there has got to be a reason why I am so stuck in the cycle of ED...what is my payoff why am I doing this to myself?? what do I need to prove?
I want to be the best the best at everything I do...but I dont want to be dead or maybe I do, I dont want to lose my children and I am sick of hurting my daughter, Ed is saying fast today but I am going to ignore the Ed voice at follow Ks plan...I went out to dinner last night and order off thre light menu ( pissed of my inlaws) but I ate half and some salad so I think I did okay...
you lost wight ...my MIL said..NO I said...yes ...well I am still fat so its okay I say...well Im not watching your kids if you go into the hospital again...and still I think its the only option to get me healthy I need a lobotomy, I cant fight the Ed voices they are so loud, I hate it...I have a headache.
I am nervous about my session with M tomorrow night I am afraid of what he will say...I am afraid he wants a divorce, he is sick of me and truth be told I am sick of me I am sick of being sick, when will it ever be enough??? NEVER!!!!
okay so I know that yet I keep trying to please the Ed...
okay I need to take my meds
which I have been taking on time every day
yeah for that!!!
Love, Z
6 comments:
oh shit z, this is so tough. i am glad to see you saying you want to be better, and glad you are taking your meds. i don't know the full sitch, but i hope everything goes alright with m, i hope you are just having an ed blow-things-out-of-proportion moment... either way, sending love and good karma.
i know how it feels to need o be the best at everything. one thing that helped me with ed was i had to reconceptualize what being 'the best' meant. i now try to be the best at staying in perfect health, maintaining my doc's recommended ideal weight, the best at knowing what the real best is, being better than women who fall for societies bullshit and believe the skinny hype.
easier said than done, believe me i know, but you can get there. i know you can.
take care of u,
xKimX
thanks Kim,
i have taken IP off the table so I really need to push myself...I will make it through this I will maintaain my wieght and fight the voices...I know the best is not what a "normal " person is ..I just have to accept that I am normal...and move on
love, Z
Hon, why is IP off the table? Frankly, it's only been in IP that you've tasted recovery...Sweety, I am really worried for you. In the couple of years i've known you this is by FAR the worst I have seen you.
cause in SF they said I need to do this OP...I trying to listen.......whats her name just said fucking do it...only I cant seem to...I have been purging all day...ugh...and I go to see S soon with M..fun stuff
love, Z
honey, you do need to do this.. and if it's IP you need, it's what you need. But you're in a horrible cycle of going into a day program, IP, etc, and then you are back to the ed. I don't know what it's going to take, love. Eds are a vicious condition and it's of course not as simple as just eating and doing it, but it DOES require you to do SOMETHING. What could you do differently? Hon, the past haunts us for a long time, but something is going on in your present life - perhaps with M - which is keeping you in this. Are you happy in your family life? What do you want your days to look like?
This is your life, chica. This is it. What do you want?
I just saw K this morning and we have set up a plan to once again add a carb a day til I reach my goal of 8 a day (minimum)...I have yet to start it this morning as i am petrafied. we had a good session with S last night, M is goign to see a T in teh same building as S to help with his drinking and Binge eating...It will help in getting out some of the fustration he feels with me and my Ed and maybe he wont take it out on me so much ...that might help in my Recovery...
With S last night we discussed me finding a safe place..where I go in my mind to ward off the ed voices that scream in my head any time I try to eat...I found a book I am reading called the shack and its seems to help me with the voices in my head...I will keep trying..i will keep trying
Love, Z
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