I will write a better more detailed post later but seriously enough is enough, like for reals.
I got a phone call from my neighbor (neighbor from our house)around 3:30 yesterday afternoon,
"Tara, its X, ummm I dont know how to tell you this but you need to come to the house the state troopers are here, they just caught 3 kids trying to break into your house"
"Oh my god, Im comeing..."
The whole 10 minutes it takes me to drive to my house I am in like fits of panic, like seriously PEOPLE SUCK!!!
When I get about 1 min from my house panic really sets in as I realize there are going to be police at my house, fucking lights and shit, and I cant stand lights and sirens and whatnot since his suicide, they give me panic attacks and to see them at my house Im gonna freak...
Get to house, Freak out..., 2 of my neighbors come to my car and help me out...seriously 4 freaking cop cars, lights a rolling me ready to gurl on the street, 3 kids in handcuffs...me on my knees trying to not wretch on the sidewalk...like come on already, TURN OFF THE FREAKING LIGHTS!!!
"mam...mam.." The officer is trying to talk to me
The town is not that big, its right out side of a city but its a town so the state troopers take care of everything, the same state troopers who were there that night, they new about everything, they were nice but i was a mess..."can you come to the barracks and make a statement??"
"ummmmm I guess"
The neighbor saw them trying to break in and called the police so the fuckers were caught red handed, but like I said its a small town ( oh did I mention the little deviants live up the street, so like they knew...about it all) so Im in the state trooper barracks sitting next to one of the shitheads mothers and shes all calm and stuff saying to the officer its a mistake...blahhh blahhh blahhhh
she didnt apologize, you know that her fucking 16 yr old deviant daughter was trying to rob me, even though the police CAUGHT THEM!!!
I made my statement as did my neighbor...and I got to leave...and totally meltdown in my car...fuckers like I dont have enough crap in my life now I have to deal with this...grrrrr
It just so happened that I had an appointment with S, so I drove there shaking and crying and just like lost my crap in her office..then I kinda detached...I couldnt focus on anything, my eyes kept darting around the room she kept trying to bring me back and help me ground myself but I was quickly loseing it...I stopped crying and just went numb, she was talking and I nodded and said a few things, about me having a right to be angry and I need to let myself feel angry, that I have so much to be angry about, anger wont hurt me its okay its an emotion, let myself feel it, it wont hurt me, not feeling it will hurt me ( or cause me to hurt myself)...I just went numb, I hadnt eaten all day and it was 6pm, it made me numb and i was cool with that..She says that I am relying way to much on meds and starving to manage my feelings and that it is NOT helping me, I need to learn to feel...email me she says, at least feel with me and K and pdoc, if you cant be real anywhere else practice with us, you are safe with us, its okay to feel...
sure yeah okay..
I drive to kids T sessions...
I drive them all home...call sean (mikes oldest)...I eat my (small) dinner its 8 pm...Sean calls back and he is flipping pissed, wants to kill the fuckers...and I flashed back to Mike and his rage...I got off the phone with Sean and had a freaking panic attack..I wasnt numb anymore ( I ate) and I was scared shitless ( I guess Sean triggered it with his anger) I felt completely unsafe...my arm went numb, I could feel it..I was hyperventalating...IT SUCKED!!
I had to keep telling myself I was safe, Im okay, I will be okay, I will not die, I am safe...and I was...I was able to come back to reality my arm regained feeling, I was left super freaking anxious and drained...and I sat there thinking "Seriously, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, how much can a girl take"
and I am left to wonder...what the hell is going to happen next???
I am sitting here thinking that my life reads like some crazy trashy novel...which reminds of the cute comment S made as I left her office..."if your going to blog about this you better do some kinda copyright thing, someones going to steal your story, your life is going to make one hell of a book someday."
Yeah a book..will I end up being the Hero, or will I be defeated...right now I feel so freaking defeated...
oh yeah this isnt a story or some shitty novel..its my life...the end isnt written yet... and I am not picking the chactacters. I am suppossed to be living it or creating it or something like that but crap...LIFE STOP THROWING ME CURVEBALLS...I DO NOT PLAY BASEBALL, IM ON MY LAST STRIKE, IF YOU DONT THROW ME SOME BALLS I WILL BE OUT ...JUST WALK ME JUST THIS ONCE, CAUSE REALLY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
okay as always Love, Tara