Friday, May 22, 2009

Be real

another chapter out of the "Life without Ed" book is called be real...So right now Ed wants me to purge, i am going to seperate the 2 voices and try a figure out what i want....I want to be real!!! i want to live a real life with real joys!! Like today for instance i went on a field trip without Ed tagging along...we went to five rivers with Zacks class and we learned all about nature and we saw frogs and geese with thier gooslings, all sorts of bugs and we even got to try honey out of the hive...it was great! i spent the whole morning thinking how great it was that my boys got to experiance nature for real.

So whats my point well Ed wants me to decieve me into thinking that, that was unimportant cause it didnt mean i lost anywieght. But i know it was real, it was a real experiance that i will get to tuck away in my memory box forever...and yes i will remember it cause it was real.


SO what am i going to do?? I am going to be real!! I am not going to purge I am going to live...i am going to have more experiances like this morning. i am going to take my kids to the park tonight and today at 5 i will meet my DH and have my boost with his support, yes folks iam going to be real today...if it lasts only a day well that was better then yesterday...I will take each day as it comes and know that teh next day can be better tehn the last all becaue I am BEING REAL!!!

Love, Z

9 comments:

belinda said...

Fucking fantastic work!!
keep kicking

love you,
x

Dee said...

I thought I responded to this...but maybe I didn't. Maybe it was a different one. LOL...

Zena hon..hon you need to know the difference of your abusive values are. It really sounds like that ED is basing this on something that has happened on your past from someones (not sure whom) and perhaps as long as you are "loyal" to them and their "abuse" that this will keep eating on you.

But I think you have a stronger will power then you give yourself credit. You do know how to stand up to ED and let "him" know who is boss. YOU ARE!!!

I think for everyone time you achieve a goal-like not purging or whatever else that seems to trigger it...give yourself a star or a treat to doing an awesome job for "overcoming" it and not letting it get to you.

You are worth a lot more than "ED" gives you credit for. Its a good thing we know how to make choices, even when we are weak. (guilty here!!)

Safe hugz!

lisalisa said...

dear z,

it was a JOY to read this post...you are doing great work....what a wonderful day and experience...remember it when you are feeling low...keep fighting!

love, lisa

Just Eat It! said...

RIGHT ON! I'm so happy to read this.

lisalisa said...

Where have you been? Hope that you had a good weekend and all is going well (but if it's not that's ok, write about it:) )!

Zena said...

hey lisa,
thanks for checking in(((hug)))i have just been feeling really depressed and not up to writting...feeling like everyone is sick of hearing the same old crap...i will update soon I promise!

Love, Z

firefly said...

Z: Don't give up! You are worth more then ed.

firefly said...

Zena: I heart you and am worried about you!

lisalisa said...

i am worried about you too! I dont want to sound like a psycho, but have really gotten to feel like you are a good friend, and it's hard not to know what is going on or how i can help. You have given me so much support and encuoragement, and i want to be there for you if you need me, and i know from reading peoples comments that i am not the only one. Even though i dont know whats going on, i hope you are still fighting, because you are a fighter; you're strong, and you're worth fighting for! You can do this!