personally i would like to know how...i mean really when ones husbands hangs himself in your house how does life really go on...okay i mean it goes on for other people...there lives arent marred by the pain and grief of such a devastating loss. My life...my life is forever scarred!
I was walking into target saturday ( my fav store) and as i was getting out of my car i hear this like 17 yr old girl bitching and crying over her prom dress, she changed her mind, it didnt look ads good as she thought it did and she freaking stared crying...it took every ounce of restraint for me not to run up to her a slap her as hard as i could and scream "what the fuck are you crying for? its a dress...your life will go on...my husband hung himself...his life is over...Done...snuffed out...you what a reason to cry, here Ill give you one!" of course i didnt..thankgod or id probally be sitting in jail right now instead of writting...but still why doesnt the world see the bigger picture...life is so fragile...and the stupid child was crying over a dress. I know i sound bitter..its cause i am.
Then there was the poor man at mobile...oh the poor man...he id's me for fun, cause even if you couldnt tell by my shit ass pictures in real life i dont look thirty...some guess 18 (when Im not with my kids) some 23 but never much higher...anyway, i walked in saturday night to get my cancer sticks...and he smiled, looked at me and said "oh you look so tired, ...long day at work?" I looked at dead on and said "NO my husband just died!"...he was definately taken aback and kinda stuttered, i turned to walk away and just said "not the answer you were expecting huh?" I guess saturday was NOT one of my more composed days. I still feel bad for the mobile man...maybe I should apoligize..or maybe he shouldnt comment on the fact that I looked like shit!
I guess I need to learn to bite my tongue which has never been a problem before usually my problem was that I never said what I was thinking or feeling...hmmmm funny how life works.
You Mike you didnt have to do this to make me open my mouth i would have learned one way or another!
Anyway I suppose I should update on the E.D front...hmmmm...so yeah not so good...saw K yesterday, and I guess when you have an E.D grief is not an acceptable reason to lose wieght...at least not to the extent to which i did...she wouldnt tell me how much cause she said she was not engageing in conversation with my eating disorder but...she had to keep moving the dial thingy over like 5 times so im thinking it was close to double digits...yes my E.D is happy but ummm the rational part of me ( which happens to be really small right now ) is really freaked out right now...apparently in the last week i went from looking "healthy" (loath that word) to kinda looking scary...what do they expect MY HUSBAND HUNG HIMSELF!!!
but really in all honesty, which i always try to be...the first week was all completely grief...i constanly felt sick and really didnt function very well...sometime on friday when i realized i had lost wieght (clothes fell off) E.D hopped on my shoulder and whispered lets see how far we can go...when I went to see K yesterday...and she wieghed me she kept moving the dial thingy farther and farther to the left like 5 times or so so im thinking its close to double digits in the loss, i asked her to tell me me but she said she refused to talk to my E.D...whatever..
So here i am a widow at 30, the mother of three young children, the owner of a raging E.D, in a deep depression and some severe anxiety and yes now panic attacks.....so they say life goes on...tell me how...i cant blame him for what he did, im sure that heaven is allot better then this hell on earth!
Sorry to be such a downer but its my blog and I'll bitch, whine, moan, cry if i want to:(
but i still wish you all much peace and love...cause shit...well you all deserve it...now how to figure out why i deserve it too....blahhhh
10 comments:
Tara, I had a dream about you last night. I won't go into lots of details here (because it would potentially just freak you out), but it was a sad dream and it made me wake up, worrying about your physical health. Then I woke up and read this post.... so, please, take care of yourself. You must care for yourself. Step outside of yourself and treat yourself as if you are your own child. Make meals that are set on place mats and comprised of food you enjoy. Be mindful while you eat and enjoy the food. It's so, so hard, but it is your responsibility to attend to your health. That means lots of things, but one thing it means is eating normal meals, regularly. It might be too hard, and, if that's the case, can your mom make your meals for you and sit with you while you eat them?
(Big HUG)
You deserve it. You deserve so much more than you have had in life. No one, NO ONE deserves to go through what you are going through. But you will survive. Your life will go on, never the same, not even close to the same as it was, but it will go on and you will find a different kind of joy to hold onto.
I always go on and on, so I'll just say this- there are people out here, all over the country thinking of you and praying for you and knowing, KNOWING that you will get through this. You will get through this.
Hey Tara: You know I'm worried about you. I got laughs when you were talking about the mobile man. Serves him right for making comments. People really need to think about what is important in life. You have learned the hard way my friend. I know right now you need to eat those meals despite that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you you'll end up sick. You are right your life has been rocked and changed. There is no going back but you can move forward. I think it would be good to have family meals. I'm here for you. I wish I could do more.
I'm sorry for your loss, Tara.
I wonder if your motivation can be your children. I can't even imagine what losing another parent would do to them. They deserve more than that.
