer...

I am trying guys i have good days and bad days yesterday was good I completed my Mp and had a good T session...yes I exercised...but I havent purged in nearly a week and I havent taken laxitives in over 3...so i am making some progress...i have decieded that the drinking is bad and will only deture me from making true Recovery...I am trying I just want youy guys to see that and support me..yes i slip up...sometimes i catastraphize which is maybe what I did yesterday..If i did thenIam sorry once again

love, Z

Liar Liar pants on fire!@!!

I am a piece of shit liar who does nothing but lie to further her ed and i cant for the life of me figure out why, I mean i WAS doing so good...I just cant be trusted to do this on my own...WHy lord why do I do this??

So I emailed S last night a rather vague email on how i might not be doing as well As I would have her believe...she sent me back an email an asked what it was that i was trying to tell her cause she had I feeling I couldnt really be doing as well as i played it off. Not that I couldnt be casue she didnt have faith in me but because it is so early in recovery and brain couldnt have switched so fast...so i told...short sweet and to the point " I have been running and purging" end email.

Gosh I feel like the biggest piece of dog shit!! I mean lieing to your tx team might be a regular occurance for some people but like I never do it, I always let them know how badly i am sucking...but this time was different EVERYONE was so proud of me and it was nice. Nice that people actually had some faith in me...like yeah maybe i could really do this, and I think I was in complete denial.

In fact I still am cause physically I feel fine I am think clearly or so "I" think. I am well feeling good about being able to still run nearly a year after my last excursion...i caneven do 3 miles already without walking which those of you who run know that when you take time off ( like a year) its slow going getting back into the swing of things.

anyway i am sorry for lying to you guys too, you trusted me to tell you hwta is going on so that you can help me and give me advice and you werent getting the whole story...Im sorry guys please forgive me.

Love, Z