running has always been an escape for me. I have been running since I was a tween, ands its always made me feel well HAPPY!!..as happy as diet coke does, and well thats pretty happy..its always made me feel high and endorphinized ( is that a word). I try to find that kinda happiness in other ways, but alas it has always alluded me... I just came back from a nice run and felt good for all of about 5 min. then t he "high" left and i was left alone with my thoughts again..and so what, so what is wrong with my thoughts...well they suck thats whats wrong with them. they hurt me and scare me and make me want to cry...I am feeling more vulnerable right now casue i just ate a frozen dinner and now i want to cry even more.
anyway S has asked what the heck am i running away from so that s what I am here to figure out...I think it boils down to running from my thoughts I mean what else could it be....without the running I feel deflated, let down and sad. And of course cause i have OCD what i run is never enough...I remember when I used to run 12-13miles a day and how that was still never enough ...It only numbed me as long as I was running...as long as i felt the pain in my legs...I couldnt feel the pain in my heart...So what is the pain in my heart that i am running from...abandonment maybe. Maybe this shit all stems from dad shit, from being left alone when i was 8 to feel the emptiness of a single parent household. left with a mother who was so unstable herself she couldnt even take care of her own kids...she had to rely on her mother to do it...and I I became angry another feeling that i hate.
I do my best not to feel anger...another feeling i run from, I almost never get mad unless its at my kids and s its usually cause they are being so bold I dont know what to do ...its more of an exhaustion I feel with them...of not know ing what to do...so i run from it, i run from pain, anger, confrontation...anything that might make me even slightly uncomfortable..i run from it...and with only being allowed to run 3-4 miles a day i have taken up other forms of running from my pain...my feelings...i drink.
I Drink away my pain...so I run even more...i need to learn to confront, to sit with and to deal with my pain, and feelings and anything thing else that might make me feel uncomfortable.
I think once I can learn to deal with my feeling I could be cured of my eating disorder cause yes its still about wieght..body distortion and food, its about so much more, its just an escape. An escape into my own reality...where the pain of the world cant hurt me, where i wont let it hurt me...I wrap myself up into this little cocoon and run away from everything...only all this running is killing me..literaly and figurtivly.
Its killing my family
Its killing my soul
Its killing my heart
I need to learn to feel or at least allow myself to feel..I need to to stop running at some point...I need to learn to sit with it...I just need to...right???