Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I saw K

she suprized me with dinner as it was dinner time...

starbucks Viviano smoothie (chocolate banana and 2 oatmeal cookies)

I was pissed.

but I really hate to dissapoint my tx team especially because they are so good to me.

I ate it...

I ruminated allot...

Distracted...((B))

she also gave me a magic wand, she has given it to me before about a yr ago when I was purging NUMEROUS times a day, I was to look at it, hold it, play with it whenever I felt like puking, and it worked..its got blue goo in it that slides back and forth in the water with beautiful sparkels, it reminds me of hope...I gave it back to her about a month before Mike died because I didnt think I needed it anymore I had it for like 8 months...now I have it back...so now I have some slight hope...that I will heal...

She is a beautiful person, I am so grateful for her.

I pick up the coroner report today...

I must bring it to S, then go back at 4:45 and I get to ask questions about it...I know it wont have the answers I want..it will have some concrete answers like EXACT TIME OF DEATH, which might help me some...but I am under no delusions that he most likely did not have some brain tumur undetected for years making him irrational and eventually leading to his suicide...logically I know that, will it still be difficult to hear the truth, ofcourse, but i will have S with me, and she will comfort me and guide me through, and she will keep the report so I cant obsess and ruminate over it...

okay thats it...

I have to start my day...allot to do

the cleaning lady is comeing to clean my house today so I need to go let her in and get all the supplies...

then the report

and I suppose a shower

not in that order.

Im anxious as all hell today.

well okay...im off

love, Tara

7 comments:

Eating Alone said...

Good luck with the wand. Glad she was there for you.

Keep yourself safe when you get your answeres.

battleinmind said...

I hope you find the answers to your questions.

I love the magic wand idea :) She sounds lovely.

xxxx

lisalisa said...

great job with the dinner...it's ok to need a little help sometimes.

((hug))

P.S. I wish my T would buy me a smoothie! They dont even have the water cooler in the lobby anymore, you have to bring your own. How lame is that?

flaweddesign said...

wow. i predict a difficult day. i hope you find some peace in the report. there will likely be unanswered questions forever but i'm sure you've heard this.

i'm glad you have the wand back. keep focussing on hope. :) you are better than needing to have your head in the toilet!

you're an inspiring fighter. :)

firefly said...

awww girlie, I'm glad you saw K and proud of you for dinner! You are so lucky to have such a good treatment team. Good luck today! I know its gonna be hard!! I love you !!!!!!

firefly said...

aww girlie: I'm hoping that you can get some sleep my friend. I know today was really hard for you!!!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

My T always offers me an Ensure Plus. :) I think I like the smoothie idea better.

Stay safe and know we are here.

{{{Hugs}}}

Angela