Wednesday, December 17, 2008


So I saw K today, and she upped my carbs yet again even though I am not doing what she said to begin with but we shall see...I did have teh kashie bar she pleaded with to eat and two eggs so that mean I need two more carbs and three more protiens til tomorrow when it will be 4 carbs and 5 protiens and so on and so ...I think I can do this folks I ate my Eggs and went to the grocery store ( had to leave to prevent a purge) well three kids in a grocery store is anything but fun ..although we did get the driving cart so Isaiah got to drive around the store and he liked that although I worry about the germs and well other eeewwwyyy stuff...

So I bought my yogurts and more Kashie bars and a frozen dinner which I am going to have tonight so that way I will get in the 2 carbs and the protien...I am scared though folks very scared.

K and I talked about how her plan will atill have me losing wieght and its not the safest but its better then not eating and or purging so I should feel safe with it I mean sfter all she know s her stuff, she s even recovered from AN herself so she is good to me and kInd and very understanding...she told me to pretend I was death and that I cant hear the AN voice screaming in my head...I laughed and said can I pretend I cant hear my kids too...yes she said if it will make you eat then fine turn in your deaf ears after you finish the Kashie bar.

God I want so much to be well and through with disorder I bloody have had it with all the appointments and hospitals and copayments, so why do I still hold on why cant I just pull my self up by my boot straps and do it...


I lost more wieght

my clothes are falling off and I am not even under wieght its just I have lost it so fast...part of me really enjoys losing and the other part knows its just demented...I need to listen to the part that says I am demented

so thats it folks I have an Ed and I am demented want to play with me now??...

thats another thing I am suppossed to be doing taking care of my emotional self how do I do that....I read on Bries blog to try affirmations

so here I go:

1)_I dont completely suck as a mom, although I think I do Ibut I have been told otherwise cause I have great kids

2)_I am a kind sister /daughter/grandaughter/aunt

3)_I am a women of faith

4_I am not the ugliest girl on the planet...people say I have nice eyes and they did til my teeth started to break

5_ I am pretty efficient in running a household even with an ED

okay that s enough enough I dont want my head to

Geeze they are all about I am not that sucky

well I am here to tell you I feel pretty sucky right now but at least I am trying

Love, Z


firefly said...

Z: I'm glad you are trying! Yes its going to be hard. I got weighed at the hospital and it's such a trigger. You can do this but I'm suprised that K would let you lose weight because as you do that anna pushes you further down. Talk about your apt with M.
You are good Z not matter what people say. Your list was just a beginning. Doesn't it put a smile on your face? Take some time for you.

DaftDragon said...

i am glad to see something positive here! affirmations actually did a hug amount for me- after a while you start to believe them. this is some tough stuff and you are working hard to fight the ed demon- i have full faith you can get through this and i am so proud of you for trying so hard!

Palmtreechick said...

Keep on trying, Z. You can do it. I know it will be hard but keep trying and call on your peeps when you need help!!

Zena said...

okay folks I had my prescribed 2 of really trying ...yogurt and and english muffin...1 protien 2 carbs okay I can do this, i am going to go clean so i dont purge...I am starting to freak out...ack....

Love, Z

Sarah said...

You can do this! You ARE doing it. You can do it.


Zena said...

Thanks guys I need all the encourage ment I can get I feel like my world is closing in ( of course its just the Ed voice screaming at me...but I cleaned a bit, gave the boys a bath and am doing some laundry ( all distractions and they seem to be working) yeah!!!!

I love you guys

Love, Z

Palmtreechick said...

Good job, Z!

Zena said...

okay folks its one pm and I just had lunch 2 protien and 2 starches...I feel full and gross and want to purge I think I will take a nice long hot shower...another distraction...I guess whatever works right???

love, Z

Zena said...

thanks PTC...It means the world to me that I have people out there rooting me on!!!

Love, Z

Zena said...

Just found out my step son is coming over for dinner they are ordering chinese food and he is bringing his girlfriend who I have never i have to look like a freak in front of someone I dont know...great..I dont eat chinese food...I have to go get my frozen dinner...this really fucking sucks!!!!!!!!!! said screaming and throwing a tantrum...good thing S just emailed me a really uplifting email about how great it is that I am taking care of my self and to go tell ED to screw off...I love her!!!

Love, Z