Saturday, December 6, 2008

In Deep

okay I admitt it AN got me and I am scared

I cant eat even if I wanted too, I m to afraid and to fat, what triggered this recent laspe, well lets see S thinks it was when they gave me permission to exercise, it triggered me into severe restricting very quickly , they took away the privilge as quick as they could but admittly I am lost in the AN world. I am not underwieght so I dont see it as a problem except for the fact that I have a bad heart and I dont want to die but if I do I want to do it thin...arggggg...Iam so fucked up, S was pleased that al least I realized I was being irrational...I did as she said last night but 650 cal for a day is not much and my brain is screaming at me that it was a binge, I know in reality that it wasnt but I feel so gross...

Ed is telling me only 400 today and I am really looking at complete restriction, already I am not sleeoping good and I havent stopped moving all day I have been clean obessivily..oh boy I am in deep!

In other news there is something wrong with my middle child he is so angry and I dont know why, he had a play date yesterday and that went well except they had pizza and I just started at the food not one bite passed my lips..( good for me Ed says)..but anyway I dont know what is wrong with the Z man...last night he flipped out I mean rolling around screaming kicking thrashing, screaming I hate you, all cause he thought him and his dad might not put up the x-mas light cause M had to work late...they ened up putting up some of the lights and really I just think z man needs alot of one on one attention from the dad man.

I boy still isnt talking and he is now 19 months blahhhh its kinda fustrating but at least he staying a baby a little longer...cutesee

and A well shes A a good girl with a big mouth and that sall I have to say on that..BIG MOUTH that she she told my mom I was going back into the hospital cause M keeps saying it...its so fustrating..blahhh

thats it folks

love ya, Z


zubeldia said...

oh hon, what a horrible situation. But look, babe, you have to see how your kids' behavior is affected by you and M. You know, your little girl shouldn't have to be thinking about whether she tells her Gran about your hospital status... I mean, sweetie, maybe she is screaming out for some help here. I know you won't want to hear this, and I know it will sting, but Z, this breaks your family apart.

You have a choice. There isn't a voice outside of you telling you not to eat... this is your brain, your thoughts. They are old tapes and you have the power and ability to choose to eat.

What are you going to do, buddy?

firefly said...

Hey Tara,
It does sound like you and m are not in control anymore. I wish I could come in with the kids and take care of them.You need to get some more help. What about iop before it gets any worse?God I know how easy and tempting it is to get pulled into A but its not worth it. There are so many issues going on behind the A but you can't focus on those until you aren't using behaviors. Thanks for listening tonight! Talk to you tomorrow afternoon. Maybe three or four here. Love ya, Sarah

Zena said...

I dont know what to food today...none except chicken broth...arggg...this sucks


Zena said...

well I had to fat free hot dogs around 4 and now I feel like shit, I ahve got to get this AN under control but evry day that passes I seem to become more entrenched. I spoke to S we emailed back and forth a couple of time and she explained that living in this choas will only get worse that my fears will only become greater and I will soon need outside help...Im scared folks this relaspe has come up so fast, Im already losing wieght, which in itself isnt a bad thing cause Im fat but its happening pretty fast and Im scared at how quickly my heart could fail, I need to take some healthy step but I dont know whatI just dont know what to do...sigh....


DaftDragon said...

Hey Z,
I am so sorry to hear this. I agree with Zu, the kids could definitely be reaching out to you. As for some healthy step, I don't think I have anyhing to offer you haven't heard. One thing that helps me, even though it is just minor, is a walk outside, and a hot shower followed by putting myself together so I can like how I look. If nothing else it calms you down a little.
You can take control. You can be the master of your own mind. You can have the life you and your family deserve.
So do what it takes. Therapy? Dietician? Self-Help books? Medication?
Sending love, update soon.


belinda said...

darling girl,
you need to nourish yourself and those minimal numbers you mentioned are going to leave you feeling agitated and unfulfilled.

this IS all very serious. and i hope you can take your life and health seriously honey. this is your heart we are talking about - so much more important than cals, weight & shape.

what are you going to do?

love you!

Palmtreechick said...

Z, it really sounds like you need to go back IP. Do you really want to go through all of this pain everyday? It's not worth it and it can kill you.

Zena said...

Did you close up your blog??

Thanks for your comment, but I m not allowed to exercise even walking, but that sounds like a good idea.

love, Z

firefly said...

Zena: Things sound like you are in a very scary place. Please try to stop this relaspe. I know its hard but you can do it!!!!

belinda said...

breathe honey breathe
have you tried some meditation?
i know it is hard, especially when you feel like you are climbing the walls.
i'm here
keep fighting with me darling


Leon Basin said...

Stay focused.

Palmtreechick said...

Yes, you don't have access? Big disasters over at Just Babbling. Shoot me an email.

Palmtreechick said...

Not closed, just private.

Zena said...

I am scared all the time this sucks I am feeling dizzy and scared not a good combo. Had a good session with S yesterday and I did manage to eat some eggs for dinner, she wants me to be nicer to my emotional side since I am always beating the crap out of myself...its sad really that I hate myself so much I just wish I could love me for me.

my mom is back from florida and again she is on the food police role, I hate it but shit I guess I need it...Im so sad.

Love, Z

firefly said...

Zena: Stop beating yourself up. You can do this girl. I have faith in you!Call me anytime. Is it possible to look at your mom as support more then food police?

kb said...


I know that I've been not at all around, but I wanted to see what's up with you and I'm so very sorry that you are struggling.
I know that I don't *know* you, not like others here do and not like people in real time, but I can relate to the suffering and all that you are going through. At the same time, you have to make a decision. Even if the decision is that you can't take it anymore.

- Kristina

Zena said...

thanks for stopping by...its means allot that I have your support and encouragement. I have tryed to make a new plan with my N today to add one food from her list per day til i reach a certain level but right now i m not so sure I can do ...I am going to have some chicken broth right now...hopefully there are some nutrients in chicken broth....ugh this is so hard.

SArah, I will call you later how are you doing??

love, Z