Thursday, March 18, 2010

When you wake up...

and you realize that the sun does shine, and the cloud of doom that you feel follows you everywhere you go is not real...what do you do??

Do you accept that the sun is shinning, that today doesnt have to be like yesterday or do just assume that is WILL rain, even if there is not a cloud in the sky.

I always assume the worst, I dont just assume it will rain, I assume a tornado will spawn out of the clear blue sky and swipe my house off the ground and land it in the middle of the ocean ( even though the nearest ocean is like 3 hours away) and inside we will all be flopping around like fish ( but because we are not fish we will drown.

That is not reality...that will not happen, it cant!

So why do I think that if I step out of my restrictive little box the sky might fall or the earth will fall of its axis and cause a major world ending event?

Do I really think I have all these magical powers? I am not and never will be that powerful. BUT I am powerful, I mean I do have power I am not powerless, and can control somethings and it can even be food. That however doesnt mean i have to control how little I eat, it can mean I have the power to control how "normal" i eat. Nothing bad with happen if I eat a regular yogurt instead of a light one (holy shit reality check) if I eat a whole turkey sandwhich instead of half of it, while somehow manageing to pick off all the crust and make as many crumbs as possiable so I ingest as little as possiable.

Do I really think that if I drink that boost...It would have been better off being sent to the starving people of Haitie? No! Do i have that IRRATIONAL thought..you bet, do I need to act on it, ummm no! I mean Im not actually going to go to the post office and mail Haitie the boost...it will sit in my fridge with me thinking I should, Yes there are people on the opposite side of the world starving but am I helping them by starving myself as well...I suppose not..I mean NO!! No it will not help them.

When I wake up I need to look on the rattional side of the bed...I need to act before I think (to much) I need to remember I am just as worthy as the next guy, there is no cloud hanging over me waiting to destroy my home if I drink that boost, its just NOT going to happen.

When I wake up hungry and think thankgod...I get to be hungry, I need to be rational and think what would a "normal" person do? they would so Im told EAT BREAKFAST!!! "normal" people dont like to walk around all day hungry, it doesnt make them feel good...so that leads me to the question "WHY DONT I DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD...LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD?" not that the rest of teh world feels good all the time, but as far as I can tell they dont purposly make themselves feel BAD!

Yes everyone has pain, but I dont think that most of the world makes there own pain.

I create my pain...my choas..my internal hate...not to say that there hasnt been real trauma in my life that has caused me pain, but why do I feel like I need to perpetuate it?

I woke up today feeling "okay"...cause I was in fact hungry and that told me that I was good...hunger ='s good...IRRATIONAL thought...oh wise mind where did you go??

So I have this crazy idea that if I eat in a somewhat normal pattern today will I still feel "okay" ...but of course I also feel/fear that it will make me feel HORRIABLE...(you know tornado taking my house to ocean and letting us all drown horriable) but I also know that, that WILL NOT happen. Laura a while back posted about the 5 stages of Recovery...well stage 2 blows...but the only way to make it to stage 3 is to stick with suckiness of stage 2 and move toward stage 3 so...Today i will put a foot on the rational side of the bed...I will try to honor my hunger...and even if I dont really feel it to be nessacary I will try to feed myself like a "normal" person, I will climb out of my irrational head and try to step into the rational world!

Maybe i should just get back in my bed and get out on the other side maybe that will help or maybe I should just put on my big girl pants search for my rational mind and do what i know i should do!

Maybe my rational mind is hiding under my bed...maybe I'll check there first and if its not there then I will just have to hope the tornado thats waiting to drop my house into the ocean will drop off my rational mind instead!

Hey stranger things have happened...right?

Love you all

2 comments:

Eating Alone said...

If you find your's see if mine is hiding there with it.

You can do this. The world will not end. I know, believe me I KNOW, those thoughts. Well mine are more along the lines of the world spinning off and hitting the sun and the entire universe ending so you see, it could be worse.

Zena said...

David,

GOOD NEWS!!! I found your rational mind, it was hiding under the couch, I know it was yours cause it said "Davids rational mind" right on the box! So Im wrapping it duck tape and putting a purple ribbon on it (duck tape cause I dont want it to escape durning transit) hopefully you will have it back in three days...Im UPS'ing it to you:)

Mine is still missing...I have checked everywhere...except in the fridge...its probally hiding in there cause it knows it the last place I'd look:) Its a stuburn little bugger but I think I figured it out...maybe it was just trying to tell me something....hmmmmm...something to ponder