Thursday, July 1, 2010

I am frozen

I cant breath

I cant move

my sister will be here in 7 minutes to pick me up to go for her fittings and one of mine...

I need to brush my teeth

Im going to try to wiggle out of my dress fitting for a few more weeks...

I have the dress got it last week

its to big

I just want it to fit PERFECTLY, I dont want to make any changes because I chose not to eat for a month and am still trying to get back to where I was

Its her day

not mine

if my dress is to big she will worry, I dont want her to worry

and its a wedding

my boy is dead and she is beginning her life

I dont begrudge her

Im just so broken

She wants just her and I to go, so we can just get some time alone together

she wants to get dinner will be about 8pm, kinda late for dinner...but I have been "saving" for it all day so...

she will want some drinks too

That I am okay with, at least the food will go down easier.

Please Lord dont let me lose it when I see her in her gown, dont dear lord let me have a flash back to my wedding leaving me in heaps on the floor..

Let this be ALL about her..

okay, GET UP TARA AND GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, its okay just go do it

Brush your hair

put on your shoes...

You will be okay, meds are in the bag

okay breath Tara, you are okay

get unstuck

The dinner will be good, if you werent going you wouldnt eat because its 6 now and you know you would just go to bed hungry so this is good you need the food, its going to be okay...

come on tara...shes here...GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!

Breath...she s yelling my name...

Go, do this for her...go on...go...



okay I m getting up RIGHT NOW!!

pray for me im in like high panic mode, and I dont want her to know..

shit here she comes

gotta go

do not want this seen

love you all


Anonymous said...


Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Oh, Tara ...
I hope you are okay. Stay safe.


Love, Angela

Zena said...

it went pretty well considering....her dress is so beautiful...she is beautiful...I left my dress at home, I have another fitting on july28th, I know all will be well by then...we went to dinner and ordered drinks (thankgod) then we ordered, an apitizer..calamari(its sooooo yummy) she ordered some huge ass sandwhich and fries and i of course my standard salad with grilled chicken...we got to talkingand drinking and eating the calamari that I didnt get around to the salad, ( the man sitting next to me whispered "I knew you wouldnt be able to eat both") really WTF, what if I was super hungry, what if I did eat both would he have commented then too?? my sister ate both, no one said anything to her, and she is thin, she eats allot but she is stil thin...what seemed to be the difference between the 2 of us, did I look scared, Do I have " I have anorexia" written on my forehead?? I am not emacciated, unless I told you, you would assume I had an eating disorder by looking at me...whatever we had a good time...she would however liker me to refer to Mike as my "late husband" instead of saying my husband and I, she said it might help me move foward...idk...I mean my rings are still on...anyway...maybe I should practice...we will see, she s smart but she doesnt know how much it sucks to have to remind yourself that hes dead all the time..blahhh anyway I would consider the night a success!!

belinda said...

i told you!! ;)
glad to hear things went well babe.

ps, i agree with the sister, re the "late husband" idea, i struggled with this a lot in the first 6mths after daniel went but i found it has helped (eventho it still feels weird to say sometimes).


firefly said...

I'm glad dinner went well. What color is your dress? How many brides maids will she have? Hang in there I missed your call or maybe I just didn't hear it. lol! I think maybe you could try the late husband thing. Hang in there!