Friday, April 17, 2009

crap

I see S in a few hours....but first I would like to say a huge thankyou for you all who supported me through my last post...it was a very sad and embarressing time for me butI am glad I came clean...so thankyou!!<3

i am obsessed with losing wieght I stepped on the scale wenesday (three times) and the number was 7 pounds less then what I wieghed last week, very triggering, I layed in bed til 2 in the moring obessing on how much wieght i could lose and how fast I could do it...i cant seem to stop the thoughts in my head they are getting stronger and stronger...like i cant wait to be AN again...sick i know but it still feels like my goal..i know i am going to get lots of challanges on that one but its okay I need them.

Im drinking again. Bad news for a coule of reasons: I am on alot of pretty heavy duty meds and drinking either negates the purposes of taking them or makes me pretty screwed up or both. I am getting depressed again and the only thought that keeps me going is knowing that at least I am getting thinner...

I am going to my moms for what might be my last run...or at least according to S my last run, but I dont know if i can give it up so easily, its additive you know and it swhat I think is helping me lose all this wieght.

I know folks I am screwing up left and right but I also am in comlpete denial, its that old additive that AN is okay but bulimia is not ...on that front I havent purged since sunday which is a really good thing and that will make S happy.

oh and one last thing as I know this is a pretty boreing post but i got a new coffee mug and its 14oz's and it yummy its 2 its 2 cups of joe in one...yeah for the small things.

Oh and one more thing Z man had tee ball practice last night and A did on tuesday and let me just say my kids are natural stars...they can already whale the ball...its great!!only thing Z man ran to 2nd instead of 1st after he nailed t and then had to go back to first but he still made it with out getting out. My kids a rock star!! and A, well shes got one hell of an arm on her...she can throw father then me ( not that that says allot:) but she too is incrediable..my kids rock the boat dudes!!!

much love to you all, Z

9 comments:

PTC said...

I don't know what to say to you anymore, Z. You're going to die if you don't go into treatment. Sorry to be so harsh, but it's the truth and it's all I've got right now.

Zena said...

Im not going to die..you are overreacting Im to fat to die...tx is not an option, I need a new brain thats what would be best!!

love, Z

PTC said...

No I'm not.

You're going to do what you want to yourself. No one can stop you.

Tiger said...

Be careful, it sounds like you're treading in some dangerous waters.

Telstaar said...

Oh sweetheart, it sounds like the pendulum has come back and whacked you on the bum. You wanna know something? I don't know what your weight is and I love you anyway. I don't know what your weight is, and I know you're in serious trouble because your treatment team has told you this lots of times over, I know that lots of that is to do with your electrolytes and thus it has a lot more to do with bulimia than anorexia but I also know that pursuing weight loss will make that even worse again.

Hunni, I know its sooo hard to hold on and fight. I know that in a day you can go up and down a million times and thats okay. But when it seems a bit hard to fight, instead of giving in, try and just "rest" for a little bit, then go back to fighting. But hunni, please keep trying to not engage in the ed behaviours. You're too important for that!!

Love Telly xo

lisalisa said...

dear z-
the drinking while on meds is what sounds scary to me; that might kill you before ED does (although the ed is serious business, too). I'm very afraid for you and will be praying for you. At first i thought people were overreacting , but it really looks like things are out of control for you. I know know know it is hard to leave yor kids, but maybe you could sacrifice some time now for tx so you could be around for the rest of their lives. But i'm sure you have heard this all before. Is php an option?

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

PTC is right - no one can stop you or make you want recovery when you don't want it.

I think, to be fair to your family, you should be honest with them about what you're doing to yourself. At least that way they wont be completely taken by surprise if something horrible happens to you.

S.

JD said...

It is so sad to think that these kids have no idea what might be coming their way, and maybe very soon.
I'm not sure exactly what all this is doing for you and I am sure your T would love if you were to try and figure that one out. These behaviors are constant in your life and you switch from one to another saying time and time again you are in denial- but to be honest, sadly, I am not sure that can be true anymore.
I hope, for your family's sake, you can dig deep and search beyond the tip of the running, the drinking, the purging, the laxatives...and find the meaning of what this is giving you.
There is more to this than the symptoms. And if you continue, like anyone, to hide behind them- you will end up dead. I know that isn't what you want, but sometimes, it is what happens.
You are not invincible.

firefly said...

Hey Z: What would you tell a friend that was doing all the behaviors that you mentioned? Would you say they were too fat for treatment. No, if they were mentioning dangerous behaviors you would get them into treatment. You might be enjoying the weight loss but you know you'll just have to gain it all back because you didn't do it the healthy way. I know the feeling of wanting to do the right thing to please other people but in the end you need to answer to yourself. You have got to recover for yourself. You can do this Z!!!I'm so sorry I was cranky the other day.