Thursday, September 29, 2011

Stability?? and some other musings

Since removing the Lexapro on saturday my mood since monday has been well relatively stable...I feel okay, I think, I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out...I have been very between the kids and school, keeping the house up, the gym, homework, appointments for ALL of us.....just general life. I didnt have school today and my day went like this up at 6 (thats sleeping in) get kids ready, make them breakfast, calm zack down from a panic attack, gym, shower, 4 yes 4 loads of laundry washed dried and put away, cleaned my car, grocery shopped, put everything away, cleaned the floors, studied, picked up kids, back to target to pick up scripts and do a little shopping (rain boots for the kids and a sweatshirt for me) make the kids dinner, help them with thier homework, give baths, make their lunches, watch tv with kids for half hour.....an hour ago I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but I must have gotten a second wind, blahhhh, I need to get up at 4 to study as I have several tests tomorrow and got to wrapped up in daily living things to study enough today....

Mike has been weighing heavily on me, I am grappling with the "how could he possiably be dead?" question, it seems unreal, some days it feel like a life time ago he was here, and some days it feel like hours, it all still haunts me and the more I am going through school and knowing I will actually have a career the more it piles on  me that he is not here,and would I have actually done this if he were still here...would I have had the motivation?? I mean it was something I always wanted to do but never did...why did I wait???  I bet hes angry with me, for just having been such a lazy bitch while he was alive, only caring about my disease, and the kids, I wasnt nice enough to him, I sure as hell didnt save him, I was a lousy wife, he wasnt a great husband but  maybe if I had been better he would have tried harder to quit drinking...and I still come back to almost three and a half yrs ago I just about died, so how in this world am I the one who is still here, my heart nearly quit, I was laid in a bed with a tube shoved down my nose cause even with my heart rate at 22 and my QTC line so prolonged that I could have went into cardiac arrest at any minute I still refused food....and yet I am the one still here, doing fairly well considering it all...It all just drags at me, I still cry allot, well some weeks allot and some not at all....is this the healing process...I dont know some days it just feels like hell and some days I actually think I will make it...ofcourse, I have great guilt in actually thinking that I WILL make it....I suppose though I need to get over it because at shit as it makes me feel I am the only one left to raise our babies and that needs to be done, so I guess Im here at least another 14 yrs, most likely longer as it would still be traumatic for an 18 yr old boy to lose his mom....

dont know, Im not suicidal, I just think about death allot...and the fact that it WILL all end at some point, it could be tomorrow, but it could also be 50 or 60 years from now, I suppose I should gear up for the latter no matter how daunting that seems...I just noticed something...Im actually thinking and preparing for the future....I havent thought about anything but making it through the day...minutes....until just recently....maybe there is hope for me yet???

just maybe...

Love, Tara

6 comments:

Chippy said...

I don't really know what to say right now but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and that I do believe there is hope for you.

Angela said...

There is hope for you...A lot of hope!

You did not have anything to do with Mike's death. Please be clear about that. He was very ill, and that was not your fault. You were not a lousy wife, he was abusive to you and you deserved to be free of that. Hear me clearly - *you are not to blame for Mike's death!*

Keep looking forward to the future. There is a lot of hope for you!!!

firefly said...

Hon, At that time you had to make some very tough decisions to make your family safe. You did the right thing. Kept the kids safe. I know you still loved him even though the situation wasn't the best. We all have faults but let's just put it this way it wasn't your time. God knew he always knows. You know me I don't get bible quotey alot. Ha I think a made a new word but the one thing that I have been taught by reading these kids journals and story is many parents believe in God's big plan. From day one one this earth he knew the day you were going to die etc. God must have known and had more faith in you then in Mike. You tried Tara. You warned his parents, they chose not to believe you, you did your part. Don't beat yourself up. I learned in college you can't be somebody's 24 hour babysitter. You really need to see that movie courageous. Brought up so much stuff for me. I'll leave you with a verse of hope of one of the kids sites and her singing. Think i put it out on both fb accounts. These kids teach and inspire and by the way you are so lucky to have a mom that supports so much.
Hannah's song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXBMb26l6Ls

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19.

oh and marni started blogging and she was talking about that disguise veggie book. I can give you here blog address if interest. funny how eds/lots of people put pictures of food in their blogs. It's so weird I swear I have atypical eating disorder. I'm very picky about who I blog with friends from mp just like fb , few that just seems to be very nice like i told you marylynn and bree. I seem to sway mormon but then I have some cancer families. One lady has done that simple one picture a day thing after her daughter got over everything and just families with tons of kids. I don't take lots of ed friends. Even fb they either went to treatment on that account or are doing well. I have some people on both accounts because I can trust them not to but swears up on my wall and not to mention ed on that account. I have 8 year olds on that account. Way too young but for support I do it. I try to warn mom's that it may not be a link the kid should click on. I've got family and colleuges and all angel parents. I will invite you so you can see lyssies group. I ran her page update on coles last night. I should let you listen to aaron's testimony the founder of coles. he even does messages for schools. trying to get his dvd to burn but it isn't working out. Hugs!!!

lisalisa said...

hey there! I was just looking at some pics on your FB page. I know your little family is struggling but I can tell by looking at the pictures of your beautiful kids that you are doing an awesome job! I can see that you take the time to do lots of fun things with the kids. They have beautiful, genuine smiles and even though they have been through alot you are making sure that they will have lots of good childhood memories.
you are a great mom; I can tell just by looking at the smiles on your kids' faces :)
XOLisa

Zena said...

Lisa,
you dont know how much that meant to me, Im feeling so low right now, thank you for taking the time to just let me know they look happy, Im trying so hard to make the weekends special for them since im so busy now...I really needed to hear that.

Love, tara

belinda said...

hmmm... i'd like to hear your definition of what makes a crap wife? i think this is just a label we put on ourselves that stems directly from the e/d (not good enough etc)

you nor anyone on this planet could save mike. his life was his responsibility. why are you still here? because YOU sought treatment, you did the hard yards and you are making the best of a difficult situation.

x