Saturday, May 16, 2009

I swear....

or i would freaking like to cause everyone in my house is driving me insane!!! My daughter is 6 and thinks she is 15...shes become the biggest bitch with the biggest attitude...I just want to scream at her "what is your fing problem...why to hate me so much??" Oh and dont get me strarted on the 4 yr old. ALL HE DOES IS CRY. For everything...he cant have a piece of gum...cry. He cant find his ball...cry. Alyssa is mean to him....cry....oh and he hates me too. How do I know you ask? well cause he told me so!!! what 4 yr old tells there mother the women who gave him life he hates her...Ill tell you who, my kid!!!

where did I go wrong, I feel like I am a pretty good mom, I mean yeah I have an ED but shit, I take them to the park ALL the time, go on field trips, bake cupcakes, mend boo boos, stay all night with hacking kids, clean thier vomit, feed them, love them, hug them kiss them...tell how special they are, how pretty they are how great they are at gymnastics and baseball and singing and soccer. How well they draw, and paint and write. I do thier homework with them, listen to kindergarden drama and show empathy...geez what else can I do...some one tell me PLEASE!!!!

I am so fustrated right now I could practiclly cry I mean really what else could possiably happen. Isaiah fell at Alyssa softball game this morning and busted his lip, I mean he fell right in front of me like I tried to grab him but was a milisecond to late...and why did he fall you ask, well cause Zack tripped him...why would he trip him?? why?? why would he be so mean? did I not love him enough as a baby...maybe casue I cryed when I found out I was having a boy when I was pregnant. I nursed him for 9 months maybe that wasnt enough...maybe he needed more maybe he needed less...who knows.

Then you have Alyssa who wants to eat like ALL the time, and I give in but geez its so fustrating...she eats cause shes bored or lonely or sad or something other tehn hungry...actually ALL my kids lifes revolve around food..anywhere we go the main question is "can we get a snack...whine...." Park....they want a snack...softball, baseball, gymnastics, bowling, bounce and play, you name it they want something and yes I give in allot, cause i dont want them to deny themselves food like I do...where is the happy medium? EVERY WHERE WE GO THEY WANT SOMETHING!!!! and they cry cause I say NO!!! cry cry cry.

I am so fustrated right now...Zack is now crying as I type cause he cant put his pants on after his bath. He literally just said to me "Im to lazy" WTF!!! How did I raise kids like this and will it ever get better? will it ever be peaceful and calm?

I suppose I will wake up one day to an empty house. There will be no babies crying, No kids fighting. No boo boos to clean and kiss to make all better, No stories to read or homework to do. No one to sing songs with or chase in the yard, No ERs to sit in, No vomit to clean, No tears to wipe or games to watch or kids to potty train...I suppose one day I will wake up and realize these were the best years of my life and I missed them cause I spent to much time bitching...but I swear.... This mother thing is hard

okay i feel a little better...maybe Ill go hug a kid or three after all I dont want to miss the good things.



joann said...

Zena, it happens, I know very little about motherhood but sometimes it seems that everything is totally fcked up, that there's nothing to care about or to fight for.

But they are just kids and ALL they have comes from you.Not only from what you say but the way you act affects them. You're a GREAT MOTHER, there are difficult times, you may talk about it with your psycho, how to deal with the kids when they simply abuse you and think that's their right. You have to be strong and stay a role model for them.You should try to show them [I imagine how complicated the whole situation is...] that meals/snacks are additional things, that going to the park doesn't necessarily mean eating. That's crap, but as a mom you will know what to do...maybe just try to bring yourself down to their level and work out together what is the greatest pleasure for them, what would be their perfect day... stay calm and patient, if you're angry keep it all within for a while, count to ten, continue the topic with them and then open up here and let it come out of you.

And don't be scared of those negative emotions, they are needed sometimes too... I'm sure you're gonna deal with it, Honey, I'm bloody sure and I believe in you and think bout you often.

Did I mention you're great? :) :*


Telstaar said...

Hey hun, I get that this is purely one frustrated venting post so bring it on!! *huggles*

Jena said...

I'll have your kids.

PTC said...

I wish I knew what to say, Z. I don't know what to say to you anymore. I think your kids know what you're doing to yourself and that pisses them off and that's why they are behaving they way they are. I can only say this one more time, but you really need to go IP.

Zena said...

