Friday, July 9, 2010

so ...

I am leaving wildwood today, the kids had a great time and I will post pics ( like in a couple posts to show you there coolness) and dont get me wrong I DID have a good time, but I would be lieing if I said there wasnt this enormous hole in my heart the entire time, I felt it the first night we were here about 9 pm watching the sun set on the beach, the kids were slpashing in the water, running and jumping and digging in the sand, and I sat there half in the water and began to openly sob, I looked to the sky as the tears ran down my face and just could not believe he was gone, and the incrediable aloneness just didnt go away...at the waterpark, the boardwalk, the amusement park, at breakfast, lunch, dinner, the beach the pool, there was the huge hole that just wouldnt go away...I think I hid it pretty well, the kids didnt know how sad I was and thats not to say I didnt have fun, but well that huge hole was there and it just wouldnt go away...

I suppose that it didnt help that there were so many famlies there and by families I mean "complete" families, mom, dad, kids...etc... and its really amazing at how many people just ask you ( not out of meanness or anything, maybe becasue I still wear my rings) where daddy? or say... what?? your husband should be helping with you with them. or, are they all yours, you need some help, tell there dad to get over here and help you! mostly I would just nod and smile, but it just made the hole bigger...we were in one store on the boardwalk, it was getting late, and they were over tired, looking for boogie boards, one would go one way and the other the other way, and one of the owners said to them "you better listen to your mommy...you dont want her to have to tell your daddy..." Zack just looked at him and was like "hes dead, but she cn tell him if she wants..." sigh

its been almost 4 months...im pretty sure i will be alone forever because i will never be able to give my hole self to someone else...and so the aloneness just gets bigger...i miss him so much, i can not describe to you the ache in my heart, the fustration in my being, that it is true, i am alone, I am an only parent which really seems so much different then a single parent...

If only I could turn back time...

sorry....just had to get it out...

a happy post to come soon...hope you all had a GREAT week!!

Love, Tara

8 comments:

belinda said...

oh honey,
i know that loneliness. it's insidious. but i have faith in you, you will feel love again, a different love... and that's ok, you know?
i'm sorry it's so hard to be the only parent (and yes i agree, this is a different feeling from being "single"). i think it's part of the adjustment period that we have to go thru. it's sucky, yes but you are doing it and you are moving forward, not without Mike, but with him in all of your hearts where he will always be alive with you.

on the upside, i am glad you went away and you could get away from the house and have some fun with the kidlets.
love you. x

zubeldia said...

Oh, Tara, I have been thinking of you a lot. What you describe seems so achingly hard, and to feel that hole to the extent you are - well, I don't even know what to say.

I don't think you will be on your own forever, sweetheart, and I think, truly, that one day you will feel the love of another person.

Hold on, sweety.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Loneliness aches so much and nothing will be able to fill the hole left by your husband. But maybe someday, you will be able to open your heart to someone else and he will be able lessen the hole and help you move forward. It will have to be in your time and when you are ready; don't force it.

I sometimes feel that hole when I see people with children, knowing it will most likely never happen for me. It aches and makes me cry, and people tell me to get over the possibility that I might have miscarried in January. But i haven't, and I only write this to let you know I understand a little; although there is no way I can ever fully understand the pain you are going through.

{{{Hugs}}}
Angela

belinda said...

have i told you how much i love you today?

Dee said...

the ladies here said it best so I'm just going to give you some safe & comforting hugs and hope that things will get much better for you. I know right now it does not seem like it, but it will.

Safe & comforting hugs!
Dee

jadedchalice said...

this is one of those times where i dont know what to say, because i put myself in your shoes and just feel so much for you. My god if I could know you in person the hugs and love I would give you. Im not always so good with words, sometimes I am and sometimes Im not, but what I do think you need to know is how brave you are to talk about these things, and how beautiful and selfless your heart is. You are amazing and I can only send you my love and support and tell you that you have been so strong and I hope that day by day things get more bearable for you.

All the things that you are doing to take care of your kids and to help you all to be happy is amazing! You amaze me because you seem to be capable of doing that which is beyond me, and that is stepping outside of your own pain to offer your love and support to others, and especially to take care of your babies.

Thank you for being just who you are

Much Love

D

Zena said...

I am so touched beyond words....honostly I cant believe how kind everyone is to me, really I dont know what to say...I am actually sitting here in tears because I cant believe the love that I feel from you all...and really right now it means soooo much, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.

宥妃宥妃 said...

Thanks a lot for sharing (o>▽<)..................................................................