Thursday, February 12, 2009

the Act of purging

may trigger

jamming a toothbrush down ones throat, til one bleeds from ones insides is a physically devastating thing. Yesterday I felt liek crap all day, my throat was swollen shut, I could barely talk and I just felt like general crap, so why why do I do it to myself. as I layed on the bathroom floor tuesday night I screamed at my self no more I cant take anymore and then as if it were out of my control...I bent over again to make sure there was only bile left in my poor little tummy..I didnt want to do it, it hurt, I cryed, I begged for it to stop...and as I collassed into a heap on my floor I cryed some more. M came home and said wow you look terriable, you purged didnt you?? yes I said. Why? why do you insist on hurting yourslef?

SO here are my answers to the question of the moment...

REcovery is scary!!!!

Im not sure I can do this...

I deserve to hurt

I am bad

I ate to much food

It numbs me from the real feelings

ahhhhhh so thats it..what are the real feeling???



self loathing

ummmm wellness....

yes wellness, I know an on odd feeling to try to escape from but when its so different from everything you have ever known its a very scary feeling, I mean what if I am able to accomplish wellness...what if I am able to recover..oh freak..what would that mean???

well it would mean resbonsibility, growing up, living a true life, being a good mom, a good wife, not being dependent on S and K. depending on me, finding my true passions..whatever the heck they may be.

The act of purging is a vile self depricating thing to do to ones self and i dont want it in nmy life any more...

so here are the steps I plan to follow to ensure I dont injure myself anymore

follow MP

imply the 15 min delay method

journal if the urge comes not later but immediatly

make it a non option

no binging

no restricting

no over eating for anxiety reasons

call K if i cant manageto talk myself out of it

reach out to M if I am scared

okay so thats the plan, i need to rid my life of teh purging, its holding me back from living.

TODAY is my LAST day at php I will use it to my benifit and talk out my issues

Iam done with teh physical and emotional repercussion purging ensues on my life..I will need all the back up I can get are you guys up for it...???

Love, Z


belinda said...

i love your resolve and plan of action Zena.

i understand the loathing and the punishment, especially right now.

i'm here, struggling but fighting with you.

i love you... so very much

PTC said...

Those are some good plans, Z. Stick to them. I know you can do it. Mistakes happen, you just have to get over them and move on. You don't deserve to hurt.

Sarah said...

It's a very good plan of action sweetheart. And I fully support you in it. Sometimes we have to really get an unflinching, horrifying look at where we're headed in order to turn it around.

I'm proud of you.


Jena (Violet) said...

You are fighting. I'm so proud of you.

Telstaar said...

I'm in.

firefly said...

Hey Z: O.k. it's good that you have a plan of action but I think that you should do more of a treatment contract with S and K. I know how much you need them and you should sit down with them and explain it to them and all work toward agreement. Your ed may not want to give your treatment team that much power but you need to give it over.
I hope you were honest with your partial team about the purging. Days are going to be hard. Keep working hard!