Thursday, May 28, 2009

the deal

I want so bad to write an uplifting post where everyone is like go Z you rock, your gonna kick this thing and finally win the war, but really I dont think i can. Not that i couldnt write a happy post but it would be all bullshit and this is my blog so whats the point of writting a bunch of bullshit anyay. ....I feel like since i wrote the bitch fest on my kiddos everyones mad at me, liek teh only people who understood that it was a pure vent were teh chics who actually had kids and know how fustrating tehy can be whether you have an Ed or not...well since tehn I have been laying down teh law something i rarely do cause i feel so guilty for having an Ed, i let tehm get a way with murder....but I have been more strict lately and not yelling as much...I just simply tell it like it is and sometimes they listenand sometimes tehy get puninished thats just the way it is.

Its been raining allot here so I think that is making me depressed...random thought..but I might be doing PHP over the summer, M is going to work the night shift for three months ( which means he CANT drink) yeah!!!! which means he will be home for 2 out of 3 meals instead of none( hes never home for dinner cause he works OT)which might help me out but i dont know...anyway i might be doing PHP when the kids finish school, I dont know I dont know if I should even bother will it even help me this will be my third summer spent in tx, my third summer spent away from or without my kids do you know how bad that makes me feel...Do you guys even know, i mean I love my kids so much and it sucks and now i am freaking crying guys things just suck so bad.

I have to get labs done ...my pdoc is sending me cause she is worrying about me so now I have her worrying about me too...great I am sick of every one worrying about me, really i am. And I know the way to stop having people worry about me is to just eat but I cant I just cant, something is holding me back. what the fuck it is i cant tell you...but its something.

My grandmother is sick the only thing that is keeping her heart beating is her pacemaker which makes me very sad, cause I lost my grandfather a year and a half ago and now i just couldnt bear it if she dies too, I know she wants to but cant she live for us I mean we need her...really I live for other people, so why cant she?? AM I just being selfish...yeah most likely but I dont want her to die, I dont!!

So the deal i bet you are all thinking what the hell is the deal...well really I dont know, the deal is i am fasting til I cant take it anymore...i need to numb the pain of everything and thats the only way I can deal with it...pain of what i dont know..but it all hurt sjust so much I cant bare it much more.

Love, Z

14 comments:

PTC said...

I'm going to be blunt and tell it like it is. You're going to die. You won't be there for your kids. They will be raised without a mother all because you're going to "fast until you can't take it anymore." Great idea. That's what you want, you might beat your grandmother to it.

Zena said...

I always break my fasts cause I am loser....ans S always convinces me to eat...I called my N (K) and awaiting a phone call back. I will probally eat some soup...but you know what part of me does want to die, I am sick of feeling like this and I knwo its selfish my kids deserve better...maybe M will remarry a women who is actually sane, my kids deserve better then me, they deserve a mother who cares more about them then her ED...I just keep thinking how worthless i am... I want them to have a better llife and I cant provide it, I am not just feeling sorry for myself...teh thing is I wont die, I have come close but my team doesnt let me...they think I should be alive...tehy dont know how much my heart aches...

on a positive note I just decieded to do a 21 day commitment to not B/P...thats something right??

Z

PTC said...

They wouldn't have a better life without you. That would screw them up big time.

Sometimes your "team" doesn't have control.

lisalisa said...

First of all, it's OK if you don't always have something positive to say, I would much rather know what is really going on anyway.
Second, I can totally identify with the thought that "maybe i will die and my husband will remarry someone who will be a much better mother to my children", I have had that thought many times when i was very depressed and felt i was making a mess of things. But let me tell you , nothing could be farther from the truth. You are everything to your children. At the risk of being blasphemous, you are their GOD! Nomatter how they act or what they say, when they look at you they are not thinking about all your faults and shotcomings. To them, you are home, comfort, love, childhood, safety. If you die, that will all die. No stand-in mom can recreate it.
third, I think that php is probably a good idea. If not for your eating disorder, for your deppression also. I know it's hard being away from the kids, but think of it as preventing a longer term absence (either through inpatient or death). And what if it was only half days, or only for a couple of weeks?
I hate to see you suffer so much! Please resist the urge to fast! Blog, make a collage,talk to someone, do whatever it takes to get through this alive! You are an important and valuable person! I commend you on doing the 21 day goal; i am doing it too so we can support eachother :)Please stay in touch-eat the soup-maybe eay a little bit every 90 minutes or so might be a good goal- idont know- i'm just worried about you!

