Monday, May 11, 2009

Run..Run..Run away little girl

running has always been an escape for me. I have been running since I was a tween, ands its always made me feel well HAPPY!!..as happy as diet coke does, and well thats pretty happy..its always made me feel high and endorphinized ( is that a word). I try to find that kinda happiness in other ways, but alas it has always alluded me... I just came back from a nice run and felt good for all of about 5 min. then t he "high" left and i was left alone with my thoughts again..and so what, so what is wrong with my thoughts...well they suck thats whats wrong with them. they hurt me and scare me and make me want to cry...I am feeling more vulnerable right now casue i just ate a frozen dinner and now i want to cry even more.

anyway S has asked what the heck am i running away from so that s what I am here to figure out...I think it boils down to running from my thoughts I mean what else could it be....without the running I feel deflated, let down and sad. And of course cause i have OCD what i run is never enough...I remember when I used to run 12-13miles a day and how that was still never enough ...It only numbed me as long as I was running...as long as i felt the pain in my legs...I couldnt feel the pain in my heart...So what is the pain in my heart that i am running from...abandonment maybe. Maybe this shit all stems from dad shit, from being left alone when i was 8 to feel the emptiness of a single parent household. left with a mother who was so unstable herself she couldnt even take care of her own kids...she had to rely on her mother to do it...and I I became angry another feeling that i hate.

I do my best not to feel anger...another feeling i run from, I almost never get mad unless its at my kids and s its usually cause they are being so bold I dont know what to do ...its more of an exhaustion I feel with them...of not know ing what to do...so i run from it, i run from pain, anger, confrontation...anything that might make me even slightly uncomfortable..i run from it...and with only being allowed to run 3-4 miles a day i have taken up other forms of running from my pain...my feelings...i drink.

I Drink away my pain...so I run even more...i need to learn to confront, to sit with and to deal with my pain, and feelings and anything thing else that might make me feel uncomfortable.

I think once I can learn to deal with my feeling I could be cured of my eating disorder cause yes its still about wieght..body distortion and food, its about so much more, its just an escape. An escape into my own reality...where the pain of the world cant hurt me, where i wont let it hurt me...I wrap myself up into this little cocoon and run away from everything...only all this running is killing me..literaly and figurtivly.

Its killing my family

Its killing my soul

Its killing my heart

I need to learn to feel or at least allow myself to feel..I need to to stop running at some point...I need to learn to sit with it...I just need to...right???

Love, Z

9 comments:

lisalisa said...

wow, i can SO relate- not that i can run 12 miles- but the whole not being able to handle uncomfortable feelings thing! In adittion to ed, i also struggled w/ alcoholism and addiction to benzodiazepines because at the first sign of any painful feeling i have to numb it. Learning to feel again is a process- it will be easier some days and harder others. Just sitting with your feelings after eating a frozen meal is a big step! I am so sorry for the pain that you have to go through, you surely dont deserve it! You are a sweet and kindhearted person and i always enjoy reading your posts and the comments you leave on my blog :)

Telstaar said...

**tara**

I'm glad you're back here hunni. I'm sorry things are so so crappy for you at the moment.

Running is nice because of the endorphins because of the sense of the achievement and cause you can feel the wind running through your hair. Lots of nice things about it. I also like it because its solitary and somewhat "quiet" and its got a LOT of rhythm to it (I always do better with rhythmical and repetitive things).

I like that hard to breathe feeling I get (I get this quickly due to asthma but exercise in general is nice too). I like the way that I feel that I've accomplished something and the way I feel so absolutely SPENT that I cannot move anymore, I am just out of ALLLLLL energy and emotions, there is nothing left but in a nice way. I love all this from exercise and running and for me, walking.

But hun, like you say at the end of the day, all the emotions are still there and the running doesn't help for too long. Running IS good and its okay to do it but its never going to heal you completely and strangely, you're never gonna have complete freedom in your running until some of the other things are resolved.

I personally, think you hit on a really key concept for YOU... "sitting with it" ie the emotions. Have you ever heard of mindfulness? I cannot say its overly pleasant to begin with but it does work. It's about sitting with those YUCK emotions and just exploring them and letting them be there. Through that you gain mastery over them instead of them mastering you. Maybe its another avenue to explore. Maybe its too soon to do this stuff for you, I don't know, ignore me if you want to and I will not be offended.

Please take care dear Tara. You are beautiful and working so hard. Stay here with us on this planet because you do help to make it a better place.

Love Telly

firefly said...

O.K. Tara breath! You can't do this on your own. I think you can run if you eat to compensate. It's when you aren't eating and taking care of yourself. You know the reasons why you are doing it. Sometimes when you can't process the feelings without hurting yourself in the process then maybe you need more help.......more treatment? I don't know......I just know you are right you are starving your inner child and you don't deserve it. I hear you because I think my anxiety is like your running. I was doing that last week. I just want you to be happy and not have your ed anymore. I love you so much it would be easier doing it for you. Hang in there. Can you e-mail S about it? I know your team is supportive!

Zena said...

oh lisa and telly ...my heart rings with love..telly...stop discounting what you say i would never ignore your advice its precious to me, you are precious to me...ps since you changed the name of your blog i cant get on send me a new invite ..please..

lisa,
i think we are living in a parrell universe...we feel the same things, lived through the the same traumas ( kinda)keep fighting my dear...its gotta work out for us

love, Z

Jena said...

I'm not too sure what to say, but I think you are so good at expressing through words what you are going through. I'm always captivated by your posts because of that way you articulate. I want you to be well, sweetie. Be good to yourself. Always. I will always tell you that, every time. Love, Jena (((((Zena)))))

belinda said...

avoidance is a powerful thing, so we've learned (the hard way). aww zena, i really do get this and it is absolutely vital to sit thru the anxiety, the pain and the sadness. i have started doing this. some days it is agonising, truly but some days it is not as bad as all that. the idea is that the agonising days will become less.

this post is so insightful and great to read. i'm glad you can see it. you can't keep doing it. you know far too much.

running is not the answer hon.
x

Dee said...

So "running is not the answer" to all our problems. I am guilty of this too...running, avoiding, ignoring the issues. Just don't want to deal with it and then you hope it just goes away!!! Why won't it?!!!

Well we all know the answer to that...and I think it is easier to cope out then to deal with it. It is easier for us to run away from the issues simply because we know the issue won't just away on its own. We know this but yet we ignor the reasoning! We debate with it. We argue with it and we hope we win!! LOL OMG!! that alone can be so exhausting-but we do it anyway.

Gish...am I lecturing myself here?

Even though I think of you as a "younger version" of me...I can totally relate, understand, got it, and whatever other word we may want to use with it. I think maybe that' what annoys my T to the bone! It's like I can see she is about ready to jump out of her chair and strangle me (not that she would but I'm sure she is thinking it).

Doesn't it feel like it it may be "hopeless?" LOL I tell CJ that..give it up-I'm just a hopeless case" and even though she knows I'm serious when I say that, we still find so much humor in it.

I know you are sitting back laughing-because you know exactly what I'm saying and you totally get it!! OMG!! it's to good to be true.

I get it!! Safe hugz!
Dee

lisalisa said...

z, just checking in, hope you are doing ok :)

PTC said...

I thought I commented but I guess I didn't. I agree with firefly!