Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I am flipping out

I am getting wieghed by K today and i am FLIPPING!!!!!!


Help me calm down


FUCK


this sucks i want to have lost but at the same time i dont wnat to have cause i dont want my running privalges to be taken away

crap...


okay breath


Im not eating today til after my wiegh in...i ate yesterday and lost more wieght...WTF....maybe I should drink allot of water before I go...WOWSER ,... thats sounds very disordered...why am I losing if I am eating...I mean i wieghed on a full stomach it should not have been lower then the day before...and I had clothes on...oh and I talked to K about the gown thing and she doesnt have any...shes liek we are not wieghing ounces here...i just need to keep track...shes gonna think i am a heffer...Im not running til 4 today so i will have wet hair when i go...maybe that will do the trick....shit i am freaking out...

ITS JUST A NUMBER....I AM NOT A NUMBER


love, Z

14 comments:

Tri Thin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tri Thin said...

Have you thought about K hiding the weight reading from you? maybe that would help - what kind of treatment are you in where they actually let you know the number on the scale up or down?

PTC said...

Very, VERY disordered here. I don't think you want to get better.

Zena said...

I do get wieghed backwards its jsut the thought of someone else knowing my wieght instead of me...it drives me nuts..and yes i know VERY disordered, but i do want to get better

love, Z

lisalisa said...

my advice is to be honest and tell your T and N every thought you wrote down in this post- they have the expertise to help you untangle the distorted thinking and get through this. And who knows, maybe if they see how much it affects you they wont have you weigh so often. Do you have to weigh? What would happen if you refused (politely)? Just to clarify- i'm not talking about refusing for ED-related reasons, but if you feel it's causing you more harm than good. Because YOU are a valuable pert of your treatment team, and should have a say.

Zena said...

the doc said they need to keep tabs on my wieght they know this is killing me...K said we will do it in the beginning of session so we will have the rest of the sesh to process....ugh 3 hours to go...

love, Z

lisalisa said...

i see... it's probably good that your being weighed then...sorry i tend to be the voice of dissent sometimes; it's my old rebellious nature ;) Hang in there! In a few hours it will be over for now :)

Just Eat It! said...

Weight always feels like a lose-lose-lose situation for me, hence the reason I avoid knowing all together. Don't do any elf-sabotaging like water loading or not eating.

Stay strong. I know you can do this. <3

Dee said...

Z...hon. Why don't you keep your weight # to your self and weigh yourself at home? well but then they don't know if your "cheating" or not either. (guilty!)

you know by them doing this they are not trying to "hurt' you but help you. Look how healthy you will be once you are at the weight your suppose to be. I know easier said then done.

Your poor body is lacking alot that it does not know how to keep it all in. Like people with MD, it doesn't take long for them to loose it all because their metomblism (sp?) doesn't hold when they just get up from the floor. doesn't take much to burn it off! wonder if your body is doing the same thing after you eat? should ask about that.

So how did today go?

Safe hugz!
Dee
A Mom's Journey

Zena said...

Today was a lose lose all teh way around...i lost another 4.5 pounds ...K wasnt happy but I wasnt happy either cause I know I could have been lower like I went in with wet hair and drank a bottle of water before I went in..ugh...she raised my MP which is silly cause she knows i cant do the 1500...it sucks..it just sucks all teh way around...cause next week will be even worse.

Love, Z

PTC said...

This is the last time I will say it, but you really need to go IP. Is your husband going to rehab? What's up with that?

Jena said...

I sure hope you're able to overcome this soon, hun. I worry about you a lot. You're really suffering and you seem so sad. My thoughts are with you sweetie. hey listen, for what it's worth, I think you need to put on REAL weight, not last minute weight, ok? They do this to save your life. You're shutting the door on them. I know you probably don't see it that way... but you're really at the bottom and you need to trust your care providers as much as you can.
((((((Zena)))))))

Telstaar said...

Hunni, you can't keep going lower, you gotta eat the 1500 minimum and really you gotta eat the new MP!

Please hunni! I wish I could be around more, I wish I could say email me with every meal and I"ll keep you company...you can try if you like but I'm so tired at the moment I'm not on my puta heaps but arghhh! PRAYING!!!! I feel helpless and that's okay, I just want to fix you cause I care.

Hunni, please please eat it!! you can do it, don't let the ed win, YOU ARE NOT A NUMBER!!! Don't let the numbers win...

I love you

Michele said...

Zena, one day at a time. You are fighting such a battle within yourself...I empathize. You are not a number, either. Hard as it is, the key is acceptance...acceptance that your perception of yourself isn't real...try the 1500 one day at a time. I'll be cheering you on. Michele