Monday, December 1, 2008

Anxiety is a bitch

ugh i am so anxious I could scream, i am on my way to see K so she can reinforce the no exercise policy!!! BLAHHHHHHH.....I havent exercised since friday, of course I have barely eaten as well, oh well the anxiety is super way up there and I am feeling like crawling out of my big ol skin.

I know I am so anxious cause Im not eating yet the anxiety around teh food is to much hell its a vicious cycle and it sucks the big nub...really big time, I am trying to be positive but what is K going to do for me..Im not eating so what can she say...well please eat...yeah right...this all sucks and I am so fustrated with myself...I need to get back on Recovery Row and I am at a loss as to how to overcome the anxiety...

okay I will eat dinner

but thats it only cause M will be home...eek I cant handle this ED...

M got drunk all weekend and went off on how I suck as a parent and I just want to be the kiddos friend ( not true by the way) I dont care if they like me they just dont listen to me and things like sleeping in each others room doesnt seem like a big deal to me...

Now I admitt I still drink but I dont badger teh hell out of him when I do...I just want to be left alone , why cant he just accept me for me and support me with this Ed Recovery instead of telling me how selfish Iam for having it ( the ED) Friday he wanted a divorce...today he loves me, all that adds to my crazy anxiety..I dont know which end is up half the time..would you??

We have an apt. to see S on the 16th maybe that will help

ugh...I can hardly breath

I need my clonipin..probally should get it refilled

oh and I dont have a license cause I let it expire, got to take care of that today so all of it, the food, the man and teh license well I justcant take much more..someone help me

Zena

11 comments:

Palmtreechick said...

Sounds like M has a lot of his own problems, which sure as hell isn't helping you with yours at all. good luck!

DontPukeInMyWellies said...

All I ca offe ryou is a virtual hug, kinda sucky but kinda nice.

EFT technique, although it makes you feel like a total freakin nutter, helps to release anxiety for the moment. I think it's more to do with the distraction and relaxation of the repetitive tapping than freeig emotional whatevers but yeah, maybe.

Hope you feel better soon

<3 V

Zena said...

3 pm

eggs and a roll

I feel gross

I hate food I need my clonipin

gross gross gross

Z

Zena said...

Virgina,
I did EFT when I was in tx, it does work thanks for reminding me...

PTC,
yeah when M drinks hes is a dink...but whenhes sober hes good...depends on the day you know...

Z

firefly said...

Zena: Wow you need to deal with the M issue in therapy instead of numbing out with the food. You could have eaten with K. You don't want the hospital to be an option. Hang in there. Live for your kids if you can't do it for yourself. I'll call you. Love you so much!

Palmtreechick said...

A Dink!! Ha!!

You need food, my dear!

Zena said...

yes a dink, I guess it is kinda funny..he was good last night , he even put the kids to bed for me..so I got to go bed early, although I kept having wierd dreams and i woke up at 5 I was going to get up but I just layed there and figured resting was better then sitting on the computer...

Sarah, I will wait for the call

I see S is a hour..freaking out I am , I dont want to spend another session sobbing into her pillows...ugh

Z

DaftDragon said...

god, i feel you on the mand rinking problems. mine doesn't get nasty, but it's constant and a def source of anxiety. as eating and not eating can be. i hope you got some of this resolved with K- stress can be so toxic, i hope you feel better!

Palmtreechick said...

I might have to use the word "dink." Hope things went well with S.

Zena said...

she made me make an apt. with the Ed specialist..yikes..its not til january 15th so i have some time to get my act together...and so does M.

Dink is a funny word i guess..i use it cause i dont want to say jackass in front of my kiddies..lol..

love, Z

firefly said...

Zena: I'm glad you are seeing dr a. D oesn't she have a group you were going to. Tomorrow is treatment team so decision day. Marni is going to call and get me new therapist. The one I want is Marni but she only takes two patients. Hopefully they pull me into treatment team. My dr doesn't think I'm ready but if things don't get better by the 22 I'm going home for good.Looking at other programs. Hang in there tight. Christmas crazzyness is here. Have you started shoppinng? My dad used to take us christmas shopping for mom and she would get all day to shop for self