Guys dont get me wrong... I LOVE MY KIDS, I was just fustrated...after all they are kids and thats there job to fustrate thier mother, at least thats what my mom tells me.

PTC, I dont need IP, I looked at that site you sent me and really I am doing okay not great but okay...I will survive, we all will!

Love, Z

Did you guys read the end of my post, I think you would be less angry with me if you did.

firefly said...

Z: I hear you life can be very over stimulating with the kids , there demands etc. Breath and remember every good parent sometimes needs a break from it all. You can do this. I know you have alot of demands right now and a bunch of things that cause you anxiety. Breath my friend and yes bitch when need be. lol

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your kids are doing what they can with the verbal skills they have have to let you know the pain they are in. They can't sit down and have a long drawn out conversation about how sad and scared they are about what's happening around them. But from what you post on here- you constantly running, not eating, your husband drinking, your drinking, your husband going into rehab, your in and out of hospitals, your fighting with your husband over whatever it happens to be, financial issues...
These things all affect the kids in a temendous way. They may be small and seem to not pay attention, and we try like crazy to keep them away from this stuff- but they hear it and they do see it. Alyssa sees what you do with food- she knows. I'm sorry to say that, but I'm sure she does.
I work with kids and have for 9 years. They are a lot more perceptive than we think and they live in turmoil sometimes and all the trips to the park and all the positive comments in the world can't make up for the fact that they are watching their mommy kill herself. They may not fully understand all of it like we do, but they know things are not okay and that makes them feel upset and all they know what to do with those horrible feelings is to retaliate and act out- either against other kids, siblings, teachers, their parents and even themselves.
Put the energy into getting better-stop your behaviors. Do the work you need to do to get well and the rest will fall into place.
You were so focused a few weeks you know what happened to caused you to make the choice to stop moving forward in recovery?

zubeldia said...

Honey, I don't doubt for a moment that you don't love your kids dearly, and, frankly, ALL parents get very frustrated and ANGRY with their little tykes, but behavior you're describing rarely comes from no-place. You grew up with a very depressed mother and an abusive, absent father... My guess is that at the time they didn't think that their actions would affect you. My guess is that your mum considered herself to be a good mum because she took care of basic needs.

Sweety, I mean this very gently, but you have to be doing a lot of defensive work - psychologically speaking - to think that your kiddos are unaffected by any of this. It is painful to know that we affect those we love very deeply, and that give their ages it's not surprising to me that they're acting this way. It's the only language they have.

Honey, right now they are living in a household which is fraught with tension and anxiety, and no amount of play or trips to the park will undo that reality. Their dad has a drinking problem, their mum has a serious, life threatening, all-consuming eating disorder and the beginnings of a drinking problem.. their parents are having serious marital problems..

You can't get better for your kids, Tara, but you need to face head on the dramatic conssquences for them. I have done so much damage to my partner and friendships, and that is very painful to acknowledge.

belinda said...

I think Zuby & JD said it all really :(

i'm so sorry Zena
keep talking though

love you

lisalisa said...

there are so many things i want to say, but i just dont want everyone to read it. i feel your pain, and i agree with what alot of people have said, but i also do not judge you for one second, because i have also caused so much pain to my little ones through my ED, being in the hospital or gone for treatment, general mood swings, ect. Now i try to be the best mom in the world- i do all the things, the library trips, parks, cooking and baking together, read them books, ect, just like you said, but i feel it is not enough, will NEVER be enough, to make up for my shortcomings. So i just have to let it go and do my best, one day at a time, and pray that this will be the stuff that sticks with them in their memories, and not so much the bad stuff. And i pray, alot. Because if God doesn't have copassion for mothers and children, who does he have it for?

firefly said...

I think it is easy for people to judge others when they don't have kids. Have you noticed that the people with kids haven't been so hard. Parenting is very challenging and I know the place you are in right now. Yes, there is a lot going on right now but remember what I told you at least they are feeling safe to express what they are feeling to you. What happened to getting A and Z into therapy? I know more money but it would be well spent.
You do need to get back on track.
Read Reilo's blog. Remember we are trying to be encouraging! Hang in there.

zubeldia said...

