Sunday, June 27, 2010

yeah so...

after a long talk with a good friend tonight where we kinda joked about our Eds, I realized..FUCK...Im so slipping...first thought

DONT REALLY CARE

that was also my 2nd 3rd and 4th thought

but K called to comfirm our apt tomorrow and to tell me she was pulling out all the stops because when I cancel 2xs in 2 days somethings up

so I am sat here

thinking

do I really not care..

or am I just desperate for some help

really I dont know

but i will go

and I will see how it goes..it couldnt make it any worse right??

I guess..its just talking about food...when so much else is happening seems...useless??

but really when I am honost...its not

I just wish it was

sorry

dont really know what Im saying ...

except...

Im struggeling

more then I would like to admitt...

because well...

its just food right??

only with me...its not

I suppose I should just accept that so I could recover already...

just dont know if I am actually ready

I mean I AM...

just...well...

it shouldnt hurt this much...

only thats not true...

i know better

recovery hurts..

i just need to remember the alternative is soooo much worse...

okay so an ED post...despite "my" better judgement

its out there

I need help

not sure I want it

but...will I ever??

so it cant hurt...to ask??

14 comments:

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Recovery does hurt. I'm slipping a bit too. It seems this recovery thing is not a smooth upward path, but instead is jagged and goes in fits and starts.

But it does matter. Food is essential for live, so it's not trivial. It may seem that way in the light of things - but you need to recover in order to help with your healing. You need to do it for yourself first. And it needs to matter to you.

(I hope this makes sense. I'm working it all out in my head too - recover: yes? no? partway? I don't completely know yet. Just know I care.)

{{{Hugs}}}
Angela

怡君 said...

死亡是悲哀的,但活得不快樂更悲哀。......................................................................

flaweddesign said...

Recovery is definitely not smooth. to struggle is ok because you have the power to get back on your feet and tell AN to screw off. there is no perfect recovery...keep talking...keep being honest. you can do it, one day at a time. xoxo

Zena said...

thankyou for the kind encouraging words...today ...right now...I have no desire to live, I have to see K in 4 hrs, I dont know if i will make it there..Im going to take some meds and try to calm down...life seems so futile...its only temporary anyway...right now I cant see the point...im sorry

Tenny21X said...

Tara,
It's clear why you are having a difficult time as you have been through a lot. I don't think anyone would deny that or that recovery will be hard as hell right now, as it will be hard to do anything positive, but I guess I'd like to ask you what are the good things in your life right now, what are the reasons you do want to recover and move on from this. There are always going to be difficult times, some excrutiating, some a little easier to get through, and we are always going to have to make the decisions to either A.) Fight like hell and take care of ourselves regardless by doing all that we need to- taking meds appropriately, following mealplan without question, going to all appointments and not manipulating this by any means. or B.) Doing things our way, not taking things seriously enough and giving in to the pain by letting it take over and doing things that are easier in that particular moment- adjusting our own mealplan and meds b/c it's easier, not going to appts causing our team to become concerned etc.
You say a lot that you want to take recovery seriosuly someday, well- you can't wait for "someday" to find you, you as an adult woman need to take the initative and just do it, even if it's hard. I mean, I know you hate it when people bring up your kids, but honestly, when you were over-using your meds last week, you could have died. And every time you choose to restrict or purge, you are decreasing your chances of a long life. They already lost their father, they need you Tara. Your ED can't be this important to you anymore, it's time to let it go and enjoy life with your children.

Zena said...

