Wednesday, October 20, 2010

a writting assignment

I have my sisters computer as i was told to blog about my "EXTREME PTSD" reaction to something a older man who picks up his grandchildren from my kids school said to me...

Last thursday, a man whom I have chit chatted with for the past 3 years because we both pick kids up at the same time...I assumed he was a harmless old man til last thursday when he grabbed my arm pulled my ear next to his ear and said " I need to get to your house, I need to see you, I need to touch you, you just boggle my mind", I panicked, ripped my hand away grabbed my kids and almost ran to my car, I now panic every time I go to school, and yesterday was awful, I got extremely anxious, and it just got worse and worse as the hour went on, by the time I got to her office I was crying and shaking, I couldnt breath my arm was numb, it was aweful...all I could hear in my head was Mike screaming at me "you slut, whore, I told you, you were a cheat, slut, you deserved it, you asked for it, tramp..." over and over in my head it was awful, it wouldnt stop and I couldnt breath ( luckily she has my meds and she gave me a klonipin, by the end of the hour, I had calmed down enough to drive)

Im not sure how I am going to handle this, I now panic when I drop them off and panic when I have to pick them up, today I had to pick them up early (Zack had his last appointment for his evaluation) so I was spared...

I knew I had to work threw the physical and verbal abused I endured, but couldnt I get through the grief first, I have been an emotional wreck, I should have knew something was brewing at the gym yesterday, The mean Ed voice came on strong, telling me how dirty and disgusting and stupid and lazy I was, I wanted to stop at mile x, but I had said I was going to mile y, the voice in my head was horrible and degrading, and even after I did y mile, it still kept at me in my head I felt crazy, then I had that horrible panic attack...now Im terrified, so so scared.

I "had" to do y again today, it takes me 2 hours, and I still feel like its not good enough, at least I can realize, it wouldnt matter how many miles I did, it would NEVER be good enough...Im not going back to the gym, my body hurts, my feet hurt allot, I have no babysitter tomorrow, I could drop Isaiah off at the day care they run there, but I shouldnt I should sit with the anxiety...

Wow look at me avoiding talking what I should be talking about, I guess Im not ready to dig, I feel like my skin is crawling, I want to run and cry and scream all at the same time, and worst of all, I hate myself, and its just getting worse, every pound lost, the hate grows even more, but I just want to disapear, erase myself, make myself as unattractive as possible, I stopped wearing a bra and started wearing tak tops with shirts over them under my sweater, so I dont have a chest (im small chested but with a bra I have something) but subconsciously I must have known that, that makes me more "womanly" and after Thursday I stopped wearing the bra...I want to crawl into myself, I hate me...

Since I have taken off my wedding rings and put them around my neck, 2 men have specificly asked for my phone number, one man followed me to the car out of the gym and asked if we could keep in touch, one man at the apple orchard asked if I wanted to keep in contact so we could make "pies" together whatever that means and my next door neighbors friend has asked me out 3xs just to go as "friends for a few drinks" now this old man, I feel like a dirty whore, I want to dissappear, and worst of all, I hear him telling me all those things, I believe them, he said it and now I have become some kind of target, is/was he right, to I come off like I want it, I stay to myself, for fucks sake I cant even look a man in the eye, they scare me...but I feel

like a dirty whore,

I hate me, S says they are lies embedded in my brain by a man who was sick, that its typical for victims of abuse to believe the lies, but they are not true, I mean I have only had 2 boyfriends in my life and I married one of them, yet, I feel so so dirty.

Im just repeating myself, I dont think I did what she asked, but whatever, i feel dirty, she says Im not, but I feel it, and that isnt gonna change by writing about it.

another bummer post

I might stop writing, I think I make everyone depressed, I will try to find something positive next time I get a computer, but...no promises.

Love, Tara

8 comments:

In the Pink said...

Don't you dare stop writing! The men who have approached you are pervs and sick to talk to you the way they do. That old man can kiss my ass. If I were there I would have slapped him twice in the face and screamed my rage at him until it caused a scene and I had to be escorted away!! Oh that makes me so mad he did that to you.

On another note...I am so very sorry for what your ex did to you. Abuse on a woman by a man is never acceptable. What happened to you was so very wrong and it shouldn't have been that way. I wish you the very best sweetie! Stay strong.

lisalisa said...

wow, that old man was very inappropriate and creepy and you have every right to feel the way you do. I would complain to the school about him (even though they probably cant do anything if it was not on school grounds)! You should be able to feel safe when you pick up your kids.
SOme guys just make me sick. Guys that say thing like that, or even the ones who whistle and catcall when a woman walks by. What makes them think we want that kind of attention? Seriously!

XOLisa

Alexandra Rising said...

Wow, Tara. Very sad reading this. Keep writing if it helps you, please.
I'm thinking of you. I hope one day you can work through these feelings because you are not any of those things that you have been called.

belinda said...

ok
breathe...

firstly, that older man :(
that is vile, i hope you have told the school. you should not have to suffer anxiety when dropping your kids off. what he did is inappropriate.

men asking for you number, or out for drinks etc.. this makes you the opposite of those names that you (mike) are calling yourself. perhaps, can you take a step back and see that you are a beautiful person and they might just want to spend time with you.

i hear what S is saying.
having other men interested leads to the flashbacks of rants you were subjected to for so many years. honey, you know you haven't done a single thing to deserve those labels. they are not you, not then, not now. M was sick, he was scared and he was jealous. that doesn't excuse the abuse but it can be taken into consideration.

now onto the e/d..
hmmm.. funny how with every pound lost you are feeling worse and yet you continue to use this method to cope. i've done it too. it doesn't seem to make sense. on one hand i can see that it continues the pattern of abuse that we became accustomed to and of course, i totally get the desire to vanish. we both know that starving will not make our pain vanish (because that is what we are really wanting, i think). all starving, restricting and using a, b, & c as coping mechanisms will bring us all is MORE attention, MORE heartache and yup, MORE struggles :(

i wish it wasn't this way.
you deserve to be free of the abuse, both from M and from the e/d.

(get that computer fixed! i miss you)

Xx

Zena said...

I cant see Im not what he said 12 years, thats how long I heard those words, anyway I feel like shit, I appreciate your beautiful words, they do help to hear it...that i am not those things, Im miserable right now, I feel like literal shit, I took something I should not have after going to the gym, and now I feel hideous, so sick...

B, I might buy a new one, stil get the other fixed just give to kids, anyway will you be able to set another skype account for name on that computer???

love you all,

Tara

firefly said...

Awww Sorry things are hard. Thought this poem would inspire you!

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends, you know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there, so say a prayer
And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

belinda said...

hon, you can use the same skype account on your newie. i will help you.

oh and...
you can feel like shit, hey we all do sometimes on different levels but i'm here to tell you to look at the facts re the name calling ;)
think of those labels really. do you know of anyone that is those things? think of what they mean.
now think.. have you done any of those things? do you deserve those names (and if you do, that means i did/do too!).

you know the truth, it just hurts like hell right now. i know it's hard, you hear the bullshit for so long. of course you come to believe it. the cycle stops with you now though honey.

these are not just words.
i love you.
xx

Zeke said...

This will sound like odd advice, but here it is. Learn to fight.

Try to find a good mixed martial arts (MMA) gym, or a boxing club.

I have given this advice to other people with severe abuse or emotional abuse issues. One young man had his life changed.

You have adopted the name you have because you understand that you must BECOME A WARRIOR to lose the churning darkness that is inside you.

This insight IS CORRECT.

Please seriously consider this advice. I believe it can change your life, and at minimum you will find people who are real and respect you and get it great shape.