Stephanie
I've been following your blog for awhile and this makes me sad. i hope you can find it in you to see beyond the grief you are going thru and imagine what yor kids are dealing with to.
they need you more than ever now because they don't have the ability to process this like you can and it would be terrible if you get sick with the eating disorder and can't take care of them emotionaly or physically. Being a mom means putting yourself second and them first sometimes especially in times like these. you appear to have skills to do this as it seems you have been in therapy for a long time and have lots of support. Take it one meal at a time as you have done before and don't think of this as an option, it is necessary to save your kids.
i am terribly sorry for your loss and realize it must feel unbearable at times. just remember not to put a time limit on your healing. You will get through this.
fucking blogger... i just had this massive response written and it lost it all...anyway to start...today is day 4 of following my mp i am to eat 5-6 mini meals a day (S calls them snacks but whatever) im doing it and thats all that really matters right now. I am having a really hard time, i am trying really hard to stay busy...actually i dont really allow myself to rest cause if i do i think and right now thinking is bad...I feel tremendous amounts of guilt but i am trying to detach that from the food, its just very hard because the only time i dont feel the pain, sorrow and guilt is when i feel something else (ie: hunger) but i am trying...The kids are doing relativly well considering the situation, they have accepted daddy got sick, he waited to long to go the doctors, they couldnt save him, he died and went to go to live with jesus in heaven. I know the truth! I know he hung himself in the doorway that led to our basement, I know he hung there for 23 hours before he was found, I know it took him 3 minutes to die, I have the questions of maybe he changed his mind while he was hanging there, and he could do nothing about it, did he pass out or did he just hang there gasping for air, why did he sit on our front steps at 4:40 pm and talk to our neighbor saying what a beautiful day it was out and how he couldnt wait for spring to really come, why did 2 hours later did he deciede to end his life, what was he thinking, why did he call our mortgage broker 4 times in th2 last 30 min of his life, why didnt he leave me a note, why didnt he call me? why when he told his parents and 5:30 he was going to hang himself why didnt they drive the 5 minutes to our house to get him help? WHY WHY WHY??? so when you (I know you are trying to help) to just do it for my kids, that they need me, it doesnt help, it just leaves me with more guilt that I am failing them like I failed Mike, I am supported by my tx team who I have contact with several times a day a loving family, a church, doctors...I am constantly checked out by my doctor, I am not going to die and leave them parentless, but I am going to struggle, yes its sometimes going to be one step foward 2 steps back but I am on a journey, one I never expected to be on. I am 30, and not to be all whoa is me but have experianced many traumas in my life..this one just tops the list.... I know I have my whole life ahead of me...but right now all I can see is the immediate future, and what I must do in order to survive emotionaly and physically so if for now I am doing the minimum then thats what I can do...I am grieving, I am dealing, and I am surviving...and really thats should all that is expected of me right now. I know I have 3 kids, whom I positively adore...and I WILL Recover...but it will take me time...so please If your gonna say you need to do it for your kids, just dont, I already know what I need to do for them...I dont need to feel like Im doing it wrong or that Im being selfish, Im in pain too, more so then I have ever been in my life...and if you have never had someone you love take their own life they you just cant and wont understand the grief...I will Recover there is no doubt about that, but the last thing I need is more guilt.
Tara
Tara:Wow ! I had some of those same questions to about what happened. I wasn't going to say something until you brought them up. His parents were plain stupid not to go over and check on him. I think I already expressed that to you though. No wonder they have guilt. I have to say I wondered about the no note. Did this mean he wasn't really meaning for it to happen? Some of this doesn't make sense but I guess you truely won't know exactly what was going on in his head that day. I bet you have spent lots of energy trying to figure it all out. You know you don't have to. How would having all the answers help you move forward? I think just surviving right now is a step in the right direction. I know the deep feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you not want to eat/feel. Many people are unable to eat when greif happens. I'm so glad that your treatment team is helping you get through this. You have been through so much tramua in your life. One day at a time and with the help of your family, friends, and church you will get through this. More later. Have to get ready for therapy! Love
hey baby,
i will come back to this later (as i have guests here) but i wanted to let you know all these feelings you are having are completely normal, the anger, frustration, anxiety, confusion, the questions.. all of it. i'm here for you honey, i am. write to me if you need & tell me to ring you (i get confused with the times & don't want to call in the middle of the night!).
i love you to pieces.
keep talking babe.
Xx
hey
i hope your doing ok, im new to your blog, but i just wanted to say that it takes a lot of courage to keep going when terrible, heartbreaking things like that happen...and you might not see it, but think how well you are doing in rolling through this right now. I know that doesnt sound much-but i do mean it.
My mum tried, and failed to hang herself when i was younger.I wont patronise you by saying i know what ou feel like-because i dont, but i can imagine, and im so sorry for your loss.
take care of yourself
vic x
you are surviving this
and i love you. x
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