Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The act of self destruction

what does that exactly mean ...well I do things to actively self destruct I suppose..like sticking a tooth brush so far down my throught I could rupture my esophugus ( I dont know how to spell that) I told K about everything that had transpired since I had seen her last the 4 days of active restriction but without purge and the 2 days of B/P and feeling as if I might die...she shuddered and shrank away in her chair and I felt a little scared..."I wish you be as scared for you as I am for you"

But I cant I just dont think its that bad I mean I am eating some on the good days and I am well you know on the bad days and I just think If I could get the purging under control then I would be all set...I just wrote sex by accident lol... anyway I see S in a little while then I wont see her for a week which could be very bad...its scary when I dont see her 2 times a week. Like the week of the ice storm I only saw her once and my behavior was out of control...self destruction as her and K would say...

why do I do this to myself all in the pursuit of thinness..well I have been very this before...very low in wieght but I was still unhappy and determined to go lower of course I thought that would make me happy but really I was just a complete miserable mess but you know what I am allot fatter now and still a mess so what gives huh??

what would make me happy??

Well I think if my daughter would stop binge eating that might make me a little happier, cause geez she is eating non stop and its really starting to gross me out...M says I need to put a stop to it get her on a schedule but I dont know how I mean I cant even do it for myself how do I do it for a five yr old

well all I am starting to feel a little christmas like..I have a million things to wrap...Havent started anything yet...and I have some baking to do ...

I am freaking over all the holiday parties I have to attend in the next 2 days ..but I just wont eat..oh well


Love, Z


Zena said...

Remuda just called I guess it was my six month check in...they are such good people, she said the amount of wieght I lost so fast is bad for my heart, great! I guess she made me think about how real the hospital is...I dont want to go back there...I am done with hospitals..Im doing this...really folks I am.

Love, Z

Palmtreechick said...

Wow, they called you. How did they know about the weightloss, did you tell them??

I wish you were as scared for yourself as K is for you too. It's very dangerous!!

Zena said...

I told them , they asked so I was honest, I hate lying, they said 15 pounds is to much tose since thanksgiving, but I told them I amstill not underwieght by any means so not to worry...yeah I wish i was as worried for myself as K was but I just cant seem to think anything bad will ever happen to me...but that said I know I need to get my ass in gear cause the hospital wont be far away if I dont....ass kicking needed...

love, Z

Zena said...

I have been cleaning for 4 hours and I am finally almost done, I threw away 5 bags of old toys from the kids to make room for the new an djust to get in some more order they were all okay with it cause it ment that there rooms were clean, Yeah for clean rooms...I still have to bake, ugh, I am exhausted already, then to the christmas eve festivities at my SIL house...I have a plan though so no purging...just a small amount to stay off the radar.

Love, Z

Palmtreechick said...

I'm glad you were honest with them. That's good. I'm glad they're on top of things too. 15 lbs is way too much weight to lose since Thanksgiving.

firefly said...

Z:Merry Christmas. Did Remuda suggest going back? You need something. Don't you want to be done with this ed? I know how overwhelming the food can be at parties. I'm especially feeling it today. You know no weight is good enough for A.

Maybe you are overthinking the thing with A because you are sensitive to the issue. Children go through different stages with food. Take her to the doc and if concerned discuss with her dr. What happened to therapy for her and Z? Maybe she is trying to make up for what her mom is not doing. I'd start with the dr though. Hang in there.

DaftDragon said...

hey z-
this is scary. like we're in permanent damage to possible death territory here. you said yourself being thin doesn't make you happy. it doesn't make me happy either... being happy requires being in touch with yourself and those around you. extreme dieting isolates you.
i'm glad you didn't lie. but please realize this is effecting others. do you think maybe your daughter's eating habits might be a reflection of yours? please do what you have to do, please love yorself. you know we do.

Zena said...

I almost cried when I read what you wrote...Yes My daughters eating I think is related to mine, My T says she is trying to feed me through herself, scary stuff...I binged yesterday, well it feels like a binge M said I ate normally but I feel like I need to restrict for days to make up for it, I see my ED specialist on the 15th of january, I ll admitt i am scared, I hate that I am damaging my body so much ...I just dont seem to be able to love myslef enough to stop.

