Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Liar Liar pants on fire!@!!

I am a piece of shit liar who does nothing but lie to further her ed and i cant for the life of me figure out why, I mean i WAS doing so good...I just cant be trusted to do this on my own...WHy lord why do I do this??

So I emailed S last night a rather vague email on how i might not be doing as well As I would have her believe...she sent me back an email an asked what it was that i was trying to tell her cause she had I feeling I couldnt really be doing as well as i played it off. Not that I couldnt be casue she didnt have faith in me but because it is so early in recovery and brain couldnt have switched so fast...so i told...short sweet and to the point " I have been running and purging" end email.

Gosh I feel like the biggest piece of dog shit!! I mean lieing to your tx team might be a regular occurance for some people but like I never do it, I always let them know how badly i am sucking...but this time was different EVERYONE was so proud of me and it was nice. Nice that people actually had some faith in me...like yeah maybe i could really do this, and I think I was in complete denial.

In fact I still am cause physically I feel fine I am think clearly or so "I" think. I am well feeling good about being able to still run nearly a year after my last excursion...i caneven do 3 miles already without walking which those of you who run know that when you take time off ( like a year) its slow going getting back into the swing of things.

anyway i am sorry for lying to you guys too, you trusted me to tell you hwta is going on so that you can help me and give me advice and you werent getting the whole story...Im sorry guys please forgive me.

Love, Z

23 comments:

PTC said...

This is not a knock against you, but I don't think you can do it on your own. I don't think anyone can when they get as far down the hole as you are.

Zena said...

I know but it makes me so sad I want to cry...I need to do this for my kids, they need me to be there I just need to get back on track...i see the big ED doc in 2 weeks so well see what she says about my health...Im getting a little nervous though...fuck I am crying now.

Z

PTC said...

I know you don't want to leave your kids, but that might be the only way to actually beat this thing.

Zena said...

I just dont see any hope in tx centers, I have been to the 2 best in the country and look where i am...sigh

PTC said...

Don't give up, though. I had a friend who went to Remuda as well, actually 2 friends. One had to go back to Renfrew after Remuda but has been doing really well since. They say it takes a few times. Maybe you weren't ready then.

Zena said...

maybe...i just cant stop crying...

lisalisa said...

I am proud of you for facing things and telling your team what's really going on. I hope you can turn it around. If you have to go into tx, the Center for Change in Utah is AWESOME! I wish there was something I could do to help. This must be a rough time of year- practically everyone i know is struggling! What does your hubbie say? I hope he is supportive. ((hugs))

lisalisa said...

i was wondering if you wanted to be "friends" on FB; I'm on it all the time! My email is chriss-wife@hotmail.com for some reason my computer wont let me email you

Zena said...

lisa,

My H is pissed, He wants to know why I am doing this to the family ...again...it is a rough time of year , summer aroaching...warm weather makes me want to run...le sigh...

love, Z

Telstaar said...

(WARNING! Mini essay coming up!)

Hunni,

There is ALLL the ed stuff going on but remember you also have BPD. To me it sounds a little bit like the BPD is acting up as well and you needs LOTS of reassurance right now from key people. That's okay! It might just be a good idea to keep it in mind and maybe even figure out an inbuilt way of finding what reassurance you need and ways to achieve that very honestly without needing to go back to ed behaviours to help keep you supported... goodness, I'm soooo not sure I"m making sense!

Trying a different way, I guess I get the sense that on the one hand you're so worried about being abandoned (completely or partially through reduced support) by S and maybe even by us if you get better or people think you're doing okay, that you need to engage in the ed behaviours to scream, "I'M NOT OKAY YET!!!". On the other hand though, it's almost like your mind is pushing these same people to their limits to see just how long they'll stick around for so you know exactly how far you can (or can't) trust them, so you know how MUCH you can fall apart. Problem is, by the time you've pushed someone too far, it is then too late. Thus you've managed to not let yourself get "as hurt" (theoretically) and you get the punishment and reinforcement that you're a bad person that you feel you deserve (which you do not deserve!) because they left!

