first I want to apologize to all whom I may have worried because of my ingenious idea, that indeed failed miserably...How 6oz of voodka 8 klonipin, numerous other meds and 3 over the counter sleeping pills did not knock me out, well Im really not sure, but it didnt, it just made me stupid and cry even more, I cried from grief I cried from still being awake, I cried because in my stupid state I emailed S and well ofcourse she freaked out...but since I was still able to coherently write (not sure how) she asked me questions...The questions are as follows and will be talked about in depth tomorrow (note I didnt respond to her email but i read it)
"Tara, I know you are in deep pain, and I wish I could could ease some of it for you, your answer to todays grief is not the correct one it will only prolong you dealing with what it is that needs to be dealt with, tell me something, what exactly is it that you are greiving, is it Mikes death, and the traumatic way in which he died, is it the life you now know that can never come to fruition or is it the life that you had wanted so despertly with him, that he could never give you. Im not going to sugar coat this for you, Im not going to let you selectivly remember the "Good MIKE". Mike was not a good husband, he abused you, he tormented you and hurt you, and yes in his own slightly diranged way he loved you, but he could never love you the way you deserved to be loved, he was obsessed with you, you know that, you know his feelings about/toward you were unhealthy for both of you, he was hurting you and hurting himself by not admitting his own very deep sickness....I want you to think about the truth, what it is that is hurting so much, we will talk about it on friday morning and all I can say about tonights actions is DO NOT DO IT AGAIN!! its not safe, its very dangerous and its going to force me to "contract" you, and neither of us wants that...call me in the morning, and you know where the only comfort you will truely recieve remains...your lord, so next time you feel you have no other option look to your faith, fall to your knees and pray, as I will be praying for you tonight as well...YOU WILL BE OKAY, I promise."
Sooooo....Im a dumbass...I do stupid things, get myself in hot water and possiably a contract and all for what another night of sobbing into my pillow...next time I tell you I have this great Idea to release some of my pain, just remimd me "STUPID IS....STUPID DOES"
plus it leaves you sick to your tummy the next day which ED enjoys but your tx team HATES...SO TARA, STOP BEING A DUMBASS, PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS, AND BUCK UP!
hahahahaha my big girl pants dont fit, they are to big, dam cant do anything right...
okay sorry...no more drama at least not for today.
ps, havent sobbed in an hour and a half...so far its a new record (BLAHHHHHH)
as always love love
Tara
1 comment:
Tara, I'm glad you put her letter to you in here. You need to listen to her. She knows Mike and what was done to you. I came in at the end when you were leaving him. I left a semi-abusive relationship - mental not physical. I still love her and think about her 20+ years later. I used ED to get around life durring that time. I don't want to see you stop here. Life goes on. It hurts but it will go on no matter what.
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