Sunday, March 14, 2010

"the sadness cloud"

thats jennie shafers term for it...mines more of a tornado. I feel so ...bad...I am lost, im tired of fighting a battle i never seem to win...i am having serious thoughts of just ending it all now ( dont worry i emailed S) I m thinking about writting letters to my kids for them to open some day, of gifts I can buy them that will have special meaning for them to open on milestone birthdays, I am in so much pain.

I cry all the time...and last night well it happened in front of my kids...I just couldnt stop, I couldnt gain my composure, they are so angry with me for leaving thier dad...Alyssa said " I know he screamed at you all the time, and threw things at your head, broke plates and punched holes in the walls, but I still just want a family"...my heart broke...she wanted me to be okay with the abuse so she could have a mom and dad together...I know shes only 7 but it just about killed me and has made me second guess everything I have done over the last 4 months...Zack ( my angry child) tried to get me to laugh...he tried everything...doing funny impressions, acting silly and finally telling me he would go to therapy too...that made me smile....so he kept saying it over and over again...silly child.

I just want them to be happy.

Maybe if I wasnt here they could be...yes they would be sad but they would get over it eventually and then they wouldnt feel like they would have to pick a parent...the choice would have already been made, I know he loves them, its mean it treated like shit...I m crying again...my heart aches, its not fair no one should have to feel this bad all the time, god would want this...I go to bed praying he will take me in my sleep...so i can go to heaven and be with him (suicide a sin...and sends you to hell...at least thats what i believe...so if your thinking how can I get a hold of S, know I wont take any pills....I just want so badly to do it)

Im sorry for laying this all on you guys...but I said id be honost..this is me...warts and all

7 comments:

Alexandra Rising said...

Oh my gosh, it hurt me to read this!
Do your kids see a counselor? Or perhaps could you do a few sessions of family therapy?
It sounds like your daughter did not mean those words but said them because she was provoked by some feeling [sadness? anger? missing her dad?].
Kids do NOT want to see their parents abused...but I think they want to see their parents. It sounds like you are 100% better off without your husband [ex?] and made the correct decision for you.
You are, in fact, protecting your kids from any possible abuse toward them, as well.
When they get older they will understand that you made the best decision for ALL of you...and that a family is not defined by a mom, a dad, and kids.
Maybe you could talk about other kids you all may know who dont live in that stereotypical 'nuclear family'. I'm sure there are many kids either living with a single parent, or a parent and a step-parent, or an aunt or a grandparent.
Im so sorry <3 Hugs galore!

now.is.now said...

Tara, have you gotten a hold of S yet? Have you talked with your mom? I think it would do you wonders to be around some adult company right now. You did make the right choice (for you AND for your kids) by leaving Mike. I wish I could get you out of your tornado. Your'e right, no one deserves to feel like this.

Zena said...

thankyou Alex,

I really am at a loss

I made an appointment with a child shrink for my son for his anger issues but they seem to resolving..im feeling so lost...desperate and unsure...i just want them to understand i left because i love them, i had put up with the abuse for 12 years and i couldnt bare for them to grow up thinking this was the way a husband and wife should treat each other...i better for them...im just so lost on how to provide it...and yes i have suffered with an ed and depression and anxiety for 15 yrs but it didnt get to the point of almost dying til i was with him...i know i have options but right now only one seems like a solution...although i do in my rational mind realize its not a solution just the creation of an even bigger problem...i just hurt so much ...all the time...thanks for writting...really it means allot ((hugs)

Zena said...

Laura,
we posted at the same time...i emailed S but i dont want to call..i dont really know why...the kids went to a family party with M, so i am alone....my mother, sister and i had a fight last night because everyone was trying to parent my kids at once...its my job...right now, you guys are all i got...thankyou for being here...i took some klonipin...but im still awake :(

i could call my pdoc, i have her cell...i just dont know what i would say right now...i want to swallow my pills...that wouldnt go over to good and could wind me up in a place i dont want to be(against my will)

im just so tired of fighting...it hurts so bad...

thankyou though...really thankyou

Eating Alone said...

Hey I came from a broken home as well -that's what they called it then- it does suck for the kids. No lie it will affect them a lot more than you can know. Family therapy or individual for them could really help. I wish I had gone growing up and I might have not had so much pain.

But the other side of that is that as an adult I can see why they had to split up at the time. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to come to that but it did come.

That pain your feeling will not kill you. I promise. It will suck and hurt, let it come and cry and you will find the strength to get through it. Sorry I know that's corny but I don't know what else to say. I do know that I still love my mom and dad to this day. I would be crushed if either of die. Yes I know it will happen but I know that for now I want them around, flaws and all, for as long as I can keep them.

belinda said...

i hear you
i really do!
and i'm so sorry.

firstly.. nobody is EVER better off when someone they love suicides. believe me. my life is so fucked up and will be for a long time. i will never recover from the grief and i am scarred for life. i know you wouldn't want this for your babies.

Xx

firefly said...

Hey Tara: Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. Therapy for the children was mentioned many times over. I think that maybe you leaving M has something to do with Zach resolving anger issues for sure. You did the right thing and you must keep going. I can understand why there may be fights over the parenting. Too many parents in the kitchen. lol. Alyssa needs to know that it is not ok for her mom to be yelled at and thrown things at.
I'm glad you are reaching out but you need more help. Not eating for days and drinking isn't going to earn you parental rights. When you aren't taking care of yourself I understand why their might be questions about your parenting the kids. I think you really need to decide to take charge. Tara, I'm not saying this to be mean but I truely care about you and the kids. It's back and forth but never stable. You have to let others help you. You know I'm only a phone call away. Call me! I'll listen.