Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Voice that screams

and the one that doesnt
that s what I am dealing with right now the voice that says I am a fat pig and dont deserve to live and teh small quiet mousy voice that wispers health..and when I say whisper I mean whispers..I can barely hear the voice its so quiet..and its the voice I want to listen to..not the one that says being thin is everything..tah taI deserve to die if I dont listen to it..Its a very scary world out there and I am not so sure I want to be a part of it...

I have thought what it might be like to have a candle lit for me cause it killed me...and you know what it feels soft...like a big fluffy pillow..I want that pillow..i want that soft glow of the candle light..and it kinda scares me...I think about death so often lately.

I dreamed I was in the hospital last night ..with DR.A and not being able to breath cause my heart would nt pump right and I wasnt scared, I wasnt scared at all...i kept waking up hopeing to get back to the dream...and I did..I kept dreaming it over and over again..until the weee hours of the morning...and it felt good...It felt safe..calm and quiet.

I need this all to stop...I need it all to go away...I need the pain to stop and I need to stop living this fake life..this joke of an existance...Iam so sick of living..Im just so sick of it all..

Z

9 comments:

firefly said...

Awww Zena: I wish I could come grab you and take it all away make you feel better. You really don't want to die but to live without ed in your life. Can you imagine what that would be like? It only takes a spark to keep the candle burning. You don't wantto end up back in treatment which is where you'll be headed if you keep it up. You know it will happen again. You were forced the last time too. Why is your family so bad? What are you running from? Have you ever gone into treatment willingly to get rid of ed? I have to write motivation to get rid of ed sometime today per therapy assignment. I'll send it to you. You can do this !

Palmtreechick said...

Z, I think you should seriously consider going back IP. You want to get better, you do, you just need that little extra help. That dream is scary...very scary. Your kids need you!

Anna said...

it scares me to hear you talk like that. are you ok? or are you planning something?

please dont hurt yourself!

firefly said...

Thinking of you Zena. I know you're not happy with M but your ed is winning out. I'm concerned that you feel like you want to die. Not good. Hang tight! LOVE YA! Write or share blog with S.

DaftDragon said...

Z, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is so hard to want to be healthy when you can't think of anything that matters more to you then being thin. I know you said that you wanted to avoid the hospital at all costs, but it sounds like you may need that extra push hon. You really need to tell your T about this stuff. I know you said that you don't want to leave ur kids and be IP again, but ur better off to them healthy after a short absence then perpetually depressed and bogged down in ED or worse. Please love yourself and those around you enough to get the help you need. You deserve to be happy and healthy and to find yourself beautiful regardless of your weight. Sending love and good karma.

xKimX

zubeldia said...

Honey, I don't know what it's going to take, but suicide ideation is serious. It's really, really serious. My sense is that you need to have a longterm stay in a center which can help you not just with the eating but with the underlying depression and anxiety, too.

I think saying that you can't because of your children, is a red-herring at this point, T. Look, you're not there right now, you're chance of survival decrease everyday, the dream about your heart is so frighteningly real that you must know that using your children as the reason you can't go for more than a month or so.. is, well, simply misguided.

You need help, babe. I don't know if you can stay with M and live the life you've been leading and get better. I just don't know.

Can you think of a life - what it would look like - that would seem tenable to you?

Zena said...

Im so sorry guys for making you worry about me, I m safe really I am , its just that sometimes its so hard to keep fight ing when you dont know what yo uare fighting for anymore...is there life really beyond these confines of AN..DOES it REALLY get better??

I dreamt the same thing again last night only I wasnt as sick and she said I didnt need to stay in the hospital and I was afraid, i said yo ucant send me home you just cant...I want to live but I dont .you know what I mean...fighting is just getting to hard...but right now i am safe I swear.

Love, Z

Zena said...

I emailed S guys...

i know I need more help...

just dont know what to do...

but I am safe,

Zuby,
what would my life look like?? well I dont know exactly...I think I would have a happy marriage, happy healthy children...i would love my body regaurdless of size...I would feel some freedom...to want to live.

Z

firefly said...

Hey Zena: How did your day go? Did S have any suggestions? It sounds like you want to be saved. Your dream sounds like you feel like you are afraid of losing Dr. A's support. Maybe your conscious is going back in forth with needing more help and returning to this horrible edfull life.