Friday, May 1, 2009

Seems to be going around...

well you all know how I saw doc A this week and I was down and she went on about the brain matter eating itself and stuff...and yes i nodded cause well what else could i do...but she also said and heres teh part where i start to panic...that K needs to keep closer tabs on my wieght..ie..wieghing me weekly...now for good reason we dont do that..

1) DOc A does it once a month

2) I fucking FLIP

3) I panic

4) I cry and kick and scream and all sorts of nasty ass thoughts go through my head...like


FAT FUCKER

and

NASTY PIG

and the idea of one more person knowing how fat i am freaks me out even though she my N...and i love and trust her completely, but shit why does this have to be, I am freaking out, that I must be lower tehn I was on Tuesday when Doc. A wieghed me and will Doc A talk to K and will they know it went down even more and will she think wow thats a real high number to be so concerned and and and like WOW she is WAY to F@T to have a fucking eating disorder let alone a severe one WTF...


Its just a scale

but I am in a panic

I don t want to be wieghed with clothes on ( not that I want to be wieghed naked...lol...) but in a gown the same gown every time like at DOc A s
so now i will have to wear the same outfit to Ks every week for fear that one outfit may wiegh more then another OMG the fear and panic this is provoking in me is freaking ridiculous..she left me a message today that S called her...and they talked about me being down and what is a safe acceptable wieght for me to be at and how to make the scale LESS scary..well fuck guys i dont know if that s possiable...

SHIT I AM FREAKING OUT AND ITS NOT TIL WENESDAY AT %%%% 5:30...oh and its not in the morning so i will wiegh more if I eat durning the day so not only will this be a complete disaster cause I have to weighed at all but now Ill be triggered to starve.ugh.GREAT

Z

9 comments:

PTC said...

you need to talk to them all about this.

sarah said...

i completely relate ... and i feel for you.
is there any way that you can call K before you see her next and talk about this. i think that will help.

lisalisa said...

that sucks...i hate being weighed late in the day...but you cant starve all day. Can you reschedule your appt for earlier? And you shouldnt have to get weighed in clothes if that freaks you out; plus its not accurate anyway. i'll bet your N has a gown lying around and if you put your foot down she'll dig it out and let you wear it. You can do this! And maybe the frequent weigh ins will only be temporary- until you get back on track. I'm rooting for you !

Zena said...

Im gonna call K again today, she left me a message yesterday about how its just to keep me safe blah blah blah...and its only going to be one second of our time together and to try to not let it affect my eating but geez this has me wound tighter then a ball of yarn...I feel like a rubber band ready to snap...

Thanks for all your support guys...but i doubt she has a gown lying around..and I dont want to seem like a nut job for asking....arggggg


Love, Z

firefly said...

This does not sound good at all. Having to be weighed means losing=not good . My n found a gaown for me. Maybe ask her. Also you could make your apt earlier in the day so that you don't restrict all day.

belinda said...

zena honey
i totally understand how triggering this new plan is
BUT....

take a step back.
it is just a number
you are not the number
they want to do this for a reason
you will not be judged in the same way that you would judge yourself.
you need to address what the number means with S & K

i trust you will tell them how much this is freaking you out but on the flip side, you need to be monitored. it sucks but it is doable babe, it is. i totally understand though, i do

sending big hugs.
x

firefly said...

Where is my friend?

Zena said...

Im here guys ...struggleing like ever but doing it...Im doing it

Love, Z

sarah,

I tried to call you tonight but you didnt answer..I was out in the yard and in the house cleaning all day after A's game..party tomorrow

oh joy cake

Love, Z

firefly said...

have you been reading my blog? Oh joy cake! You can have a bit! I love you!