Sunday, May 31, 2009

I need help!!

and I dont know what Iam goignto do or where i am going to get it from but fuck all hell i need help...

Im sad, like so sad it hurts to be awake...my body is tired ALL the time, I dont want to live anymore,i ahve a headache and things dont seem to be getting much better, I need to hold on folks 18 more days...just let me hold on dont let em die in the mean time and by die i mean by a forced hand my health isnt to bad ( at least i dont think but one never really knows)

I see doc A on the 8th and hopefully she will clear me to do PHP on the 18th what day of teh week is teh 18th I dont even know

12 comments:

belinda said...

yes honey,
it hurts, like hell sometimes
but we are here to help you thru.
each baby step of the way.
hold on babe
i know you can do this, you can
i believe in you
what is going on?

x

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

why can't you sign yourself into a psych program for the depression?

S.

PTC said...

Why don't you call that number.

Zena said...

im calling php today

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

did you make the call?

s.

lisalisa said...

I am so worried about you! Please don't wait 18 days for more intense help because it sounds like you are in an emergency situation and might not make it that long. Please hear your own cries for help; we can give support, advice, and comfort, but we cannot physically take you to the hospital if you need to go. Do what you need to do to survive this; someday you will be on the other side of it and things will be better and this dark time will just be a bad memory! But you need to stay alive and make it through! You have alot of support and people who care (i am one of them, although i admit i cant do much over the computer),try to trust the advice you recieve. Remember you may be too deppressed or malnourished to think as clearly as you would normally. Please dont be angry, i'm only saying that because i care. Somtimes it can be a relief to finally give control over to the proffessionals and just do what they advise, even if it is inpatient. Of course this is never what anyone wants to do, but if the end result is to keep you alive, i'd say rather safe than sorry! Please keep talking and keep us updated and let us support you through this!
Love, lisa :)

Zena said...

I havent called yet but I have an hour and a half session with my N in a few min...I really want to hold of til next monday as that is when I see my Ed doc and if I have to go IP I would rather it be with her although now that i am thinking she would do the EKG anyway...hmmmm can we say a light bulb just went off I am not thinkning straight...

Mike took me and the kids out to lunch and forced me to eat a salad and I mean forced he said he would grab teh kids and walk out if I didnt eat and I did NOT want to do that to them...I feel so bad it was 3 hours ago and I still want to cry...I came home and took a nap cause I could nt stand teh feeling of being full..and another thing is I cant go to the bathroom either one, I drank a bottle of water after my run this AM and still no pee WTF...DOes this mean I am dehydrated...Ill ask K she know. I called S this morning cause she told me too but she hasnt called me back yet WTF there too I mean she knew last night I wanted to off myself why wouldnt she call me back after she told me to call....I dont get it...now I sound co- dependent ugh i cant win.

Lisa, you are amazing, you say just teh right thing and are so sweet to me I dont deserve it but I do appreciate it and Steph, thanks for careing enough tto ask how I am doing that means allot really it does.

okay guys I will update after K well first I have to take my kids to teh park then we I mean I will update...okay I am just confused I keep haveing to erase what I am writting..ugh...

Love, Z

lisalisa said...

just wondering how it went with your N and if S called you back ever. I hope you at least could have a little break at the park and relax for a bit. hang in there!

Zena said...

lisa, thank for checking in((hug))

I have allot to do today i had a sesh withK and she got me to drink some gatorade..S called me back and we talked for a bit and tehn she said she would talk to me tomorrow we have a sesh at 10:30am...K called at 8 last night and was liek i just spoke with S and she doesnt think PHP will work she wants you Ip some where...I disagree...I almost started to cry at the park...anyway i have to call DOc. A and try to get in today to get a wieght and an EKG done...if mt EKG comes back screwy i get admitted medically, she also has to give me a lab slip for PHP ...I almost hope my EKG is off cause i would rather be IP with her tehn at the physc. ward where they would send me...i knwo Ill end up witha tube up my nose but thats better tehn being with the nuttys. So if all is okay i have to call the PHP place and do an intake...if they will let me then i have to get my labs done...ugh..Ed robs me of time too.

I did havea good time at the park ..Isaiah was running all over the place and we ran into one of Zacks friends from school so the older 2 played with him it was fun then I got the kiddies ice cream and home to bed it was a good night even though i kinda felt liek shit you know...okay i will update when i can but if you dont here from me its casue I am in the hospital without a lap top.

Love, Z

PTC said...

Good, I hope you go IP. Seriously, you should call the place I gave you. FREE, GOOD IP treatment!!

lisalisa said...

I'm glad you had fun at the park! I hope you dont end up with a tube up your nose, but if that would help you get better then do whatever it takes! Did you get in to see the doc yet? If you did inpatient now, you would probably be out to enjoy at least half of the summer, if that helps you feel any better (depending on the program, of course). Are you thinking of going somewhere local? You were at Remuda before, right? Well, i would like to say i hope your ekg and labs are good, but at the same time i hope they aren't so you can get IP asap medically and start getting better! Praying for you!
((hugs))

Dee said...

PHP program will be a good place for you. I did a number of times and found it was most helpful...& hopeful!