so like what is the definition of stupidity anyway??..humpth...lets see she is well about my height my weight and has my color eyes...oh wait.shit she s me!!!
Saw DR.A today..things could have gone smoother I might say...she made me contract that I wouldn't take any more laxatives/and or purge, she says I am going to die ( shes the Ed specialist)so I have to go back in 4 weeks instead of the regular 3 months everyone else gets to see her...I'm special!!! yeah for being special and ummm oh yeah STUPID!!!!
Your probably thinking well why oh why is this fairly intelligent who cant spell so STUPID...Ill tell you why...i know I am keeping you on the edge of your seat..I went and bought more after handing them over to K last night and all the drama that ensued in her office ( tell you bout that in a minute)..yep thats right stupid old me went to the grocery store ate a piece of ham and freaked out...and took thee right there in the store WTF, I say WTF@!
back to last night s drama...I walked into Ks office and was like I have to give you my poison..I m killing myself and I feel like shit...my heart was racing, my stomach was cramping, hell I could barely leave the bathroom, but she wouldnt let me leave her office...water and balance bar or hospital...what well Ill drink the water but fuck if I was going to eat the balance bar right in front of her plus my dinner...now thats just a little excessive...but you need potassiun and sodium she pracitlly is in tears by this point and Im feeling really bad for putting her in this position. she wouldnt let me cross my legs and I still refused the balance bar but I drank the water, much to her relief.
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okay I wasnt finished but I am like the dumbass I said I was pressed publish...anyway...I promised K I would go home and drink a 24 oz bottle of gatorade and my dinner and and eat an orange..guess they have potassium..never knew that but hey whatever....so DR A sent me to get my labs done today as per usual,a nd ofcourse did an EKG...which came out okay not great but okay...okay enough to keep me out of the hospital and thats all I care about...Oh and I gained 7 ounces since last time I was there sso yeah on that...I DONT NEED TO GAIN WIEGHT!!! I just need to stop losing or puking or taking pills or whatever..okay you all have had enough of my whine but really I am such a dumbass all i can do now is sit and wait for the pain to start....blahhhh
Love, Z
Z: Sounds like you aren't having the best day either. K was on verge of tears because she knows you are slowly killing yourself. Seven oz is nothing. Could be alot of things like clothes, time of the month, water etc. Nothing like a bit of cbt right? You can do this Tara I have so much faith in you. Stop attacking yourself. You need to be your own cheer leader. Be good to yourself instead of beating yourself up. A challenge for you What is it that you fear most about meeting with your dad?We can do this together!
I don't know what to day, Z. You are slowly killing yourself and it's sad. One could argue that I'm being a bit hypocritical here, but my health is fine, yours is not right now. I wish it was.
So, what do you suppose you're trying to say with all these behaviors?
Steph
Z, K is just worried for you. I am, too. If your levels are wonky, there is definitely a problem. I know the going gets tough and I often find myself in a similar situation to yours.
I have completely and utter faith in you. I do not think you are stupid in the least because you write such eloquent entries.
It sounds like you are feeling really out of control in one sense and you don't want to be. You have a desire to be well. But you want to be well in your way. You don't want to die, right? But yet, eating an orange and drinking gatorade seems so challenging. Of course you don't want to gain weight. You've spent such a long time putting your identity in the scale. But you have to remember your identity is not your weight. Your identity is who you are on the inside. You are a beautiful person. You are loving, encouraging, giving, kind-hearted, and I don't even know you except for here. But I see those qualities. You have a treatment team and a whole group of supportive friends who want to see you get better and move past this and see you quit looking at the scale and look around at the beauty that surrounds you instead. Your inner voices that tell you lies that you are less than worthy... those are LIES! Shut them away, and let everyone help you. Let God help you. Let your doctors help you. Let yourself help you. Life or death isn't a superficial concept, it's serious. It's the end. And your eating disorder has no right to take your life. Each day as you get well, turn off the critical eye. Live the day to the fullest and force yourself to eat little by little while accepting the help- not resisting it. You want it enough that it can and will happen. You've already shown that. So I guess I, and we, will just keep reminding you. :)
aw lady, sounds like things aren't going swimmingly in your neck of the woods. I feel for you. I hate that feeling...walking into a situation where you think everythings fine, but someone you love is so upset and thinks your killing yourself and your just like, huh, i'm fine. It's always tough to find out just how much people care about us. - good luck :)
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