Wednesday, November 26, 2008

You Cant

So I saw S last night and taht sucked I sobbed my way through the whole session, on how much this Ed steal s from me, it takes everything I enjoy everything that I live for it takes my life and I just sobbed and sobbed and she was glad I was getting it out. I compared the Ed to a snake that slithers around me til its grip is so tight I cant break free...good comparison she said...what will help you break free...I dont know I sobbed, but please dont take this away from me its all i have to keep sane. Sorry she said you cant!!!

YOU CANT. It stung my ears like a piercing cold, what cant I do you ask well I cant exercise...its not fair and it make me so sad and I cant really stop crying about it...but I am to compulsive, the walking turned to running rather quickly ( runnings not allowed cause of me heart) and she said my compulsivity returned with a vengence..

SO my 2 week trial of exercise is over and its not fair I tell you, its just not fair.

honestly I dont know what she will do if I ignore her request and do it anyway..will she fire me, is that a risk I am willing to take? I dont know I will have to think about...It kinda sickens me at the thought of not having S anymore, so I will most likely abide by her rules but it SUCKS I TELL YOU...IT SUCKS the BIG one.

My face is still swollen from all the teras I shed last night...she let me go out the back door as I was to embarressed to go ut the front.

Im really glad you came in she said...yeah me too I said, you dont have to say that she said...okay then, I said I wish i hadnt.

she laughed and said it would be okay, we would work it out and I wasnt alone in this, I just need to trust her...we wished each other Happy thanksgiving and I left, only to sit in my car and cry...ad I went to the gym any way..

In other news A is sick with a bad cold, coughing her little lungs out..and whinnnning oh so much, if I here the word MOMMY one more time I just may change my name ... maybe to asshole or something, something I would forbid her to say so she could nt call me 24-7...oh well she s sick and such is the life of a mom with a sick kido.

I have much to do today folks...I have yet to go food shopping for the wonderful feast ( I hate the word feast) we shall me having tomorrow, I have a TON of cooking to do and I am not eating or fasting again today..playing with the food should be fun times back to ols AN times of making it but not partaking in it...tomorrow I will have some soup and turkey and thats it...maybe M will let me go for a walk...maybe...

WELL Happy THANKSGIVING Friends....dont choke on your turkey legs...pull the wish bone and may all your wishes come true>

Love, Z

15 comments:

firefly said...

Zena: I wish you were here to give you many hugs. You just can't run back to anorexia. It sucks. I too am stuck in a loop. Ate with parents tonight(stayed at treatment center ate my dinner)ugh tomorrow we will bring in Chinese food. Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday ! I'll call in the morning before I go out on pass.

DaftDragon said...

God I have so been there- the consuming desperation. I am so sorry you are going through this, it is seriously awful. I agree- you can't be just looping through the EDs, you'll lose everything. I know it sounds impossible and hoorid, but learning to eat like a 'normal' person again is seriously the only way out.
Good luck tomorrow, I hope you figure out what's eating YOU hon!

Sending good karma
xKimX

firefly said...

Happy Birthday to you Happy birthday dear Tara! I love you too. How did thanksgiving go? Your birthday? Hang in there girl.

Zena said...

thanksgiving was okay so was bie=irthday except I had to eat...cry..cry...cry....i am so fat

Zena said...

I went to the gym anyway ..only 3.5 miles...I am so mad at S..why is she doing this to me???

DaftDragon said...

God, I HATE when I am told not to exercise more than anything in the world. I actually had a specialized exercise councelor, and she gave me a particular plan and refused to alter it no matter what I did- if I overdid it, she'd ask me why and we try and work on it and such and EVENTUALLY i was able to level out and stick with my plan... not exercising never worked for me, it just made me feel down and purge in other ways. but 3.5 miles isn't a bad workout... i mean, def gets some physical activity in. I know it feels like nothing ( I ran 20 miles every day of june and july this year, believe me, i know) but seriously if you eat and exercise normally your body WILL level out. no joke. i know you don't believe me, i didn't either, but I'm living proof.

take care of you and I hope you feel better!

sending love and good karma,
xKimX

Palmtreechick said...

She's doing it because she wants to help you be healthy. I'd be pissed too though.

I'm over a pound under the weight Charro and I "agreed" on. Whoops. I can't tell her because she will fire me.

Palmtreechick said...

Had to go private. email me if u want to read.

thepalmtreechick@yahoo.

firefly said...

Zena: I S was doing it because she could see you getting in a cycle. You need to listen to your team.They know you all to well. I had to give up the gym membership. I'm here for you girl. We both need to be healthy so we can meet.

zubeldia said...

hon, S isn't doing anything to do. She's trying to save your life. What are you going to do? Are you going to keep exercising even though you can't do this without it turning into a behaviour? Even though it's dangerous for you? How do you think you're going to get better if you don't listen to her? DO you think your life is going to get any better if you keep doing this your way?

Tara, honey, I don't know what to say to you right now to offer support. Do you want to get to better? And what are the costs if you don't?

Sweety, you're making some real choices right now. You can choose not to go to the gym, you can choose to eat your mp, and you can choose to listen to S.

Zena said...

I have decieded not to go to the gym, not because i think S is right but because I dont want to lose her, and by lieing to her I am sure to get fired cause she would find out...she always does...about following the MP, I am scared shitless..the anxiety has become tremendous..and I just dont know what to do...I am scared all the time and it seems to be getting worse and worse...I want to be normal, so badly...Im just so scared...

Love, Z

zubeldia said...

I know, hon, BUT you know enough by now to know that behaviours actually end up increasing your anxiety. The behaviours and the thoughts are provoking the anxiety... You can do this. Tara, you're an adult, and I hope that you wouldn't lie to S even if you were in no danger of getting caught. In the end, my friend, if you continue as you are it will be you who ends up dead... No one wants that, chica, least of all your kids. I know you can do this. I know you can speak with another voice, hon.

Zena said...

Zuby,
I know with my heart you are right things have been getting worse and worse the more I restrict...I amcrying right now cause I know what I need to do and I feel paralyzed...on another note how are you feeling love?? been thinking allot about youand the one to be!!!

love, Z

Zena said...

PTC<
I tried to email you but it didnt work..mail was returned...can you send me an invite at mmackey8@nycap.rr.com

so folks I have had lunch eggs and toast and I feel so guilty...I will be having the same for dinner but right now I want to cry...

love, Z

firefly said...

Tara my love. I want to give you all my strength. The less you eat the more your minf won't let you eat. Some vicious cycle to get caught up in.You know where it landed me. You have lots of things resting on the fact that ed can't get worse.I'm glad you decided to eat today although I'm not sure you are following your meal plan. Keep up the strength to do the right thing. Love ya lots1