Thursday, March 11, 2010

lets get real!

Has anyone noticed that for a while all i have posted are silly pics f me and la famila ??? well if you did (3 points for you) and if you thought it bit strange that like i have nothing to say with all i have going on...( like divorce, an E.D, crazy living situation then you get 5 points) cause really i havent written anything of substance cause well i live in a world called D-E-N-I-A-L!!! its a fun place to be where you dont have to admitt anythings wrong.

guess what folks....im a con artist!!!

and a good one at that...oh i pull out bits and pieces like increased mp and doing okay with it....call it ....im a LIAR!!!!

Im not okay!!

my body is not happy (15 yrs of starving and purging) makes said body NOT happy!!

So here are the facts...i have remained out of hospital for 9 months and 6 days (sad how i count) not due to the fact that i am doing spectacular but to the fact that i plain out told my tx team i will leave tx if they try and force me into any hospital...so here i am...one day following mp (which although i whine about it, its really low like even for some obese person on a diet) and the next i ummmm dont i go back and forth and even when i do follow it i still lose wieght (cause like i said its a obese persond diet mp) hey they are trying to get me to just eat!

havent purged in 6 plus months..but does that count if your not really eating???

anyway im coming out of my river of denial (at least to you guys) and am sending out an SOS..im sinking. my labs are a mess like im waiting for a call from the good doc to tell me if more K and mag pills will fix me ( so my legs stop feeling like someone tied them in knots) or if its off to get a drip of that urning nasty shit they put in you so your heart doest give out.

the f-ing insurance company cut my visits with S to once a week...she wanted to keep appealing but i told her NO! why?? cause maybe i feel like quiting anyway so why have her go through the work...sigh...

okay so heres what i need...gentle loving ass kicks...on my bum but not to hard cause even my bum muscles hurt...

Tjis nuttiness needs to stop PRONTO!! Alyssa is 7...that means shes watched her mom starve (purge) herself into numbness for ummm 7 years...7 years to many...am i a good fod role modle ...NOOOOOOO....do i need to be....YEEEESSSSSS!!!

get out of the river tara....fight at least a little...and for goodness sake just be real.

okay i gotta go...cause sis is taking computer...but really like for real guys im asking for help...havent done that for a while so you could muster up any support you got (I know a lot of you are struggeling right now...but at least your honost abut it) so im joining the honesty club...sending out a signal...and asking for help...i know i have een a bad blogger friend ut i ll be etter i promise...and i promise to be honost...i swears


love you all

Tara (aka...LIAR)

7 comments:

lisalisa said...

maybe you thought you were keeping up a good front but I think it has been obvious you were struggling. It's good that you could come out and admit it though! Def try to keep up with the meal plan. I know it sucks but it sounds like it is not too big of an mp so you need all of it. Staying out of the hospital is a good thing! Getting really sick will only complicate the chaos that is going on for you and the kids right now. Give yourself a fighting chance! you can do this- think of all you have been through and overcome already! You are a fighter! Stay strong!

Eating Alone said...

First I love that the add's on your page are for weight loss tips. LMAO!

Second I put up a good front too but I can see through it. Divorce sucks, insurance sucks and your daughter having to see you slowly kill yourself sucks ( I hope that was gentel enough).

Third you need to follow the MP. The only way to that right now is to accept that you can not take care of yourself. If your daughter stopped eating would you let her? I don't think so. So fill out a MP every day and every meal. Once you do that your brain might have enough energy to fight.

I'm so sorry your having to go through all of this but you can win, if you want it and if you fight hard for it. It sucks and it's tough but you can do it.

Zena said...

thankyou the both for your gentle butt kicks. :)

i guess im not as swift as i thought ;)

yesterday and im only telling this because i feel like i need some accountaility...and maybe a reality check...

went as follows

breakfast 6 a.m. coke zero


snack 10 a.m. 1 tall nonfat latte from starbucks...my favorite place :)

lunch 1pm coke zero


snack 4p.m. cheese stick

dinner 6:30 3 whole eggs

i feel very bad cause i didnt follow said mp and ecause i ate at all.... :(

my doc called K level is 3.6 low normal....yeah....no more horse pills, how it will stay that way ??? but im going with it.

i see S in a few hours...i need a reality check from her too!

okay today MUST be better... i will start at 8 a.m. 1 hour and 13 min from now....wish me luck!!

love you all

tara

firefly said...

