Monday, August 25, 2008


I hate to say it but truth be told my dad is well.... was abusive. In lots of different ways...verbally, emotionally and at his worst and from what I fear the most to be true, sexually.

thats not to say that he does not have good qaulitys and for the most part I cant quite remember what happened but I know he crossed some serious boundries and is perhaps the reason behind my eating disorder. I dont say things like this in gest and take it quite seriously and really I hate to even talk about it but for my daughters sake I feel that I must.

Something happened this weekend when I went to visit my dad. something I would rather pretend didnt, but for As sake I must bring this up.

He tried to kiss her.

In a way that made her uncomfortable, you could was obvious and when she would go along with the kiss he grabbed her brought back memories, not good memories and struck me in such a way that I know something is wrong something is or was very wrong with my childhood.

there are blocks of time that are missing from my memory...time I wish I knew what happened and then there are times I wish I could forget.

Like the time he kissed me.

I remember how scared I was.

I remember running from the room.

I remember feeeling dirty.

and I wont let that happen to A.

How dod I do this girls?? How do I tell this man I have feared my whole life not to touch my daughter like that? what do I say?

Dont do that to A!!!!

DO what? he would say

your making her uncomfortable....and it FUCKING scares me!!!

could I say that to him...leave out the fucking part...

I need to protect A and at the same time I am so afraid of my dad, afraid that he might leave me again but maybe it would give me some control the kind of control that I never had growing up, maybe it might be the start of healing a healing that has needed to happen for a long time...sigh....

i need to talk to my dad

god I am just so scared

maybe I am scared of the truth, who said " the truth shall set you free"?? and will it really or will I just live in fear forever?

Love, Z


So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Tara, honey, maybe that's a conversation you shouldn't have alone with your dad. Can you ask him to come to a therapy session?

At the very least please, please talk about this with your therapist before having this discussion with him.

There is more that I could say, but I'll just say this: I'm here if you need anything.

Love, Steph

zubeldia said...

oh honey, how hard. Look, I agree with Steph, I am not sure if this is a conversation to have with your dad, at least not on your own.

Have you been talking about this with you T, honey? and S, too?

Sweetheart, I am pretty worried about you. How's the drinking? And what can we do to help you with all of this?

You're so fragile right now, and you have so much to heal. We're here for you, and please don't feel as though you need to give us anything back, chica. Okay> use all that strength to attend to these very deep wounds.

Love, Z

firefly said...

Hay Dear: He wants back in your life (your dad) so why would he risk something like that? You have a right to be angry with him. Don't feel guilted because he helped you pay for Remuda. I know you're thinking that. Did A try bringing the subject up with you? How uncomfortable she felt. Have you given her the "talk" yet. She needs to voice her feelings and know that what her grandparent did was uncomfortable.I'll call tonight!

Zena said...

I spoke up about the dad situation at program and got allot of great feedback on how to broach the situation, he called this morning to tell me my uncle passed away and he would be doing the service...ugh...I actually am going to have to hear him preach. I have to spend four hours with a family who basiciclly disowned me when I was 12, this should not make for a fun tuesday.

I am doing fairly well on the food front NO exercise in 10 days my friends nada none I will have to admitt I am getting a bit cranky...and feeling like a useless slob but I amdoing it I am working the program, they are all very impressed with me and said how great I am doing and how different I seem this time around....I stillam flying off the wings of remuda and realized how quickly I was able to catch this last relaspe!!

The kids start school in 5 days and I am starting to calm down about it, we finished the last of the school shopping up tonight so thats finally done. they look so cute in there new outfits and little shoes, I ll have to figure out a way to download some pics so i acan brag aboout my babies.

Mand I have a busy weekend planned we are redoing our bedroom paint and rug and all on Sat. and we are going out to dinner ALONE for the first time since I left remuda so that should be challangeing. Then on sunday were are taking the kis to a parade and chicken BBQ with rides and fireworks after it should be really fun!!;)

then we have to help my sister move on monday...busy weekend but good.

Steph, I need a invite to your blog.

Love, Zena

firefly said...

I'm glad to here that you are living life. Busy with kids and family good. Sounds like fun! I got out on Thursday afternoon. I'm not really checking blogs so check for e-mails. I want a picture of kids ready for school. lol

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Zena - sure thing :) What's your e-mail again?

Love, Steph

Zena said...

my email is

M is being a big dink and its really triggering...

Men suck


zubeldia said...

Oh honey, what's going on? Can you share what's happening?

You've been doing freakin' amazing, sugar.

firefly said...

Sorry M is being a dork. Do I need to lecture him? What is going on you need to tell him if he is being triggering

Zena said...

we got into a disagreement over me not loving him enough,I do love him I do , I just have a hard time expressing it, especially when he starts, they are so dumb...anyway we had a good night and i think the worst is over...

Love, Zena

zubeldia said...

Oh boy, what a difficult situation, sweetheart.

How are you today?

And, I was wondering if you guys had done any extensive couples' counseling?

You're in my thoughts, chica.
Love, Z

belinda said...

zena honey,
this situation is truly heartbreaking. is there anything i can do to help support you?
love you cupcake, you are in my thoughts often!

Zena said...

i am going to see my dad today...its for a funeral, his uncle dies so it wont be the best time to bring up you know what, buut it has left me feeling a bit uneasy, knowing there is something to be said and I am leaving it undone, its creating such anxiety and panic in me i dont know how to face him...

its a shame too cause my sisters going with me and it would have been the perfect time except his uncle dies, and they were close

oh well Iam doing really well other wise, behaviorly I AM DOING GREAT!! and I havent been able to say that in a long time..okay the kiddies are calling Ill update properlly later

Love, Zena