I hate to say it but truth be told my dad is well.... was abusive. In lots of different ways...verbally, emotionally and at his worst and from what I fear the most to be true, sexually.
thats not to say that he does not have good qaulitys and for the most part I cant quite remember what happened but I know he crossed some serious boundries and is perhaps the reason behind my eating disorder. I dont say things like this in gest and take it quite seriously and really I hate to even talk about it but for my daughters sake I feel that I must.
Something happened this weekend when I went to visit my dad. something I would rather pretend didnt, but for As sake I must bring this up.
He tried to kiss her.
In a way that made her uncomfortable, you could tell..it was obvious and when she would go along with the kiss he grabbed her butt...it brought back memories, not good memories and struck me in such a way that I know something is wrong something is or was very wrong with my childhood.
there are blocks of time that are missing from my memory...time I wish I knew what happened and then there are times I wish I could forget.
Like the time he kissed me.
I remember how scared I was.
I remember running from the room.
I remember feeeling dirty.
and I wont let that happen to A.
How dod I do this girls?? How do I tell this man I have feared my whole life not to touch my daughter like that? what do I say?
Dont do that to A!!!!
DO what? he would say
your making her uncomfortable....and it FUCKING scares me!!!
could I say that to him...leave out the fucking part...
I need to protect A and at the same time I am so afraid of my dad, afraid that he might leave me again but maybe it would give me some control the kind of control that I never had growing up, maybe it might be the start of healing a healing that has needed to happen for a long time...sigh....
i need to talk to my dad
god I am just so scared
maybe I am scared of the truth, who said " the truth shall set you free"?? and will it really or will I just live in fear forever?