Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Bad day

I must tell myself it is just one day, that one bad day does not mean it will spiral into many strung together...I saw S today, but I dont feel much better which is odd, I cried, I think she wants to support me in this school thing but doesnt want me to feel like I "have" to do this, that I could always change studies, or go part time instead of the 32.5 hrs a week I go, plus studying plus being an only parent, but thing is if I DONT do this I will feel like an epic failure and most likely will nose dive...all this crying and self doubt, being so critical of myself, feeling like a complete retard, all of it stemmed from getting an 84 on an exam, its a far cry from the high 90's and 100's I had been getting, I have 2 big tests tomorrow and my confidence has been jarred...Im scared, weepy and feel at a loss...and ed is having a field day  and that I am sure is playing a role, as I did study tonight but really wished I could have gone to the gym...sigh...I promised S I would eat dinner, so I am off to do that now...before I just say screw it.



Eliza said...

Oh man. I relate to so much in this post I want to give you a hug :) Do not beat yourself up over an 84! Although, I get it. There is something about grades I think that taps into that weird obsession we (people with eating disorders) have with numbers. Forgive yourself.

Zena said...

Thanks Eliza,
its funny the 84 really bothered me, and I attributed all my tears to that but we also did B/P's and pulse rates and although mine were low ( lower then my classmates and medical standards) they were not low enough, as in what my AN lows were, its twisted but it made me "feel" fat, retarded that one can "feel" fat because of your B/P and pulse but I did...my obession with numbers goes far beyond my wieght...didnt realize how bad it was...