thats jennie shafers term for it...mines more of a tornado. I feel so ...bad...I am lost, im tired of fighting a battle i never seem to win...i am having serious thoughts of just ending it all now ( dont worry i emailed S) I m thinking about writting letters to my kids for them to open some day, of gifts I can buy them that will have special meaning for them to open on milestone birthdays, I am in so much pain.
I cry all the time...and last night well it happened in front of my kids...I just couldnt stop, I couldnt gain my composure, they are so angry with me for leaving thier dad...Alyssa said " I know he screamed at you all the time, and threw things at your head, broke plates and punched holes in the walls, but I still just want a family"...my heart broke...she wanted me to be okay with the abuse so she could have a mom and dad together...I know shes only 7 but it just about killed me and has made me second guess everything I have done over the last 4 months...Zack ( my angry child) tried to get me to laugh...he tried everything...doing funny impressions, acting silly and finally telling me he would go to therapy too...that made me smile....so he kept saying it over and over again...silly child.
I just want them to be happy.
Maybe if I wasnt here they could be...yes they would be sad but they would get over it eventually and then they wouldnt feel like they would have to pick a parent...the choice would have already been made, I know he loves them, its mean it treated like shit...I m crying again...my heart aches, its not fair no one should have to feel this bad all the time, god would want this...I go to bed praying he will take me in my sleep...so i can go to heaven and be with him (suicide a sin...and sends you to hell...at least thats what i believe...so if your thinking how can I get a hold of S, know I wont take any pills....I just want so badly to do it)
Im sorry for laying this all on you guys...but I said id be honost..this is me...warts and all