Monday, September 19, 2011

Where there is mania...

There is always a horriable crash...

I have crashed

I feel absolutely horriable, I left lecture 2 xs today to cry, I called my pdoc on lunch, you knew this would happen, and added MORE risperdol ( I HATE RISPERDOL) but it works, In  my tears I said maybe I should just taking them (my meds) so I could be manic again , because that sure beats this, she assured me you always eventually crash and that it would just be even worse, she asked me if I needed the hospital, I adamently said, appartently her and S spoke and because I was soooo manic last week they anticipated this crash, she asked if I was suicidal, ofcourse I said no, but honostly at the time I was, I had my mom come stay with me this afternoon, I just didnt feel safe...I cried mysrlf last night, deep long sobs...somehow I managed a 98% on my micro final, which is good cause if i wrecked my average it would have sent me off the deep end, ofcourse I wanted a 100 but thats just my perfectionism...pray this med works and that things go well with S tomorrow, I really just feel so low, I cant even manage a fake smile, and with all these mood swings, my eating has been nil, I need to fix this all school is to important to me, I despertly want to do well, I need to, I started reading "intuitive Eating" I have had it forever but never read it....im  not sure how to really apply it as my hunger and fullness cues are just messed up, and I have no real foods I crave, even when I would B/P it would just be whatever was on hand, i never bought binge food, it never tasted good, it was more about the purge, anyway Im depressed and just want to feel better...please dear god just let me stabilize.

2 comments:

Michele said...

What a double whammy -- eating disorder along with bipolar ...and it sounds like rapid mood swings. The bitch of it is the give us the antidepressants....but too much of that and you are soon spinning to the ultimate crash....with any luck, pass the point of suicide.....you know, that place where it would be just too much trouble. I have been riding this hurricane since 1993....Finally a doc who has me on meds that keep me relatively stable --- with a llittle tweaking every 2 weeks. Also a therapist (Ph.D -- don't use anything else they are not qualified -- they don''t have the background in the workings of the brain --. They have kept me out of the hospital since 2001. But it has been a lot of work: therapy: behavior modification to learn how deal with this monster....and a doc who know the meds and is not hung up on using the "usual bunch". My doc has used other meds for stabilizers....the third part you have to do yourself....if you can get out of that bed or off the couch...;put your creativity to work.....read a book.....exercise...go for a walk...play with an animal....

I am truly sorry you are where you are right now.. I have been there many times, 6 suicide attempts...you name it I've done it.....I;m offering the above because it has made such a difference for me. Right now I'm going through a mixed mood and have a call into my pdoc. Guess we'll be chning the cocktail. Hang in there and remember we are special people......usually quite intelligent, creative, unique, talented, artistic, and we don't think inside the box and we are not the square peg that fits in the found hole. We are special unique people who just have to learn how to manage our lives. Much love and luck Michle

Zena said...

Michele,

Thankyou so much, Im so terrified this depression is going to affect my schooling, I was meant to get up at 4:30 like I usually do to study, but due to the increased meds I didnt wake til 5:20. I woke up with the body aches that go with the depression, I plan do school today, dropping off kids, going to the gym, therapy (S is a PHD) and then my kids open house THEN study, It seems daunting just writting it out but I do know the only way out is through, I must admit the thought of playing with my meds to bring me back to the mania, I was so much more productive, but that I know will just lead to a more drastic crash...so I will carry on, praying this lifts...and I have so much riding on this year...so much, Thursday would have been my husbands and I 10th wedding anniversary, but hes dead and I guess the lonliness is also starting to play a role in my mood, okay I must shower and face this day...sigh...here we go

Love, Tara