Tuesday, December 30, 2008

There is healing in hope

this is third time I have typed out this post and if it doest save then well I am done with it...

I saw S this morning and we talked about hope and how I need to find my inner hope and then I will find healing...that my hope is not all gone or I would not continue with tx...she procedded to say my depression is due to malnutrion and and once I get better nourished I will find my meds working a lot better. the question now being how to find my inner hope... so how does one find thier inner hope, I have begun to uunderstand that I may not be chonic that maybe there is a possiablity that I will over come this illness that it doesnt have to be my death sentence.

we talked and she is so good and kind and understanding and she understands how hopefull and hopeless I feel at the same time, like there is there is this big black hole swallowing me up and I have no idea to pop the hole.

I want to eat but feel liek I cant so to counter act the thoughts I ate my eggs anyway just moments ago...it 2 thirty in the afternoon and I was hungry so I ate and now I am scared...I am sipping on chicken broth cause my heat just went out and I am freezing...but anyway back to hope and healing.

It was one of teh main things we studied at Remuda... how to find hope in the midst of our struggles I am going to go back and read my Remuda workbook s and hopefully find some inspiration.

I went to see K last night and I asked her to wave her magic wand and make me all better and to my suprize she had a wand and she gave it to me to hold onto next week..its something tangiable that I can look at and say look that wand says I need to eat and I will do it...I need to go out and get some boost cause I need to supplement as I am not eating enough but that okay cause I CAN do this!!!

I love my TX team.

okay so B asked me what was really wrong behind the wieght cal food things and here it is for those who are interested...I think my H and I are headed for the big D word. He says I dont love him anymore and I am pretty sure from how he act toward me he doesnt love at all...we keep drifting further and further apart and its scary I wish we could be closer but its so hard with an Ed and an Alcoholic trying to make a marriage work. S says we have all the pieces but its like a puzzle and we need to put it all together...I want this marriage to work...I guess we need to work at it...TOGETHER!!!

then there is the fam stuff everybody is fighting and its scary I hate fighting really I do, and my mom found this old journal and she said it explains allot and I dont want to know what that means..its scary to find out the truth...I dont want to knwo the truth.

My 2 Sises are driving me nutzo and I need to figure out how to be the mediator between them my mom and my father...stressful shit..so thst s why I am focussing so much on food and wieght and such...Ill be back later...kids need me

Z

8 comments:

Palmtreechick said...

Keep thinking these things and having hope. You can do it.

belinda said...

i LOVE you!
thank you for taking up the challenge sweetpea :)
i love this post, to hear YOU talking about what is really going on. you have the hope, i can see it in this post honey. hold on tight!

having 2 people ill & struggling in the same house is really fucking hard. i know. it is a stressor to see someone you love so sick and then to try and focus on yourself and the kids.. gosh darling, it must be draining at times. i can see how and why this is so difficult for you.

the best thing that happened for D & i was to live apart, it hopefully is temporary. we are both able to shift our focus towards our own recoveries. i am not sure if this is something you would consider. Shit, it was really hard in the early stages but now, i think it is for the best. living apart doesn't have to mean divorce.

and re the family stuff.
awwww ~ you don't need to be the mediator. they are all adults and can fight their own battles. you have enough to deal with. let them bicker and carry on like nuffies if they so desire - you cannot control this. all you can do is look after your own relationships honey.

congratulations on going back to your remuda workbooks. i love to read the strength you possess!
big hugs darling.
i do love and miss you!!

xo

Zena said...

Thankyou my loves I have I had lunch and dinner tonightI am feeling sick about it...I want to drink I want to drink bad...

B,
your welcome for taking up the challange...thank you for giving it to me . it was carthardic to work through some of the feeling that have been building up for so long...

I did something stupid today but Im not ready to say what it is...but I did tell S.

ugh, if its not one thing its another

Z

Zena said...

I succomb to the alcohol..Im drunk aND LOVING IT..TOO many CALORIES though...do you know who handy manny is ...Z man wants to wants to watch it on my phone...hes a pain in the ass...oh well,,here s to the Z man!!!

Feisty Frida said...

Hey Zena, nice to meet you!!! We're so lucky to have such adorable kids! I look forward to reading more about you!!
xox
Frida

belinda said...

honey,
you don't have to say what you are not ready to say ~ but when/if you are ever ready, we are here for you, ok? i'm glad you could share it with S :)

i'm drinking too
but it's new years where i am :p
be gentle with yourself
i love you! ok!!

xo

Zena said...

okay guys this is where you come in I wont be seeing my T til next week due to the holiday in fact I have omly seen her once a week for the last three weeks due to holiday crap and it sucks big time but anyway....okay here it is...I bought some laxitives yesterday and I took them and I feel just aweful about it. I emailed S and she was like you know what to do GET RID OF THEM!!!...I need some support they make me feel light and free and I dont want to get rid of them, but they also make me feelsick and gross and I need to so I am going to toss them...okay here it goes...wait Im not ready maybe later...sigh...I need to clean my house Iam baby sitting tonight a 4 month old and a five yr old...I cant wait to play with the baby...yeah for babies

Z

belinda said...

ok, you know me..
i'm going to say it straight
FLUSH THOSE LAXATIVES! NOW!

honey they do more damage than good, they are not ever going to help you. it is the ED that says that they make you feel light and free.. let's think about it, now really.. they cannot possibly make you feel either of those things and at least not for very long.

what else can make you feel light and free?
lets look at that....
meditation
prayer
creation
playing with babies

there is no way in this world that anything self destructive can be perceived as freedom.

what are the laxatives REALLY doing for you? for you!! ??

you can do this, i know it!
xo