personally i would like to know how...i mean really when ones husbands hangs himself in your house how does life really go on...okay i mean it goes on for other people...there lives arent marred by the pain and grief of such a devastating loss. My life...my life is forever scarred!
I was walking into target saturday ( my fav store) and as i was getting out of my car i hear this like 17 yr old girl bitching and crying over her prom dress, she changed her mind, it didnt look ads good as she thought it did and she freaking stared crying...it took every ounce of restraint for me not to run up to her a slap her as hard as i could and scream "what the fuck are you crying for? its a dress...your life will go on...my husband hung himself...his life is over...Done...snuffed out...you what a reason to cry, here Ill give you one!" of course i didnt..thankgod or id probally be sitting in jail right now instead of writting...but still why doesnt the world see the bigger picture...life is so fragile...and the stupid child was crying over a dress. I know i sound bitter..its cause i am.
Then there was the poor man at mobile...oh the poor man...he id's me for fun, cause even if you couldnt tell by my shit ass pictures in real life i dont look thirty...some guess 18 (when Im not with my kids) some 23 but never much higher...anyway, i walked in saturday night to get my cancer sticks...and he smiled, looked at me and said "oh you look so tired, ...long day at work?" I looked at dead on and said "NO my husband just died!"...he was definately taken aback and kinda stuttered, i turned to walk away and just said "not the answer you were expecting huh?" I guess saturday was NOT one of my more composed days. I still feel bad for the mobile man...maybe I should apoligize..or maybe he shouldnt comment on the fact that I looked like shit!
I guess I need to learn to bite my tongue which has never been a problem before usually my problem was that I never said what I was thinking or feeling...hmmmm funny how life works.
You Mike you didnt have to do this to make me open my mouth i would have learned one way or another!
Anyway I suppose I should update on the E.D front...hmmmm...so yeah not so good...saw K yesterday, and I guess when you have an E.D grief is not an acceptable reason to lose wieght...at least not to the extent to which i did...she wouldnt tell me how much cause she said she was not engageing in conversation with my eating disorder but...she had to keep moving the dial thingy over like 5 times so im thinking it was close to double digits...yes my E.D is happy but ummm the rational part of me ( which happens to be really small right now ) is really freaked out right now...apparently in the last week i went from looking "healthy" (loath that word) to kinda looking scary...what do they expect MY HUSBAND HUNG HIMSELF!!!
but really in all honesty, which i always try to be...the first week was all completely grief...i constanly felt sick and really didnt function very well...sometime on friday when i realized i had lost wieght (clothes fell off) E.D hopped on my shoulder and whispered lets see how far we can go...when I went to see K yesterday...and she wieghed me she kept moving the dial thingy farther and farther to the left like 5 times or so so im thinking its close to double digits in the loss, i asked her to tell me me but she said she refused to talk to my E.D...whatever..
So here i am a widow at 30, the mother of three young children, the owner of a raging E.D, in a deep depression and some severe anxiety and yes now panic attacks.....so they say life goes on...tell me how...i cant blame him for what he did, im sure that heaven is allot better then this hell on earth!
Sorry to be such a downer but its my blog and I'll bitch, whine, moan, cry if i want to:(
but i still wish you all much peace and love...cause shit...well you all deserve it...now how to figure out why i deserve it too....blahhhh