Saturday, May 30, 2009

Alyssas meet

This Isaiahs second birthday
and this is my princess
<and again

see this is what i have to live for


Love, Z

12 comments:

Zena said...

I had a pic of me and isaiah up for all of 30 seconds but I took it down i couldnt bare to look at it...

love, Z

Jena said...

Your daughter is really beautiful. She looks so sweet and I can only imagine how graceful. What a gift. In all your darkest moments, remember your baby girl in that beautiful little white costume. Priceless.

lisalisa said...

your daughter is beautiful...and YOU are beautiful...i don't need a picture to see that, it shines through in the way you fight, your passion, the love you have for your children, the support you give to others! I wish you could be as kind to yourself! But i am very glad to hear you are not fasting and are taking a break from running; some part of you wants to live and is fighting to survive. I would love to see the pic of you and isaiah. You know, i had a similar struggle recently and it was hard, but i'm glad i did what i did by re-posting those pictures and i feel stronger for it. A small victory is a victory nonetheless! How are the plans for php going? And great job not purging!

joann said...

That's your treasure <3

zubeldia said...

hi sweety, I'm so glad you had this time with your little girl today. You're so right... these are them moments to cherish, and even though you are in the thick of an extremely hard depression, look at you finding the strength to see something beautiful and wonderful in your midst.

You're pretty great, too, my friend. Look what you have helped to create.. a sweet, sweet girl. I KNOW you can do this, honey. I just know it.

firefly said...

LOVE IT! I was wondering what happened to I's picture. I wrote a longer comment on the blog before. Hang in there!

Zena said...

okay guys my daughter is a princess cant you see it...she and teh rest of teh clan are what is keeping me going, we have to go to a softball game tonight ( for her) its her "under the lights" game, pretty special for a 6 yr old...but i am here ready to cry as i ate 2 fat free hot dogs tonight and I promised M I would drink a boost before bed...guys this depression is debilitating...I just want to curl up and sleep forever...I am thinking I may need more intensive tx...if I could get the depression under control maybe I would be able to eat...thsi isnt about wieght loss anymore its about something much deeper... my value for life, i cant find it..its lost...help me find it...

love, Z

zubeldia said...

Good job eating, honey, and whatever I can do to help with the supplement... let me know. Okay?

Sweetie, one thing contributing (though it's of course not the whole story) to the depression is the not eating. It's horribly cyclical. I think many of us have been there. But going through the motions of eating is going to be life saving for you, z. And at this point we need to keep you living so that you can work through this horrifying depression.

I think intensive help - and LONG TERM HELP - is key right now. Have you seen a good pdoc who might be able to help you with your meds?

Zena said...

zuby,

just left a message with my N, I am so sad and she too said teh same thing that the lack of food is what is contributing to my depression...I have a great pdoc and having been seeing her for the last 2 yrs...she wants me in the hospital now but i say i must wait til school is out as teh kids have so much going on right now. Plays...games...graduations...I just need to wait 18 more days...I can do it and I will do the supplement tonight I can promise you that...I dont care if it takes me all night...I will do it!!!

Love, Z

Jena said...

I think that not eating is definitely playing a part in your depression, but the word "cyclic" stuck out to me... I think you mentioned that you were also diagnosed once with BD and maybe this is also playing a role. You have a lot of warfare going on with those neurotransmitters in your brain, and if you let your heart give up, they will win the battle and you will lose everything. Don't give up. Fight as hard as you've ever fought for the next 18 days and demand to yourself that THEN you will get hospital treatment. If your depression and will to live doesn't kill you, your body will... and I know you've been told that by so many people who love you and care about you. Nobody wants to say goodbye to you. You have a whole life ahead of health and happiness. It's just beyond this rock bottom you've hit. Don't let your mind play tricks on you, like "I don't need hospital" or "I will only need it later IF" or "It won't happen to me." Those thoughts can kill a person.

Bottom Line: Even if it is writing statements that you feel absent of, keep your heart and your passion for life! And keep them as separate from the cyclic nature of your illness, your depression, your mind games as you can. Your heart can help you win this.

Just Eat It! said...

Great job eating the hotdogs. I know how hard depression can be. Usually, I kind of try to sleep it off or distract myself with something more pleasant.

Your daughter is so precious.

belinda said...

zena honey,
i admire your strength and determination. i know in my heart that you can do this.

depression can be so debilitating and the mixed up eating patterns surely do make it worse. its kind of a catch 22, i know hon. but you can ride it through by doing the right things. looking out for yourself, nourishing yourself. its doable, bloody hard and painful at times, but doable.

i love you
belinda.x