Sarah, I don't think that it's necessarily being encouraging or supportive if we don't point out some hard truths. I for one wasn't being judgmental at all, and I didn't read anyone else's comment that way. Parenting is not easy, it is extremely difficult and challenging and all parents do things they wish they wouldn't. I don't think for a moment that I will be anywhere near a perfect parent. I think, though, that many of us grew up in chaotic households with a parent who had eating issues. I think many of us - including our sweet Tara - grew up in households where there was ongoing tension and insecurity.

To gloss over the profound affects on a child would be, I think, disingenuous, and I don't think we're doing anyone any favors if we do so.

I also don't necessarily think that taking the kids to a T will solve these behaviors. Too often we try to fix the kids when what needs fixing is their environment. These are SMALL children who simply can't comprehend the world in the ways that we can.

If pointing out the obvious is not encouraging and supportive.. then, I don't know. I have known Tara for a long while now and I have ALWAYS defended her from very harsh criticisms, especially when her kids have been mentioned.

Tara, you know that what I say comes from a place of love and concern for YOU. I don't see you getting any better, though, and with all the treatment and support you've had I have to wonder what WILL help? As hard as it is, I do think it's time to face what this does to those around you; what it does to your marriage, what it does to your children's sense of self.

Again, I don't doubt for a minute that you love your children dearly, but you have a very severe illness and motivation to do anything in any genuine way about it is really lacking. Meanwhile your kids suffer... as do YOU. You're living a miserable life right now, my girl, marked by extreme suffering and anxiety. But even with all this anxiety and self-hatred you have to act.. you have to make some choices on a daily basis to change this life of yours. You are the ONLY one who can really do that. I will be the lone voice, perhaps, and say that I dont necessarily think that IP will help you. I think it will help for a little while and then you'll be back in this spot.

I don't feel angry with you, Tara, I feel so much sadness. You have so much potential as a human being. Frustrations with kids is so normal... even having hateful thoughts towards our kids is NORMAL, but, love, to think their behaviors are somehow disconnected from what is going on with you and M is.. well, a bit head in the sand.

With love

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Not every comment that isn't coddling is judgemental, Sarah. And Zuby said the rest.

Zena, I know this is hard, but do you have any thoughts about what has been said here?


Zena said...

I have allot of thoughts , i am not sure I can articulate them well right now, but now first and foremost I LOVE my kids I was just venting.

My daughter may be acting out cause she is fearful, fearful that mommy and daddy will fight or seperate, fearful that mommy might go away again, fearful that daday might go away.

She doesnt know who to trust, I think she doesnt listen to me cause she trusts me with her feelings...she listens but its always a test with her, like how far can I push mommy til she breaks.

I talked with K about it last night and S last week and they both said I just need to keep being firm, to set rules and boundries, and while yes i am sick it is not her job to worry, my husband makes the mistake of always talking about my ED in front of her and she gets really worried and that is most likely why she is acting out.

My middle one perhaps is angry for different reasons allot being I think he is jealous of the baby ( who is 2 now)...I always have done everything for him, most likely in an effort to make up to him for missed time, i am realize now i am doing him no favors in that aspect, he needs to grow, to become independent...but at the same time I want to protect him an always have...he doest really know about the ED except to pray for it to go away....

Ill be back later I have more to say but I have to go see S

love, Z

zubeldia said...

I hope it goes well today, Tara.

I want to say that I'm not sure this has much to do with love, at this point. I dont think anyone doubts for a second that you love your kids. And venting about it is completely reasonable and fine. What I'm responding to are the behaviors that you're describing.

These are the behaviors of very stressed kids. I would hate to question your T's advice, but I'm not even sure how being firmer with them would help. I think about my own childhood when I write this, but my mum was firm and I simply felt even more unlistened to, I felt more alone, more insecure, more unseen, and even less important.

Last night I called my mum and she was drunk. I'm 33 and I am still affected by this even now. Even now that I understand it, even now that I can recognize and process her pathology... but it still hurt, I felt alone, I felt at sea, and I felt secondary in every way to her own needs and anxieties.

I know that your intent is love to your kids, my friend. But sometimes - in fact, perhaps always - our behaviors have consequences on others which we simply do not intend. I'm sure you wish that both your parents had recognized this.

break the cycle, Tara. I KNOW that you can. And I know that you have the love for those kids that will make this possible.

With love

Zena said...

