Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Starving

thats right folks I am so freaking hungry and I cant bring myself to eat anything, the whole thing really suck s because if I dont get my act together I will be in the hospital by mid january, how do I know that well I have a bad heart and I see the Ed specialist Jan 15th and if my EKG comes back screwy back to the hospital I go...I cant find the will within myself to stop this from happening..what is wrong with me..??

Oh yeah I have an Ed..duh..

Saw my Phyc...today she is so nice and kind and understanding ( she used to work with Ed patients in a hospital) ( the one I always go to)..blahhh

So your not eating Ehhh?/

Nope

do we need to put you in the hospital??

Nope

are you sure

yep


well then what can we do to ensure that you eat??

full frontal lobotomy..lol..

we dont do that anymore and that would put you in the hospital anyway...

great

So what was the answer we came up with I know you are all dying to know...well I go back in two weeks and well see...to focus on 4 small meals a day...yeah righty I can barely eat my fucking 2 eggs a day...
plus Iam a fat pig..no hospital for me no surree

but shit i am starving myself Iam for sure a dumb ass

love, Z

10 comments:

Zena said...

hello...this sucks to be all alone

Palmtreechick said...

oh man, you need to go to the H. (said in a caring way)

Zena said...

there is no way I am going into the H. My family needs me to much I have to pull it together. My daughter cant go through that again. Its just so hard I feel so alone.

Love, Z

zubeldia said...

honey, they honestly don't need you like this. I know that hurts to hear, but you know - when you're in a healthier place - that this is not good for anyone. If you are serious about being there for your kids (which I know you want to be), then you need to do something about this ed. I know it's not easy, but you have done it before. You can do it again. You have some choices to make, chica. You have to ask why you feel so alone, buddy... when you numb out through the ed you numb out not just the bad stuff but also the good stuff - including connections.

I don't know how to help you, zena, I don't know that expressing these very ed thoughts are helping you because you don't seem to be in the spot to want to challenge any of this.

Your heart is giving out, baby. You're not going to be there for anyone, let alone your kids, soon.

What's it going to take to change? Do you want the hospital? It won't be a choice for you soon, honey.

Zena said...

Oh zuby,
I could just cry right now, I challanged the Ed (AN) voice last night and made a small dinner...I ate it and diddnt purge, what scares me is that the voice is back with a vengence today, telling me how fat and gross iam and how I oculd go over my "allowed" cals for the day, its just terriable I see S tomorrow and I believe I have til mid january to pull my stuff together or I will be forced into the hospital., I dont want that so I really need to try and push through the voices today...i talked to S last night and she really was quite scared at quickly AN took over...she said I am living in choas of the Ed and soon it will kill me, she was very blunt, I see her tomorrow so hopefully we can figure out whats really bothering me.

Love, Z

DontPukeInMyWellies said...

mid january isn't very long away at all

Virtual hugs

and the doc's are only doing what they feel is best for you. At least in the Hosp. your kids will know you're in the safest place possible.

<3 V

firefly said...

What about going to that support group your dr runs? Calling supportive people. Eating meals at apts? I know how vicious this cycle is and at holidays. What are your other concerns? Bills/christmas presents, mike and you. Those are the bigger issues. It's not the food.I tried calling you today. What did you do for your birthday? Did you get the card?

firefly said...

Hey Zena: What's up? I'm worried.I love you. You are so worth it! If I get my car I have to drive right through Troy.

DaftDragon said...

Hi, way late on this post but worried that you haven't written more recently. Of course I understand that you don't want to be in the H, and I know you will do everything in your power to avoid it, but I also just want to remind you that if it does happen, there is a chance it will be great for you (and consequently you family) in the long run.

I am so sorry you have to be down in the depths like this right now, I completely understand (and despise) that feeling on loneliness and disconnection.

Sending love, good karma, hugs, understanding, acceptance... all that jazz. Fo real.

XkImX

Zena said...

okay guys sorry to be mia...but I have been mulling over what was said to me in T yesterday..."my window of oppertunity is quickly closing" meaning my ability to do this on my own is slowly dissapating...I am barely eating and I feel entrenched in the Ed, I have til january 15th to get my act trogether I know you have hear this one before, but S said I may not make it that long...fuck guys how to pull out out when you are in so deep.

Sarah,

I would love to see you...well!

Love, Z