what does that exactly mean ...well I do things to actively self destruct I suppose..like sticking a tooth brush so far down my throught I could rupture my esophugus ( I dont know how to spell that) I told K about everything that had transpired since I had seen her last the 4 days of active restriction but without purge and the 2 days of B/P and feeling as if I might die...she shuddered and shrank away in her chair and I felt a little scared..."I wish you be as scared for you as I am for you"
But I cant I just dont think its that bad I mean I am eating some on the good days and I am well you know on the bad days and I just think If I could get the purging under control then I would be all set...I just wrote sex by accident lol... anyway I see S in a little while then I wont see her for a week which could be very bad...its scary when I dont see her 2 times a week. Like the week of the ice storm I only saw her once and my behavior was out of control...self destruction as her and K would say...
why do I do this to myself all in the pursuit of thinness..well I have been very this before...very low in wieght but I was still unhappy and determined to go lower of course I thought that would make me happy but really I was just a complete miserable mess but you know what I am allot fatter now and still a mess so what gives huh??
what would make me happy??
Well I think if my daughter would stop binge eating that might make me a little happier, cause geez she is eating non stop and its really starting to gross me out...M says I need to put a stop to it get her on a schedule but I dont know how I mean I cant even do it for myself how do I do it for a five yr old
well all I am starting to feel a little christmas like..I have a million things to wrap...Havent started anything yet...and I have some baking to do ...
I am freaking over all the holiday parties I have to attend in the next 2 days ..but I just wont eat..oh well
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!