Zena said...

lisa,
thankyou

for your words for your for your understanding,i knew you would get it, Its so hard to be a mom and be sick, I just want to be well already, everything hurts...everything. I had some chicken broth, I dont know if that counts but its all i can do, I feel sick like starving will make it all go away...i think i am going to do PHP when the kids finish school...its from 9-4...so they will have hubby durning the day and mommy and night and maybe a healthy mommy if it works out right, but there is no way i am going IP again, I just cant...I have 13 days to pull my shit together be fore I see the Ed doc..hopefully all will be well with my labs and hear tso i will be well enough to do PHP...dont worry about me you have enough on your own plate...so how is day one going...or are you on day 2??

love, Z

Telstaar said...

*huggles*

I can hear how tired you are hunni. Try and keep a steady pace. Some days breathing is just hard, but you can do it, little inch by little inch.

You know hunni, I want to throw an idea out there... I don't think it should be just its better for your kids this or that (I do think they're better with YOU but that is an aside to what I want to say), but rather...YOU deserve to get to love them and help them and watch them grow. To argue with them and help them avoid mistakes and help pick them up when they make them anyway. God determined that you, in yr brokenness and weakness should be your children's mother! Yep, that's right :). So, keep trusting Him that he wants YOU to be their mum and help to raise them and get the very cool experience of loving them in a way that no one else can :). You're allowed to have that! God gave you that very cool blessing :) and he'll help you all the times that you feel its too overwhelming and too hard cause he knows what its like.

Love you hunni
xox

Tiger said...

you're allowed to vent! I don't have kids, but, goodness, I've worked with them enough to understand that sometimes, no matter how much you love them, they drive you absolutely bonkers. the 21 day no B/P is fantastic! you can do it!

zubeldia said...

Hon, I'm not mad with you. And I think that venting about kids - who can be absolutely crazymaking - is normal and necessary. My concern is that you have you your head in the sand about how their behavior is influenced and impacted by your ed. Pointing that out didn't make me mad with you, and I don;t think it means that I don't understand because I don't have kids. I think it was unfair to say that the only people who understood were those who had kids... that just wasn;t the case.

Look, friend, you are in a fucking awful spot. Last year you were heading for treatment and the year before that, too. What can change things for you, Zena? What will healing look like? Fasting will kill you, it will kill the healthier parts of you, and, yes, it WILL impact your kids. Letting them get away with murder is about you, it's about your guilt, which is another way your kids get impacted.

Hon, you are hurting A LOT. What will help you?

lisalisa said...

Dear Z,

How did yesterday go? I hope you were able to eat something and keep it down. I was thinking about you and wishing i could do something to help. Just know that I am praying for you! I really liked Telstaar's comment, maybe read that when you are down and discouraged.
Your friend, lisa :)

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Zena, dear one,

I don't think you truly want to die from the ED. I think you are in a lot of pain and you are suffering, but I don't get the impression that you really want to die from this -- if you did, you would stop attending your appointments, you would stop taking the advice of your team. Clearly something inside of you wants to live.

(And please don't let your eating disorder take that as a challenge and start dropping appointments - this is a GOOD thing!)

I also like what Telstaar said about God putting these kids in your life because He wanted you to be their mother. Sometimes we have to look at that big picture of what He created and ask ourselves, "who are we to question His plan?"

Who are we to destroy what He made (i.e. ourselves)?

Maybe PHP will help, maybe it won't. Maybe you need to start identifying what you're really needing, Z, and determine if PHP will be able to give you that - or if you need to look elsewhere for it. Do you know what I mean by that?

Love,
S.

PTC said...

PHP might help, but you really need some intense (I mean a couple of months of) IP. Seriously!!!!

Zena said...

I had a boost and kept it down..and in the middle of the night I ate a pop tart..now I want to die...my kids deserve better..I am so sad..I might be going IP to deal with the depression...its getting reallly bad like wanting to die kinda bad...I amno longer fasting and I am trying, i have quit running as I knwo it may kill my heart..and a heart attack would be a pain ful way to die...i am sorry if I have come across sorely lately I am justina real bad spot...I am off to see my daughters gymnastics meet hopefully that will cheer me up some...I will try to post soem pics later...you need to see how great my kids are...and so do I...M is going to starts nights starting monday so i can do programs..i hope it will help but right now I just want to disappear..on an upspot i havent purged in three days..

love, Z

PTC said...

Why don't you call that number I sent you?? Or website, whatever it was!! FREEEEEEEE treatment. YOU NEED IT!! Big time or you will die.

firefly said...

I'm listening and you can always vent to me. It does sound like your pain is outweighing your coping skills right now and you just want the pain to go away. I so get it hon, really I do. You know I was there last week. Keep reaching out for the support raft. You may need to go in for a while. You know I'm worried and really care about you. The picts of A were adorable. I didn't see I's picture though. Ha the letters underneath spell wish. What would be your wish today if granted one???My wish for you would to be at peace with yourself.