okay I just have to say this first because its the one thing I am proud of through all of this, I AM NOT IN A HOSPITAL AND HAVE NOT GIVEN UP. I havent purged in nearly a year, and its not because my team is to concerned that I dont want to go, its because I cant stop crying long enough to drive, since I was given a REAL medicine for sleep I have not over used my benzos at all in fact I have so many left Im not even sure I need a new script this week, I wasnt trying to drug myself to be high I needed to sleep, and its not that I dont want to recover I do, yeah I know its hard, its the deep seeded pain that I cant get past, where I feel immobile...unable to even pick up a fork because my heart aches so bad, believe me Im not starving to death, I drink plenty of boost well sometimes, I eat maybe not enough but I do, and yeah I do it cause of my kids, which is fine for now but will never provide for a lasting recovery, I have had enough therapy and tx to know that if you are doing it because YOU want to live then it wont stick...I trudge along hopeing that one day the pain wont be so great and I wont feel like some worthless human being, that I will actually WANT to live, but right now in this moment I dont, Im not going to hurt myself, because I have kids and yeah because I m not that brave...its amazing how I can post about the wretched grief I am going through and how tortured I am and you stay silent but as soon as I even mention Im struggleing its jump down my throat time...do I even know you, are you just trying to encourage me or chastize me...Ireally cant tell...maybe Im just being over reactive its possiable I just had it out with my inlaws and really I just cant take one more attack

firefly said...

Tara; I know that things are hard right now. Umm I don't think that being out of a hospital for a year is an accomplishment if you need it and just don't decide to go. That was the case with me more then you. You have been through a lot and know that I'm hear oh What is this you answer phones???Well you call me and I say hello hello. ugh I figure its the kids. I miss you!

belinda said...

tara,
ok, this is clearly going to take some time, which is ok because you do have time on your side ;)

recovery is scary and yup, it hurts and i'm going to take a guess that it's MORE scary now since everything with Mike. why? because you've lost what is familiar, known, safe. like me, you feel out of control at times. this is part of the process for both the grief and e/d recovery. feeling the fear and doing it anyway, coz that's what we are doing right? ;)

i know you are still here for your kids and i agree, at some stage you will want to be here for ((tara)) too. it's one step at a time and sometimes we gotta fake it till we make it, you know? and you will, i will.

take time in your day for you my sweet girl. it is safe to do so (that = permission!!)

Xx

Tenny21X said...

I have commented in the past, and you usually don't like what I have to say. More than likely b/c my style isn't cushy and huggy like everyone elses, b/c sometimes that doesn't always help. I have been challenged by many people in groups, on boards, on here etc. and it's been hard as hell to hear/read it but in the long run all the "oh, you poor thing's" didn't help, the tough questions and thought provoking stuff did, but only b/c I was ready to see truth & accept my part. If you re-read the posts from the dates of - June 9,10,11,13& 16, you'll see why one might come to the conclusion that you were abusing meds, alcohol and not eating properly or following the intructions of your team. No one can be expected to know any different other than what you yourself write about & share. I can't see into your life through a window, this is all any of us have, so when you write those words, for example- "...How 6oz of voodka, 8 klonipin, numerous other meds and 3 over the counter sleeping pills did not knock me out, well Im really not sure..."
that one might think (as expected), that you are engaging in extrememly dangerous behaviors. It's not an assumption, it's what you wrote. If it's not accurate, than don't write it. If it's what you felt, that's different, everyone has feelings & understandably, you'd have some very intense feelings right now, but you have been writing actions that you engaged in-- which are 2
very different things.
And for the record, the reason I rarely comment, and maybe why others have stopped as well, is b/c it seems you assume it's an attack of some kind if there are challenges of any kind and you end up defending yourself, trying to deflect the comment and the message in it.

I really do feel for you and your family, I can't imagine what you all have been through.

Sidenote, you honestly have no idea where I may have been the last month, or what's been happening to make it so I couldn't comment when you wrote about your grief. It's possible, I have just recently read the last month's blogs to catch up on your life...like you wrote in a recent entry, you can't assume you know what I've been dealing with either.

Zena said...

