Friday, December 26, 2008

tea and coffee

My In laws bought me this mug and they imprinted pictures of the fam on it and one of the pics was from last xmas when I was at a pretty low wieght and I am so triggered i am sipping tea out of my mug right now thinking what a fat pig I am and how could I have let myself get like this.

I blame REMUDA for bringing me to my "goal" wieght..whose goal certainly not mine...I feel so gross and now I have a way to make myself feel horriable about my self every morning at least until I get thin.

I know they thought it was a sweet gift and I am grateful they put so much time and effort into making it for me but its left me feeling I dont know sad...and ofcourse all i have eaten today is my 2 eggs and slice of bread..its now 5:30 pm. M is a at the store and I am sure I am going to have a frozen dinner when he gets home or he will flip...I just want to go to bed...

I am so sad

but tea makes you not hungry

thats a good thing

I need S, and she hasnt emailed me back yet...its been all day, I feel neglected, I know its silly but I cant help it...

and A is asking for food again...she is sick and still wants to eat...junk..she wont take anything healthy...god help me (us) through this, the last thing I want to is give my kid an ED...this is no way to live...really its no way to live but I guess its a way to die...

I wish I could cry

but I cant I am just numb and sad and then numb again...

how long can this go on?

14 yrs is long enough...okay folks I will eat dinner tonight I just talked myself into it...besides I will still be under 600 cal for the day, coffee included, love that coffee...

think I will check if S emailed me back yet...

Love, Z

12 comments:

Anna said...

i am so addicted to coffee!

i'm trying very hard to drink green tea for the weight loss benefits and for appetite, but it's just not as good :(

600 cals isnt bad! go easy on yourself! and stay safe ♥

Zena said...

thank you I Anna, Its always nice to have new readers...you would have to drink like massive amounts of green tea to see any changes...

COFFEE RULES!!!

S just emailed me back ..thank god..she wants to know why I hate my family...so I told her well see what she says...she is always such a comfort

Love, Z

firefly said...

Tara: Remuda was suppossed to get rid of the ed mind and body. I know it's fusterating. I'm not sure what will work for sure. Maybe environmental factors need to change. Maybe you should have stayed longer. What did you say to Remuda when they called? Did you tell them how disappointed you where that you are struggling?

As for that coffee mug can you take the picture out and put a picture of your family in it? I'm glad you got something in today. You do know that restricting slows metabolism.

As for A we'll talk tonight. There is a girl in treatment that never eats her veggies. I keep thinking how does she survive w/o ever eating veggies.LOL I'll talk to you later. Take care most likely S hasn't gotten her e-mail.

firefly said...

ha! I'm texting and blogging at the same time. Zena where has your mind gone? I'm feeling bad about eating now.

Zena said...

Yeah you ate!!!

I am so proud of you(((Sarah)))

S emailed me back a little while ago

no guilt darling...no guilt

love, Z

zubeldia said...

Tara, It's sometimes hard to know if I'm reading TARA'S words or the words of some pro-ana 15 year old, right now. Remuda MADE you fat? hon, come on, you know better. You're creating narratives in your mind to trigger yourself. THAT IS NOT OKAY.

Honey, your daughter is developing a serious eating disorder. if you can't see that I don't know what it will take... She's bingeing because she is stuffing back her emotions. My ed started as binge eating at her age.

normalize your eating, honey, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO... You do. Throw the cup away, put in away if you can't part with it, but you're now doing this to yourself. You know what to do.

Sarah, hon, if you're feeling triggered reading Tara's blog then maybe it's time to focus on your own recovery.

Tara - what are you going to do? You're not a teenager anymore. You're the adult mother of three kids, one of whom is clearly struggling.

it's the ed or your family, Tara. It's a really simple choice at this point.

Love z

Zena said...

Z,
I spoke with S last night and I realized the reason I was feeling so triggered was because of all the unspoken family conflict that took place on christmas...everyone was silently mad at each other and using me as the go between, it was ridiculous...I love the mug it has pictures of all my kids on it..I do know what to do and after i spoke with S last night I made dinner and kept it in and I am about to make some breakfast...I took fias advice and when A started to ask for more food I asked her what was wrong she said she just wanted me so we cuddeled on the couch and watched a movie for an hour that seemed to quite her, I guess thats just what she needed some quite time with mom. I know she is very fearful of me leaving again...so I have to put a stop to that happening, I need to eat breakfast...and I will just as soon as I am done blogging

love, Z

ps. Zuby, how are you feeling, I have been thinking allot about you and how excited you must be, has any of the nausa disappated at all...I am wishing you well and hope that things go easier on you

love you

DaftDragon said...

aww, that is so sweet with your daughter, i am so glad to hear that :) sucks with the mug. i am glad to hear you ate breakfast and are trying to be healthier today. sending love

xKimX

fia said...

Tara, I am SO GLAD to hear that you are taking positive steps for yourself today AND that you are helping A in such a great way.

Please still get her into therapy. I know from experience that sometimes children can say things to other safe people that they cannot say to their parents for fear of hurting or losing them. Five is a hard age - caught between little- and big-kid stages, learning about the world in a very different way from when she was four or five.

This post scared me and made me incredibly sad and frustrated, and it is heartening to hear YOUR voice speaking up again.

Help yourself. Help your children. Amazingly, the two mean very similar things.

Zena said...

Thanks fia,
i know we need to get A into T but right now money is so tight I just think I have to keep asking my T and N what I should do...shes been better today not so needy and we are going to read in a few minutes so that should be good...soothing for us both...It is such a hard age, today she told my H that if he has to spell out th words then he probablly shouldnt being saying them, she s a very smart little girl...

Love, Z

Zena said...

I hate myself I feel so gross..I just want to be thin again..god how did I let myself get like this..I fucking crying....

Palmtreechick said...

Remuda helped you live!!