first I would like to say I had a pretty good weekend, the kids and I went away to an indoor water park and they had a great time. I cant find my connector to download the pictures to show you how happy they were, when I find it I will post the pictures but I suppose right now it doesnt matter I did what I set out to do, to protect them from knowing that it was fathers day weekend, they didnt know, that was my goal, they had a wonderful, sliding and slashing in the water, sleeping in a hotel and just being away from our life, I think for a couple of days they forgot about the crap of what has happened these last months and for that I am grateful because that was my goal. It was difficult for me as I knew it was fathers day and it hurt to know that my kids dont have one anymore but they forgot and that I am so grateful for...I never noticed before how many loving fathers there are in this world and it made me very very sad...but well thats the end of that.
I dont really know how to say this, and really I dont know how many people will read this but I need to say it because it has really been bothering me. Mike used to tell me all the time that I spent to much time blogging and commenting on others blogs, offering support, advice and encouragement, he used to tell me that "these people dont really care about you the way you care about them, you are wasting your time." and I am begining to think he was right. I know I rarely comment on anyones blog anymore, I dont have the energy, I cant think of inspiring things to say and really I am just hurt that the people who I spent so much time over the last couple years supporting have seemed to abandoned me in my time of greatest need. It really hurts to think that the people whom I so deeply cared about dont seem to care that my life has been dramaticly altered these last 3 months, that not even a note of "im still thinking or praying for you" cant be left.
maybe because I am to depressing or I say some of the same things over again, I dont know, but last week when I wrote about my house being broken into, mine and mikes house, the house that he built no one seemed to care, there are those of you who do comment and im not talking about you, and the thing is the people who do comment are my friends outside of this blog, they tell me regularly how much they care about me, we talk and I know they care, but it really never occured to me that although we all live in different parts of the country that we werent really friends, I always thought that we were even if we didnt speak in real time, I always thought we had a connection and that during times of great stress and hurt we (I) would be supported.
Maybe I am being super sensitive, and this is not some post to beg for comments cause really if you dont care then I dont want you to comment anyway, this is for me, to get out my feelings...yes my blog was started as a way to help me journal my feelings and to get out my thoughts but it had turned into a way for me to connect with others who struggled with the same things and not just our eating disorders but the struggles of life. This blog has become a documentation of my life and maybe one day it will help me write my book, but I have to say I valued others imput, words of love and encouragement used to help me get through my day, helped me to know I wasnt alone out there...maybe I was stupid to believe that I was actually cared about, That I wasnt just someone that you commented on or read to kill time, I acyually believed we were friends.
This is not meant to come across as a woe is me, pity me post, because really I am strong and I know that somehow my children and I will survive this...survive everything, that one day I wont have an eating disorder that one day we will somehow heal from the loss of Mike, I guess I just thought that allot of you would be a part of that healing, that you would stick by me even though I dont have much positive to say these days.
I want you all to know that, and it really is sad to say that people dissapoint you, and its not just you guys its my "friends" in real life, who dont call anymore, who just assumed that I would be fine 2 weeks after my husband killed himself..Im sorry if Im not fine, that Im not more uplifting or that because I have been unable to comment and leave inspiring comments on your blog, that you seem to have abandoned me. I am hurt. I suppose I should just get over it and realize that this is how the world works, people dont just give, that its conditional, that they only give if you are able to give back...It hurts to think that I thought everyone here was so differnet, that the people I "met" here were different. and I suppose it shouldnt matter, that maybe I shouldnt be so sensitive, but unfortunately I am, I ( even though in the last months I have shown it, I was invested in you all) I actually would spend my time praying and thinking about your lives, hopeing and wishing that things would get easier for you, that you wouldnt hurt so much...I feel abandoned in my time of greatest need and really it just hurts.
I will get over it, just like I must do in my life with the things that have happened, but i needed it said that the place where I thought I could turn, to the people I thought I could turn to for advice or just a word of encouragement arent there anymore...its just one more loss.
and really if this is even read I dont want a bunch of comments saying that I either shouldnt be so sensitive or that you feel sorry for me, I just needed to express my hurt and this is where I do it, on my blog, a place where my thougts are recorded, and I suppose it is still a place where i will do it, I guess I just shouldnt expect that others really care, when its clear that they really dont.
Thats it, just wanted to get it out so Im not festering on it anymore, I guess I have "purged" my feelings and that was the whole point of me starting this blog anyway.