okay I admitt it AN got me and I am scared
I cant eat even if I wanted too, I m to afraid and to fat, what triggered this recent laspe, well lets see S thinks it was when they gave me permission to exercise, it triggered me into severe restricting very quickly , they took away the privilge as quick as they could but admittly I am lost in the AN world. I am not underwieght so I dont see it as a problem except for the fact that I have a bad heart and I dont want to die but if I do I want to do it thin...arggggg...Iam so fucked up, S was pleased that al least I realized I was being irrational...I did as she said last night but 650 cal for a day is not much and my brain is screaming at me that it was a binge, I know in reality that it wasnt but I feel so gross...
Ed is telling me only 400 today and I am really looking at complete restriction, already I am not sleeoping good and I havent stopped moving all day I have been clean obessivily..oh boy I am in deep!
In other news there is something wrong with my middle child he is so angry and I dont know why, he had a play date yesterday and that went well except they had pizza and I just started at the food not one bite passed my lips..( good for me Ed says)..but anyway I dont know what is wrong with the Z man...last night he flipped out I mean rolling around screaming kicking thrashing, screaming I hate you, all cause he thought him and his dad might not put up the x-mas light cause M had to work late...they ened up putting up some of the lights and really I just think z man needs alot of one on one attention from the dad man.
I boy still isnt talking and he is now 19 months blahhhh its kinda fustrating but at least he staying a baby a little longer...cutesee
and A well shes A a good girl with a big mouth and that sall I have to say on that..BIG MOUTH that she she told my mom I was going back into the hospital cause M keeps saying it...its so fustrating..blahhh
thats it folks
love ya, Z