tenny21x,
this will be the last time I respond to your comments, your rude and clearly not someone who I would care to know...THIS IS NOT A RECOVERY WEBSITE/BOARD. when I write I dont write to ask for challenges...that is so not what blogging is about and if you have been around this community for any amount of time you would clearly take notice that we comfort, encourage and sometimes offer gentle advice, but mostly we are here to listen, to relate to each other and to gather strength from one another...Recovery from an ED is hard work, believe me you dont have to tell me that, and really if you had any idea who I truely am and who I have become, over the several yrs you would know that I am so much further along in my recovery then I had been...ITS A PROCESS, there are slips, laspes and yes sometimes relaspes, it happens, its the nature of the demon, I have a tx team who tell me, guide and encourage me through this process, I do not need YOU telling me I am recovering wrong, yep on the dates you mentioned I was really struggeling, I was having horrific nightmares, compounded by weekes of not sleeping at all, panic attacks, grieving horriably sad children, dealing with my own grief...I wrote about what i did cause it was the truth, and maybe what I did was unsafe, in fact i will concede that it was but I was feeling extremely desperate to get some relief, some sleep...I couldnt bare the constant thoughts they were eating me alive, but you know what, I was honost here and I was honost with my tx team, my pdoc found a med that helped me sleep without giving me vivid dreams, yeah my eatings not perfect, i struggle and sometimes (allot) its not about my desire to be thin, its about numbing out, being so exhausted from so many emotions that I can barely breath at times.

Dont tell me why you think others dont comment, you have NO idea who I was speaking about, they were people I have had relationships with not some random person who stumbeled apon my blog and feels the need to tell me how to recover, again I will say I have a tx team for that, they are highly qaulified, wonderful people who I trust and even though I dont always like what they say I listen and use it because I know they care and I TRUST THEM!!

Some random individual telling I have to recover for my children ...well you clearly have NO clue about how to achieve long standing and meaningful recovery because I have been in allot of tx, in several places and I was told by every professional I have ever seen, if I dont recover for ME, because I think I deserve a life and because I want freedom from this prison then it will NEVER last...I mean please what kinda crap is that, that I have to recover because I have kids, are you saying if you dont have kids then it doesnt matter, screw it, your lifes not worth it anyway...there are lots of people who read this blog and dont comment and you know what I recieved emails that what you said hurt them, made them feel worthless, like there was no value to thier life because they werent a parent...

and the fact that you write what you do and dont even make it available for people to see who you are, what you are about, what your story is and why you feel you have all this insider information well I find it creepy, nasty and wrong...I cant go onto your blog and tell you what I think you are doing wrong in your life, hell I cant even email you my response because you are to much of a coward to make your face known, so I am forced to do it here where every one can read it... know me, and why you think you have been given some gift to cure people with your "challanges" then DO NOT COMMENT...they are not welcome here, I will not have one person ruin my safe haven, the one place where I freely use my voice, where I bare it all (which by the way is something I have been told by PROFESSIONALS is very important to learn how to do in recovery).

Tenny21X said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tenny21X said...

oh, if you want to read my blog, just send me your email.
I just have it private, I am not keeping you out speicifally, just others.
And believe me, like I've said, I'm not pretending to be in your shoes, your pain must be unimaginable

Tenny21X said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Tara,
I just keep thinking about your post about kindness. There is a time for confrontation and there is a time of kindness and gentleness, and I believe right now you need all the kindness and gentleness you can receive. I'm sure your tx. team has dealt with the other issues; that is their job. I see our job as fellow bloggers is to support and try to hold you up during this incredibly trying time. I'm not trying to be "cushy and huggy" as Tenny21X has implied most of us are - I'm trying to be caring and non-confrontational, and to let you know how many people care about you even if we haven't met in person (yet maybe some day.)

I had someone do the same exact thing on my blog - confront me at a time when I was relapsing so bad I didn't care if I lived or died. That's when you wrote the post "For Angela" and had a picture of the sculpture you keep by your nightstand that said "LIVE." Well, I printed out a picture of that and taped it to my wall when I was in IP so I could look at it each night before I went to sleep. And it meant so much to me that someone would do that for me.

I think that what this circle of blogs is - a circle of friends who support each other, give each other virtual hugs and celebrate with each other when someone moves toward recovery. We understand the ups and downs of recovery and most of us know when to be gentle and when to gently confront eating disorder or other destructive thoughts. After all you have been through, your strength continues to amaze me. Yes, you've made mistakes, we all make mistakes. But you are one strong and courageous woman!

And if that's too cushy and huggy, Tenny, too bad. I wrote from my heart. Perhaps you should dig deeper within yours. Tara has been through HELL and you have NO RIGHT TO CRITICIZE HER. (Was that loud enough, Tara? Thanks for being you and standing up for me when I needed it!)