I just had a long talk with S and she is very worried about me and my complete denial that the Ed is taking over again, i started to cry when she asked why i didnt bring my boost into session...I was just so scared. i wrapped my self into a tight ball on her couch and just sobbed. th e reality hit me!! I need to make some real changes, starting with my intake...remember when i posted a while back "i wish she loved us more tehn she hated herself"...well thats where I am I may hate myself but i love my kids more, i really and truely do so I am going to try and push through the fear today today I will drink 2 boosts....dear god give the strength to do what I need to, to save my family.

Love Z

PTC said...

And you're saying that you don't need to be IP. You need to be IP most out of anyone I know.

Anonymous said...

I don't think anyone was being judgemental Firefly.
I know for sure I wasn't. I don't generally judge people- I'm work in social services and it goes against everything I believe in. I re-read my post and don't think it sounds judgemental either. However, I can't not say things if I feel it might be beneficial to someone- again I work in the helping profession.
I am concerned for you Zena and your children,
you try and try to do what you can and there seems to always be a huge stumbing block in front of you. I do believe though, like Zubeldia said, there needs to be movement- no matter how small.
I do believe you can do it, you have shown yourself (most importantly), you can do it, just recently even!
You have an abundance of strength- from what you have already overcome in your life, use that to get you through instead of a hinderance. Let your past give you strength...
You are a survivor.
You are meant to overcome this too. But you have to be in constant motion--fight every single minute.

Michele said...

Zena, I didn't read all the comments, but I'll keep it short and sweet....I raised his, mine and ours....we had custody of all of them. Ages at th etime of our marriage two boys age 2, a girl age 4 and a girl age 5...9 months later a baby girl. We didn't have tons off money...I had to work from the time the youngest was 6 months old. They have all done well, with the exception of youngest who will be better once shse has had therapy and someone puts her on some meds...I suspect she is bipolar and borderline personality disorder....this never showed up when she was younger (like under 25). Anyway, I had a couple of simple rules:
1.Always know I love you.

1.if I say no, it's because I'm the mom and it's my job to take care of you. If you throw a fit when I say no, you will go to your room. If we are in public, we will leave.

3. You didn't come with instructions...sometimes I may seem like I don't know what I'm doing. It'll be ok...I'm smart and I'll figure it out.

4. You don't have to like don't have to love me...but you do have to respect me and my rules.

5. And there are rules because kids are more secure when there are boundaries.

6. You don't yell at me, roll your eyes, or.... If you do, you will go to your room until you can be respectful.

7; All of the above goes for your father too.

8. Father and I will take our disagreements playing one side against the other...a united front.

9. Always know you can come to me with a problem...if you did something wrong and you come and tell me, I promise not to yell. We will figure out what to do together.

10. No fighting with your siblings...someday they wiill have all you have......stick up for each other.

Finally, always kiss them goodnight, give lots of hugs, remember they are small people with needs and wants just like us.

Don't necessarily assume when someone else tells you your kid did something wront that he did. I've caught a couple of teachers on that one! Be their champion.'

That wasn't short...but it was what worked for eldest daughter is an attorney who doesn't practice...she switched careers, became a teacher and is to become principal of a school in July. My second daughter works if she has to but prefers the stay-at-home mom. He children have all turned out well...funny she used the same rules I did. My older son is a dental tech supervisor, travels the world on religious missions during the summer, has custody of his three children...and is a terrific father. my other son is recently remarried...has raised his boys now 16 and 15, since they were 2 and 3. They are good boys, musically plays drums, and one plays guitar. My son is an engineer during the day, but has a rock band in Phoenix called Idlebind (see my space for Idlebind if you want). And the youngest after losing her husband who left her with no insurance, had not put her name on the house after they married, -- he killed himself drinking...pretty selfish. His illness and need for her care caused her successful business to fail. She was left with nothing but is trying to overcome the grief, loss and abandonment and is in denial that she could possibly be bipolar like mom. She is in therapy though. So my rules have worked for the most part. I see my kids often (they are all out of state) and they have always been respectful...non-whiny...not in trouble...and they are all very close still. That's my story...maybe you can take something from it. I'm 63 going on 45 and determined that I have bipolar disorder but it doesn't define who I am.

belinda said...

you know i love you and am not here to judge, i don't do that.
i know you love your kids so so much. i know that this process is so hard and it hurts like hell.. it hurts you and the kids. i am glad that while with S, you could see that things have to change.
how do they change?
in micro movements honey.. little baby steps. one foot in front of the other. i know you can do this, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.