Tara: You know what you need to do to keep your children. Fight ed! I could have told you that you weren't telling the whole truth but what good would that have done? You need to take care of yourself.

Telstaar said...

Hello my lovely Tara,

So you wanted a kick up the bum right? Yeah, not quite ready to go there just yet.... first... I want you to feel the pain when i just touch your legs? Do you FEEL that? Honestly, we BOTH know what it feels like when your legs ache and feel like lead weights and just generally S*^T because of not enough K+!

Now.... You have three BEAUTIFUL children... don't you want to be able to run after them? Play with them? Not have to leave them in the middle of the night because you need to get a drip??

Now... would you put Alyssa through that?? Seriously? Do you want HER to feel that pain too?? Because like you said, you need to be a role model. If she develops an eating disorder, does that make it automatically your fault? Of course not. BUT is she at higher risk even just genetically? Yes! So perhaps you can help increase the chance of her a) NOT developing an ed and b) Overcoming it QUICKLY if she DID develop an ed by demonstrating to her the inner strength that I KNOW you have and eating your MP, NOT dropping out of Tx, letting S fight for you witht he insurance company, taking your tablets and not purging? Because if you don't... then you are another contributing factor towards A feeling those pains in HER legs.... that girl that is so vibrant and loves to move around...

Sweetheart, you can do this. It is awful and right now I feel like you don't have it in you to do it for you... I understand that entirely. That is part of the eating disorder, part of your trauma and background, part of the stress and crappiness going on right now. I'm not going to be angry with you because you don't feel like you have the capacity to want recovery for YOU. HOWEVER, I DO know that you love and adore your kids more than anything and you NEED to do it for them! Do you want them to end up with M on a full time basis?? Do you want to miss them graduating or getting married?? More than that, how would THEY feel to have you miss those things??

So hunni, if you have to stick up reminders ALLL around your house of the three most precious reasons as to why you will eat your ENTIRE meal plan AND work towards increasing it and NOT walk out on tx and keep being honest.... then so be it! You do whatever you need to do to get better hunni. YOU, Tara, are completely worth it, however, your kids, individually and collectively are also worth it.

Love you babe xox

Zena said...

I love you guys...and I knew if i asked for some help you would give it to me...all I had to was ask,,why is that so hard??

anyway yesterday was better, not perfect but better...today is a new day and I cant say i feel motivated but i can say I love my darling kids ( but I wory about alyssa) S and I had a long session yesterday and the gist of it was its desicion time, that I have an amazing way with words and have this ability to inspire others but i cant do that ( fight Eds for other people if I wont do it for myself) ( I want to eventually do work in the field of E.D awareness) so what do I need to do??

stop fearing the unknown live LIVE without panic and if the panic comes (it will) be prepared to use every freaking skill I have to fight it and not let it over take me...Im looking into taking a DBT skills class once a week its specialized for EDs and I think it might help, its not covered by insurance but I think it will be worth it...
Im done with the lies...from now on I promise to be honost no matter how painful or embarrasing it is...I cant do my full MP breakfast but I can drink a boost...Im going to get it right now..its 8:40 am....


................................

boost drank

with my coffee

my next goal for today will be to drink water I havent had any water in 4 days...apparently you need water to live :)

Im going to make it a goal to drink 4 0z of water for every cup of coffee or coke zero I drink today...I will be back periodically throughout the day to update on my progress...I am promiseing you guys, my children and myself that I will not let this kill me!!!

If you guys get a chance go and watch a youtube video...go to anorexia recovery superchic and click on my name is vicki...

I will not be a statisic...I am worth more then that!!!

I love you all!!

Zena said...

2 something pm ....lunch...boost


you know this is to hard, i feel ill when i eat...ill when i dont...maybe my body just doesnt want to do it anymore...

okay thats a cop out

its just hard

i feel weighted down with the crap...i need a vacay...from me :(