Friday, June 11, 2010

I didnt fall in...

I jumped...

My eyes were opened...

I knew where I was going...

I am now sitting at the bottom of a deep,dark hole...

I will sit here until I waste/rott away...

dont give me a ladder...

dont throw me a rope...

Life is to hard...

I cant do it...

So here I will sit...until the end...

Im sorry...

I tried...

I just dont have any fight left...

Its buried in the ground...along with my soul...

He stole it all, so I will sit here and wait for my fate to come...

I did try...its just to hard.

9 comments:

belinda said...

this is hard honey,
the hardest thing you will have to do in your sweet life but you are doing it, you are here.

of course, you know, i've felt the same as you have in this post. how did it go with S? time will heal you baby, i understand that's hard to hear and you feel shattered. it's ok to feel shattered. but don't give up. you will make it thru, i know it. we are in this together. x

lisalisa said...

scroll down and look at your last post- those sweet kids, your rational mind, all the love in your life. He didn't take everything.

(hug)

Lindsey said...

Giving up, it isn't worth it. Why would you want that hole to have the satisfaction of winning?

Things always get better, it just takes time.

As far as I remember, you didn't mention that you were standing in a hole of quicksand. This means you can still climb your way out.

Listen to lisalisa - look at those beautiful kiddos.

I'm sorry things are so rough on you at this time.

Sairs said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so horrible and awful right now. You have just gone through so so much this year. I wish there was something I could say to make it better, to make it right, but I can't. I can only say I am thinking of you and wishing you feel okay, even a little, sometime soon.
*hugs*
Sarah

又陽 said...

耐心是一切聰明才智的基礎。 ..................................................

Zena said...

I had an emergency apt. with pdoc (phone session) I had called and left her 2 urget messages last night RE: I over used my meds throughout the week and I had none left and I was flipping out...apparently flipping out to the point where I forgot to leave her a number to call me back on: she said she was so worried she slept with her phone in hopes I would call at some point in the night ( she was in Boston so she didnt have access to her records where my phone number would have been) she would have if she were able driven to her office in the dead of night to get my number to call me back but that would have been silly seeing how she was 3 hours away...I must say I am so lucky to have a team that cares so much about me, most people arent as lucky as I am and for that I am grateful. I spoke with S for about a half an hour last night again that was after our extended session yesterday in the am (pretty sure she skipped lunch to keep me there...see how good they are) anyway, my meds have been upped and I am no longer taking kolonipin but ativan, she called it in as soon as we got of the phone this morning...I have a 5 day supply, she ofcourse made me contract I wouldnt not take anymore then 4 per day, and I wont cause if I do I wont have enough to make it til my apt on thursday...Im hopeing that after some sleep ( havent slept in 3 or 4 days) I will be better able to think and maybe eat or drink something...I want to say that none of this is because I want to die, I just dont want to live and there is a difference, I wouldnt hurt myself, its just right now it to painful to even breath, my whole team thinks that this "extreme grief reaction" was triggered by the house cleaning, if you dont know what i mean go back a few posts and read about it...okay thankyou for the support and comments, im off to the world of ativan, pray it works...just pray...

as always, love tara (where ever she may be...)

belinda said...

i'm glad you got to talk to your pdoc & S. i take ativan too. i hope it helps you.

love you.x

firefly said...

Hope it works. I think I've overused mine. It's good to know you can take 4 . I love you Tara!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away. I have often felt the same way.

You will make it. It was just take time.

With much love and hugs,
Angela