Tuesday, June 22, 2010

a weekend away.... and a note of hurt

first I would like to say I had a pretty good weekend, the kids and I went away to an indoor water park and they had a great time. I cant find my connector to download the pictures to show you how happy they were, when I find it I will post the pictures but I suppose right now it doesnt matter I did what I set out to do, to protect them from knowing that it was fathers day weekend, they didnt know, that was my goal, they had a wonderful, sliding and slashing in the water, sleeping in a hotel and just being away from our life, I think for a couple of days they forgot about the crap of what has happened these last months and for that I am grateful because that was my goal. It was difficult for me as I knew it was fathers day and it hurt to know that my kids dont have one anymore but they forgot and that I am so grateful for...I never noticed before how many loving fathers there are in this world and it made me very very sad...but well thats the end of that.

part 2

I dont really know how to say this, and really I dont know how many people will read this but I need to say it because it has really been bothering me. Mike used to tell me all the time that I spent to much time blogging and commenting on others blogs, offering support, advice and encouragement, he used to tell me that "these people dont really care about you the way you care about them, you are wasting your time." and I am begining to think he was right. I know I rarely comment on anyones blog anymore, I dont have the energy, I cant think of inspiring things to say and really I am just hurt that the people who I spent so much time over the last couple years supporting have seemed to abandoned me in my time of greatest need. It really hurts to think that the people whom I so deeply cared about dont seem to care that my life has been dramaticly altered these last 3 months, that not even a note of "im still thinking or praying for you" cant be left.

maybe because I am to depressing or I say some of the same things over again, I dont know, but last week when I wrote about my house being broken into, mine and mikes house, the house that he built no one seemed to care, there are those of you who do comment and im not talking about you, and the thing is the people who do comment are my friends outside of this blog, they tell me regularly how much they care about me, we talk and I know they care, but it really never occured to me that although we all live in different parts of the country that we werent really friends, I always thought that we were even if we didnt speak in real time, I always thought we had a connection and that during times of great stress and hurt we (I) would be supported.

Maybe I am being super sensitive, and this is not some post to beg for comments cause really if you dont care then I dont want you to comment anyway, this is for me, to get out my feelings...yes my blog was started as a way to help me journal my feelings and to get out my thoughts but it had turned into a way for me to connect with others who struggled with the same things and not just our eating disorders but the struggles of life. This blog has become a documentation of my life and maybe one day it will help me write my book, but I have to say I valued others imput, words of love and encouragement used to help me get through my day, helped me to know I wasnt alone out there...maybe I was stupid to believe that I was actually cared about, That I wasnt just someone that you commented on or read to kill time, I acyually believed we were friends.

This is not meant to come across as a woe is me, pity me post, because really I am strong and I know that somehow my children and I will survive this...survive everything, that one day I wont have an eating disorder that one day we will somehow heal from the loss of Mike, I guess I just thought that allot of you would be a part of that healing, that you would stick by me even though I dont have much positive to say these days.

I want you all to know that, and it really is sad to say that people dissapoint you, and its not just you guys its my "friends" in real life, who dont call anymore, who just assumed that I would be fine 2 weeks after my husband killed himself..Im sorry if Im not fine, that Im not more uplifting or that because I have been unable to comment and leave inspiring comments on your blog, that you seem to have abandoned me. I am hurt. I suppose I should just get over it and realize that this is how the world works, people dont just give, that its conditional, that they only give if you are able to give back...It hurts to think that I thought everyone here was so differnet, that the people I "met" here were different. and I suppose it shouldnt matter, that maybe I shouldnt be so sensitive, but unfortunately I am, I ( even though in the last months I have shown it, I was invested in you all) I actually would spend my time praying and thinking about your lives, hopeing and wishing that things would get easier for you, that you wouldnt hurt so much...I feel abandoned in my time of greatest need and really it just hurts.

I will get over it, just like I must do in my life with the things that have happened, but i needed it said that the place where I thought I could turn, to the people I thought I could turn to for advice or just a word of encouragement arent there anymore...its just one more loss.

and really if this is even read I dont want a bunch of comments saying that I either shouldnt be so sensitive or that you feel sorry for me, I just needed to express my hurt and this is where I do it, on my blog, a place where my thougts are recorded, and I suppose it is still a place where i will do it, I guess I just shouldnt expect that others really care, when its clear that they really dont.

Thats it, just wanted to get it out so Im not festering on it anymore, I guess I have "purged" my feelings and that was the whole point of me starting this blog anyway.



battleinmind said...