Now know that I'm not ignoring ALL the ed stuff going on as well in this picture... but can you see how the BPD (which is an ILLNESS) might be playing a bit of havoc too?? I just think it might be good to take that into consideration when planning so that you know where the boundaries are from the start and can be a bit safer in your recovery.

I DO believe you can do this! But Tina, simply because you recover from your ed (whenever that may be), I still will hope you write your blog, I still will hope that you read mine, I still will be interested in your life :). That is just me.

You CAN do this, you ARE doing this even though its a tad haphazard right now.

Thankyou for apologising for lying to us. Even though I know a lot of that are the disorders (ed/bpd), you are still taking responsibility and considering OUR feelings which I appreciate. You are forgiven.

Lets pick up the bat and keep metaphorically running!

Check out Philippians 3:12-14. Be encouraged hunni!

I love you hunni!!!

Love Telly xoxo

Zena said...

wow, Tels...you touched my heart first thanks for saying you forgive me, that means allot!!!(((hug)))..second I havent even thought that the borderline aspect might be playing a role, thanks for pointing that out I will bring it up in T on friday...you are right I am pushing boundries to see how far I can go with out be abandoned...its sad and scary...to know that I do that either conciously or unconciously....I love your imput it means teh world to me! thankyou for saying that you would still be interested to read if i didnt have all this choas going on...I could talk about the real things in my life, like my love for art...my kids tee ball pactice and god...thanks for the word of god, Ill check it out,

so much love to you

Z..,ps my name is tara:)

Zena said...

Lisa,
I am not on face book although I have an account i never use it...but we could be email buddies..my email is mmackey8@nycap.rr.com...

hope your bum is feeling better:)

Love, Z

PTC said...

I really think you should look into a tx program. Really! I hate seeing you go through this. Seriously, you can go get free, amazing treatment right here in nyc.

Just Eat It! said...

It is not your fault- it is the eating disorder. Don't blame yourself. Don't be afraid to get more help; I think both you and your children could benefit from you being healthy. I would forgive you, but I feel there is no fault here to forgive. You did nothing wrong, and it happens. I'm proud of you for being able to come clean about your struggles. <3

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Do you have insurance, Z?

I think McLean's BPD program might be something to look into.

S.

Jena said...

I agree with everyone here, Zena. This is way beyond your control and you need serious and intensive help. I agree with PTC that you need to go to a treatment center. I don't care how many times you've been, this is now. You need this kind of help now. Please listen to us...

Telstaar said...

*blushes*

sorry!! xoxoxoxoxox XOXOXOX

JD said...

I would say I agree treatment should be considered- but after following your blogs for a long time I agree completley with Telstaar- I would even suggest looking into tx for the BDP. Like S said- McLean's has a great program for BPD which can also adress the ED at the same time...
take a look at it maybe and talk about it with S. BPD can affect so much and it can really increase all the ED behaviors for so many different reasons.
Good Luck

Telstaar said...

If you did decide to do something IP (and I'm not saying you have to although I do understand why others are suggesting it and thus not saying its a bad idea either!) I think doing something that will help BOTH is good, like JD said.

If you do a program that also includes BPD, just make sure that its does not feel to you like it is punishment orientated as that will make the ED worse. Rather gives support and boundaries and clear guidelines for bpd behaviours AND eating!!

Love you hunni LOTS
xoxox

Zena said...

tahnkyou all for the bottom of my heart on all your sweet and understanding responses...thankyou for forgiving me and thankyou for your support..i will consider all my options...where is mcleans??

I live in NY
upstate

Love, Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Z,

McLean's program is in Belmont, MA.

http://www.mclean.harvard.edu/patient/adult/bpd.php

Their BPD program is world-renowned. Seriously.

Love,
S.

PTC said...

I think I have a friend who works at McCleans. She's a social worker. I need to check on that...

PTC said...

Yep, she works there.