Monday, April 13, 2009

Confessions

I want to start by saying I have my period and it really sucks, A year ago i never got it and that made me happy..why i dont know maybe cause I hate being a women...hmmmm something to think about for a future post.

anyway...

I have to confess i am totally abusing my walking privildge.ugh. I have walked allot...(speed walking to the point I could be running slower tehn i am walking, I come back all sweaty and you know what it feels SOOOOOOOO good...i will admitt I knwo S would be very dissapointed to know that I am not sticking to teh 2xs a week deal...and I know I must confess to her but gees i am so scared...scared she take it away completely and man i just dont know if i can deal with that right now...

17 comments:

Zena said...

I wanst done but some hhow I hit the publish button. Oh well here goes the rest. i am trrying so hard to giive up my Ed and exercise really makes me feel good like I am accomplishing something. Today i am goign to try pilates for teh first time but you know I stole the dvd from my sis L and its a fat burning crunch workout ( hope it make s me sweat)...I need to sweat to feel like I am doing something. But first I need to clean my house...its gross..i did the mountain of dishes it was so gross that M was suppossed to do but he is working til 8 so I kwen I had to do them...I need to finish cleaning so that I can do my workout cause i cant let it over take my life, befoer eI would have just said screw I am exercising and thats that...so I have made progress in that area.

Its hard to believe its almost been a year since I went to remuda...but thats another story...anyway I ham having reall exercise issues and its hard cause I want to do it so bad.

I feel so fat and to exercis emakes me feel well that I am doing something about it you know...but i am torn..cause I dont want to end up back where I was a year ago so i guess I need to tell S...i just dont think I am ready to yet...maybe soon just not yet...help me guys what should I do??

Love, Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Z,

You said: "I am trying so hard to give up my Ed and exercise really makes me feel good.."

I think you are aware that exercise is a part of your eating disorder. With that knowledge and the awareness that you are abusing the exercise you are allowed to engage in - how do you now view S's comment about symptom swapping? It seems she wasn't so off-base, doesn't it?

S.

Zena said...

I just spoke with K and she said that I had to call S and tell her what I am doing...So I called S and left her a message...hopefuly she will call me back soon...as I waiting for permission to go on a walk...blahhh Ihate having to be controlled by all these people..it just sucks...maybe it is symtom swapping but its a good symptom right??

Love, Z

lisalisa said...

Z,

i feel your pain and wish i had some words of wisdom but i don't, except keep trusting those around you, that they have your best intrest at heart. Cause you definitely do not want to go back where you were before (i didn't know you then, but it sounds pretty bad). I know, life is so hard when you have one foot in recovery and one in illness and you feel torn in two, but hold on. One day you will be well and then you will see that the fight was worth it! :)

PTC said...

You need to fess up to abusing your walking privs. Seriously, if you really want to get better, you're going to have to follow the rules, no matter how freaking hard it is!

PTC said...

Glad you called!! can't wait to hear what happens next.

Zena said...

I am allowed to walk today ...but yes there is always a but...I have to write a letter explaining whyand must follow it is not an ED behavior, and what perameters I am willing to follow and must follow regaurding the exercise...I did it already, she said the fact that I had to call her and couldnt wait til tomorrow makes herreal nervous and I shouldnt be suprized if we have a big disagreement as to what would be approipriate...blahhhh

Z

Zena said...

I am allowed to walk today ...but yes there is always a but...I have to write a letter explaining whyand must follow it is not an ED behavior, and what perameters I am willing to follow and must follow regaurding the exercise...I did it already, she said the fact that I had to call her and couldnt wait til tomorrow makes herreal nervous and I shouldnt be suprized if we have a big disagreement as to what would be approipriate...blahhhh

Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Is there even such a thing as a good eating disorder symptom?

In any case - I guess it stopped being a "good" symptom when you started abusing it.

S.

Just Eat It! said...

Exercise is good- in moderation. If you're abusing it, maybe it's time to find an accountability buddy (someone who will keep you in check). You know, someone who can walk with you and stop at an appropriate time.

Telstaar said...

Hey hun,

I think you need to go back to your walking 2 times a week starting immediately! It's super easy to justify exercise and it really does change our mood and anxiety and I know its not easy to stop...but hunni, you need to go back to your agreement, particularly if you don't want it taken from you. You can do this!!!

I love to walk and I used to do trampolining so I love to fly its sooo cool! But the reality is, not right now! I know you want to run, to walk to exercise all the pain away, but it will be there when you stop. So hunni, keep sitting with it and look forward to the next walk you get and think about all the things you can do and see and play while you're walking, like imagining people in their homes, or planning out someones garden so it's really nice... that way the ed is doing less of the walking and you are doing more of it!

You can do this hun!!!

*hugs* xoxo

firefly said...

Hmmm O.k. I think alot has been answered about the exercise. It doesn't sound that healthy for you. Z:I would hate to see you back in the condition you were in when you were at Remuda. Hang in there!

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, I concur with everyone exercise is certainly important. I know you struggle.
((((safe hugs))))

JD said...

I think you should look at it like your meal plan- you can walk however many times however many days and let that be that. You obviously can't judge right now what is best for you, so you need to let your team do that.
If you truly want recovery- than go any lengths to get there...including giving up the power to make decisions. This won't be forever, once you can prove to yourself and to them you are in a better place- you will earn all these back.
By abusing privaleges, you will not get them back and someone will always have to make the decisions for you as if you are a child.

Zena said...

an update

I can walk every other day..i talked to S about how I was abusing the priledge of walking out of fear that I wouldnt be able to move the next day...now that i know I am allowed to walk 4 days a week I feel a little better. We taled about how I feel like I have no control over anything and how I think it sucks...her words " I dont want you to do this cause I say but because you say so"...that made me feel a little better. we taled alot about curing my boredom AND MY GOAL OF SOME DAY RUNNING!!!

and being able to run competivily...I miss it so much. but I know I need to be healthy first, no more cheating the system I am in this for the long hall!!!

Love, Z

Just Be Real said...

Thanks for the update. Glad you can walk every other day! Blessings!

Jena said...

Hun,
It's so apparent your struggle back and forth. It's so rocky for you. You want to be well but this illness is such a powerful force. I think getting it all out there, writing about it, talking it out, rising self-awareness, are all such positive things you're doing to be moving yourself down the RIGHT path. It's okay to walk it. DON'T rush it.

Think about it like a walk in a forest that is really dark. You are headed for light but it's a real hike and so many times you'd rather give up. It is bumpy, dark, and scary right now, but you have so many people with you, holding your hands. You'll reach a point when you'll realize that you've come so far, you CAN'T go back! It wouldn't be worth it! There is hope on the way, and freedom when you walk out of the forest and out into the beautiful sunshine, warming your face. The closer you get to the shoreline, the more rays of sun begin peaking through the trees. They expand your heart and the thought that you have an ability to live your dreams. Then you begin to gradually hear the waves crash upon the shoreline and they sound so magnificent. When you arrive, there is so much peace. Pure beauty, just as God has made it, he has made you. You'll rest and bask in the mercy you've found. And the friends that held your hands and helped you make it through will share the beauty with you.