So I saw K today, and she upped my carbs yet again even though I am not doing what she said to begin with but we shall see...I did have teh kashie bar she pleaded with to eat and two eggs so that mean I need two more carbs and three more protiens til tomorrow when it will be 4 carbs and 5 protiens and so on and so ...I think I can do this folks I ate my Eggs and went to the grocery store ( had to leave to prevent a purge) well three kids in a grocery store is anything but fun ..although we did get the driving cart so Isaiah got to drive around the store and he liked that although I worry about the germs and well other eeewwwyyy stuff...
So I bought my yogurts and more Kashie bars and a frozen dinner which I am going to have tonight so that way I will get in the 2 carbs and the protien...I am scared though folks very scared.
K and I talked about how her plan will atill have me losing wieght and its not the safest but its better then not eating and or purging so I should feel safe with it I mean sfter all she know s her stuff, she s even recovered from AN herself so she is good to me and kInd and very understanding...she told me to pretend I was death and that I cant hear the AN voice screaming in my head...I laughed and said can I pretend I cant hear my kids too...yes she said if it will make you eat then fine turn in your deaf ears after you finish the Kashie bar.
God I want so much to be well and through with disorder I bloody have had it with all the appointments and hospitals and copayments, so why do I still hold on why cant I just pull my self up by my boot straps and do it...
I lost more wieght
my clothes are falling off and I am not even under wieght its just I have lost it so fast...part of me really enjoys losing and the other part knows its just demented...I need to listen to the part that says I am demented
so thats it folks I have an Ed and I am demented want to play with me now??...
thats another thing I am suppossed to be doing taking care of my emotional self how do I do that....I read on Bries blog to try affirmations
so here I go:
1)_I dont completely suck as a mom, although I think I do Ibut I have been told otherwise cause I have great kids
2)_I am a kind sister /daughter/grandaughter/aunt
3)_I am a women of faith
4_I am not the ugliest girl on the planet...people say I have nice eyes and smile..at they did til my teeth started to break
5_ I am pretty efficient in running a household even with an ED
okay that s enough enough I dont want my head to swell...lol...
Geeze they are all about I am not that sucky
well I am here to tell you I feel pretty sucky right now but at least I am trying