this is third time I have typed out this post and if it doest save then well I am done with it...
I saw S this morning and we talked about hope and how I need to find my inner hope and then I will find healing...that my hope is not all gone or I would not continue with tx...she procedded to say my depression is due to malnutrion and and once I get better nourished I will find my meds working a lot better. the question now being how to find my inner hope... so how does one find thier inner hope, I have begun to uunderstand that I may not be chonic that maybe there is a possiablity that I will over come this illness that it doesnt have to be my death sentence.
we talked and she is so good and kind and understanding and she understands how hopefull and hopeless I feel at the same time, like there is there is this big black hole swallowing me up and I have no idea to pop the hole.
I want to eat but feel liek I cant so to counter act the thoughts I ate my eggs anyway just moments ago...it 2 thirty in the afternoon and I was hungry so I ate and now I am scared...I am sipping on chicken broth cause my heat just went out and I am freezing...but anyway back to hope and healing.
It was one of teh main things we studied at Remuda... how to find hope in the midst of our struggles I am going to go back and read my Remuda workbook s and hopefully find some inspiration.
I went to see K last night and I asked her to wave her magic wand and make me all better and to my suprize she had a wand and she gave it to me to hold onto next week..its something tangiable that I can look at and say look that wand says I need to eat and I will do it...I need to go out and get some boost cause I need to supplement as I am not eating enough but that okay cause I CAN do this!!!
I love my TX team.
okay so B asked me what was really wrong behind the wieght cal food things and here it is for those who are interested...I think my H and I are headed for the big D word. He says I dont love him anymore and I am pretty sure from how he act toward me he doesnt love at all...we keep drifting further and further apart and its scary I wish we could be closer but its so hard with an Ed and an Alcoholic trying to make a marriage work. S says we have all the pieces but its like a puzzle and we need to put it all together...I want this marriage to work...I guess we need to work at it...TOGETHER!!!
then there is the fam stuff everybody is fighting and its scary I hate fighting really I do, and my mom found this old journal and she said it explains allot and I dont want to know what that means..its scary to find out the truth...I dont want to knwo the truth.
My 2 Sises are driving me nutzo and I need to figure out how to be the mediator between them my mom and my father...stressful shit..so thst s why I am focussing so much on food and wieght and such...Ill be back later...kids need me