I hope you xmas went as well as it could with all thats going on...I miss you sweet heart I miss the sarah that had some life in her...please keep fighting

Love, Z

fia said...

I think it's really important that you refocus your worries about Alyssa. The problem is not that she's binge eating and it's "disgusting". The problem is that a five-year-old girl is so worried about her mother, and so unable, as a child, to understand or express that worry (and anger? and fear? and sadness?) that she deals with it by binge eating. If you reframe it that way, your task is not to "put a stop" to Alyssa's bingeing, but to get her the emotional support she needs so that she doesn't NEED to binge eat. And part of that is going to be changing your own behavior. I think it is vitally important that you NEVER approach her eating in a way that says to her (implicitly or explicitly) that what she is doing is wrong or gross.

I'm so sorry that you're in so deep, Tara. It's really scary and sad to see, and I wish there was something I could do or SOMEONE could do that would help you move forward.


Zena said...

I KNOW that Alyssa is reacting to me and whats so sad is that it does make me feel gross..It doesnt help that my H is always saying things that we cant let her get fat...I just emailed my T that I wasnt going to eat cause I consumed so much yesterday but I know that is wrong...I know it and yet I feel so stuck in this disorder...i hate it, Ihate it with every fiber of my being...I need to NOT give A any messages that what she is doing is wrong...but should I try and stop her or should I just let her eat herself sick??

I am at a loss...

for us both...

Love, Z

fia said...

Z (sorry I used your real name before, and A's - I wasn't thinking and won't do it again!!),
I'm not a parent, as you know, but I am a caregiver for young children and have worked with troubled kids. Here's what I would suggest; take it as you will:

Don't talk to A about her eating, and don't restrict her eating unless she seems like she's feeling PHYSICALLY ill... then maybe gently suggest to her that eating more might hurt her tummy... but don't make a huge deal of it at this point... that's something a good therapist can help you figure out how to approach.

Make a point of telling her (but NOT at the same time as you're discussing her eating, and not when she or you are upset!!!!) that there are lots of things she can do if she is feeling sad or angry. Make a game of it: "Hey A, what can you do when you're sad?" (and then suggest answers and see what she thinks up, too - ask mommy or daddy for a hug, sing a song, cuddle with a stuffed animal, etc). "Ok, what about if you're angry?" (punch a pillow, go outside and run around or scream, scribble really hard with crayons, talk to mom or dad about it and ask for help, etc.). Don't make a huge deal about it, don't make it a chore and stop when she's not having fun, but actually TALK to her about how she can safely handle her feelings. Another good game is the "what makes you ___" (sad, mad, happy, scared, excited, jealous...) game. Play it with her, and give examples of what makes you have certain feelings, but keep it at her level (ie mom feels sad when it's raining and we can't go to the park... and nothing that would make her feel responsible for your feelings).

If there's a time that she seems sad or angry or scared or (etc.) and she's not turning to food over it, TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. Tell her "you look ___" and ask if she wants a hug or some alone time or to talk about it, and praise her when she is able to use words or appropriate actions to express herself (ie "it is so good when you are able to tell me how you're feeling" or what have you).

And then, Z, GET HER INTO THERAPY. Do it now. Do it this WEEK, for god's sake. And when M says things like "we can't let her get fat", remind him (AND YOURSELF) that what you REALLY can't do is let her continue to hurt herself. You can't let her continue to feel scared and alone and like she has to handle her feelings by herself and with food. Her weight is not the issue right now, and it's hurting her and you both to have that become the focus.

I hope this is helpful. Please email me (you can get my email from Zubeldia, if you want) if you'd like to talk more about how you can help A - I can direct you to more resources that could be useful, etc.

It is obvious you love your children, Z, and I hope so much that you will take the steps necessary to help them and help yourself.


fia said...

oh, one more thing, Z -
I said in my last post that you might suggest to A that eating more could hurt her tummy/make her feel sick - I would emphasize that if you are having feelings about her eating outside of that (ie this is gross, she's going to get fat, we have to stop), you refrain from saying anything to her about it. She will pick up on it at some point, and until you have a therapist's help w/ A, I would just do your best not to risk that.

DaftDragon said...

z- I am so sorry, I thought right after I wrote that that I really shouldn't have said it. this is supposed to be a place for you to share and get love and support back, and i breached that. i sincerely apologize.

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