Monday, February 23, 2009

My Husband hates me

No really he does

while I was IP I met a guy and befriended him...we exchanged phone numbers...I told M about it I wasn't trying to hide anything. the numbers were ripped up and I realize that it was the wrong thing to do. well M has been harping on the J thing for like ever...he says I have ruined him. I was drunk the other night and M asked me if I would have slept with J and I said Yes ...why I said that I dont know cause I wouldnt have but its eating him alive and I dont know how to fix it.

I think hes going to leave me

really this time I think he has had enough

between my Ed, my careless spending and now me being an I dont know stupid ass..hes says hes ruined...I have no defense for actions other then I was NOT innmy right frame of mind and I dont know what I was thinking. I do not want to cheat on my husband. I never would. But he thinks that I would and thats all that seems to matter right now. I dont know How to convince him otherwise. I love him and I know I dont show it or say it enough but really I do..so what to I do...He makes and is saing I am nothing but a cheap slut although nothing happened...hes convinced it would have. the thing is I am the one who told him about J I mean if I never said anything he w would have never known...ugh How do I get myself in to these messes??

Is the diseases??

I mean I wont have sex with M ( hence part of the problem) I would nt have sex with anyone I mean geez i feel like I am fat cow I would never let anyone see my body undressed...hello...I have an ED..ugh...this sucks and i dont know what to do or say to make this better for him. he says i am ruining his life. maybe i am. maybe he deserves better. Maybe we would be better apart. I just dont know anymore...what do I do folks how do i make this better?? any thoughts?? or do you all think I am a whore too...you probally do. why am I even posting this??

Z

15 comments:

Sarah said...

oh how awful, babe.

what a dreadful situation. it sounds like you're both really at the end of your rope and in a lot of pain. . . I'm so sorry.

what's going on with his drinking? is he still going to AA? it's going to be very hard for you two to get back on track with alcohol in the middle of you. that's just my opinion, okay, but ask yourself . . . what is it doing for you? what is it doing to you?

Zena said...

drinking leaves US nowhere..hes going to T but not to AA...our relationship is going to dissolve I can just feel it.

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Tara,

It seems he's convinced that you would have slept with this other man because.. well, because you told him you did. I mean, you can't really blame him for thinking that way.. it didn't come out of nowhere, it came from your mouth.

My suggestion would be to think, really think, about why you would say something like that if it isn't true. What were you looking for in his reaction? Were you hoping he'd be fed up? Or were you hoping he'd stand by you regardless? Or were you (subconsciously or consciously) attempting to create chaos?

Steph

Zena said...

Steph,
you gave me allot to think about, but first I didnt say we slept together I said I would have but thats beside the point casue either way I was wrong, the words did come out of my mouth and for that I am sorry...was I trying to create choas...I dont know?? but maybe maybe I was trying to see if he would stick by me, or maybe the latter is true and I was trying to make him leave.

OUr relationship has been rocky for a long time maybe I was just trying to push him away, I dont know...I dont know why I say half the stupid things I say I never do them I just say them that alone gets me in enough trouble

love, Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

I am sorry I misunderstood your post! I definitely thought you had told M that that you had slept with that other guy. My apologies!

Have you discussed the "stupid things you say" with your T? And have the two of you tried couples therapy - outside of a tx center?

Love,
Steph

Zena said...

we are going to try couples therapy...but right now I dont think it will help

PTC said...

I don't think it's over, though you guys do have a LOT to work out, minus the comment that was made in this post.

firefly said...

Hey Tara: Your relationship with M has been in need of repair for a while now. I know the drinking doesn't help things one bit.I think that the quicker you get to therapy the better. The stronger your relationship with M the happier your family will be as a whole.

How are you doing with A being gone? Hang in there! Keep working on recovery! You can do this Tara!

belinda said...

Hey Tara,
Oh boy! I understand honey, you know I do, too well :(

Part of me knows why you said what you did.. maybe because he might have accused you anyway? So you were getting in first? It is illogical, I know, I know but I totally understand. I hate that you are going thru this sort of pain, it is awful.

One thing I will say.. and quite strongly..
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! This is about M's insecurity, his alcoholism, his issues. He knows you wouldn't cheat, BUT these cheap shots at you.. not fair darling, no way! You can be friends with another person regardless of their gender or preference. It is normal and safe. I'm sorry M doesn't see it this way. It makes recovery hard, on days like this.

Hon, I can't tell you what the status is of your relationship, or what it should be, or what you need.. Only you know that. I do worry what this kind of attacking behaviour does for your self esteem though.. because behind all EDs is an issue of esteem.

Sending the biggest safest hugs to you darling. Again, i am so so sorry.

X

Jena (Violet) said...

Hey Zena,

From the Bipolar point of view (as you have mentioned you do have it), it sounds like maybe you just had a short irrational episode of anger or something. I have said things to my hubby that I never meant and wish that I had never said. I couldn't even admit what's happened during these spells. I'm surprised he's still by my side. I even told him that I was going to leave him! I don't know if you've experienced this type of irritability before, but it is common with bipolar disorder. Especially during times of high stress. I'm not saying this is what happened for you, but just something to think about.

zubeldia said...

oh babe, it sounds to me liek you wanted to perhaps hurt M. And saying that you'd sleep with someone else would do that... and, no, I don't think you're a whore! I think you're lonely, I think you feel unheard and unseen by your husband and you're wanting a response.. perhaps something different from him.

let me ask you think, hon. What if you split up. What would it mean for your longterm future?

Love Z

Zena said...

okay girlies

alls quiet on the eastern front things have kinda soomthed over, we are going to work on our marriage and it looks like he might be going into a 30 day rehab..heres to hoping he can do it.

jena,
yeah I think I might have had a manic outburst...I have been or was just a little over the top irriatable, thanks for pointing that out.

to all who never fail to support me, I really though t I was going to get a bunch of you whore replys and I was ready for them, but to know that you support me no matter what well that just means the world..

as far as behaviors go well I could write another post but lets just say...I have used EVERY behavior I know and am feeling a wee bit shit from it..but I did have 4 purge free days so I will just hop on the horse again tomorrow...Im taking my meds and going to bed...probally be up 400 huhndered times cause of all teh pills I took but thats my own stupid fault.

I really dont know why I do the things i do to myself....T minus 12days and counting til dad T apt. oh FUCK!!!!

Z

brie said...

Hey, so sorry all this is going on. It's a lot to deal with on top of everything else you've got going on.

My hubby has a hard time with a certain friendship I have with an old high school friend, too. It's hard because we're of course JUST FRIENDS and will never be anything more, but I love this guy to death and we've known each other for years, so it's hard to let all that go, even though my hubby would prefer I did.

I suggest you let your hubby read this post. He could maybe see the confusion and pain and regret you have for saying what you did...and besides, when you're drunk, you have no control half the time of what comes out of your mouth...part of the problem with getting drunk in the first place!

Zena said...

Thanks Brie for your comment...it means allot especially comeing from someone as joyous as you to be around..lol..I let him read this post and we are working on things and needless to say I wont be drinking anytime soon...its good to know that I am not alone with male friendship things but knowing that my H is so insecure it was really bad judgement on my part.

Love, Z

firefly said...

Z: I'm glad that you are working on things with M. I know you can do this. I would never think of you differentally from the Z that I know. I love you!