Hi Tara, you executed your point really well, it hurts when you feel people desert you in your time of need.
I'm glad you had a good weekend despite the difficulty of father's day.
Thank you for writing so honestly and openly on here, not just in this post, but in all of them. I guess people may not comment because they simply don't know what to say, which is a crap excuse, but I guess it's a common human trait and people don't know what to say when someone is grieving.
Thinking of you.

lisalisa said...

I guess I am in the same boat as you, in that lately I have been struggling to know what to say and comment on peoples blogs. I try to come up with something inspirational, something that I think would help, but usually I can't think of anything so I just think "well I'll come back and post a comment later" and then I forget. I am still reading your blog and thinking about you even if I am not commenting. I had no idea you were feeling hurt and abandoned and I feel terrible. I guess I should have realized that a simple "thinking of you" would be better than nothing.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me.

belinda said...

love you hon.

firefly said...

Tara: I'm glad you were able to get away this weekend. I want you to know that this just isnt a blog to me. I followed you from SF to your blog and weather you like it or not into the lives of you and the kids. I care deeply for you and sometimes wonder when you don't blog much. I wish I could come and help more often. I want to be there for you but then ed gets in the way. I'm not sure why others haven't left comments I9 know there was a period on here where you did leave and after a while people just didn't know anymore. I was so worried I was looking at obits. Maybe you lost some readership there. Sometimes people don't know what to say. Sometimes a relationship has to be recipical. At times others are also in a bad spot. I know I would get hurt too when most of my blogs go unanswered. It does hurt. I think hmmm what was I looking for direction encouragement?You know I care. I think people find out who their true friends are when tragedy strikes. Hang in there!!!

Tenny21X said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jadedchalice said...

i truly can understand how you feel. It hurts when your needing support the most and not getting it. I know that I felt like when I was truly expressing my darker emotions that people started to avoid my blog. I also thought about deleting my blog for that reason. I hope you know that I dont read your stories for entertainment, I do care...

Here is one thing of note, alot of people relate to you and care very much but may not know WHAT to say considering you have been going through somethings that are unimaginable. I hope you know that you are so important and that people care very much about you.

I do at least I can not speak for everyone but I can tell you when I have failed to comment it was because i was in my own world falling apart too at the time.

I hope you feel better


Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I care and I have been praying for you. I just wish I could do more . . .

Zena said...

Im not really quite sure what to say, I am feeling a bit selfish right now and silly for even writting this post, I actually thought about deleteing it but didnt get around to it because of kid therapy, my therapy and cleaning and emptying of my house. I appreciate all the comments, I feel very grateful that people let me know that I am not alone.

I Thankyou so much for acknowledgeing my hurt, thankyou sincerly for apologizing, thankyou for letting me know that I wasnt imagining the connection that was/is there...and I am sorry for just assuming that because you didnt comment that you didnt care, perhaps it was because I am feel so alone and so abandoned by mike that I am projecting some of those feeling onto others that I care deeply for, I dont really know, I am very confused...thankyou for letting me know that you are still even, even if you dont know what to say...and sweetie I love you too.

to whom deleted thier comment, unfortunately, all the comments are emailed to me so I am able to read what you wrote, and I did find it a bit harsh as in my post I wasnt talking about everyone who reads my blog, it was a select few, who I am sure if they read the post would know that it was them I was hurt by. believe me I get it that other people have lives and thier own struggles, believe me I do get that...but when you have formed relationships with people whether it be here or anywhere else it still hurts when you think it was ended...to be perfectly honost with you, I am very closed off, I spent my entire adult life with a man who by all accounts was very controlling, I dont have many friends in "real time" my computer became a way for me to make connections, perhaps thats pathetic but its the truth, I am trying to reconnect with people in my church but its hard, I have social anxiety...and well its just hard, you didnt need to delete your comment, I can take peoples honost oppinion of the situation, I just think you were unaware of who I was talking about...

anyway, I am glad I didnt delete the post, I appreciate ALL the comments and did help me to realize that maybe because "people" dont comment dosent mean they dont care, I will continue to blog, my ups and downs and I will do my best to put aside my feelings of abandonment if certain people dont comment, I need to understand that what has happened and what I am dealing probably leaves allot of people at a loss for words.

Love, Tara

ania said...

Dear Tara,

Though you and I haven't been 'close', we know of each other.

I wanted to come out of my hiding spot to let you know that since I have caught up with what's been going on, and pray for you and your family quite often.

I'm not really part of *this* world anymore, but I need to tell you that so many times I've prayed for you - but didn't comment.

You are strong. You are surviving all of these tragic and life-changing things. You haven't given up, even when you want to.

I admire you for that.

I'm sorry if it now appears that I was being voyeuristic, and I can't promise that I'll frequently comment. But I do think of you, and I have seen you grow and mature in many ways.

Please take care, dear girl.

Eating Alone said...

Hey Tara, your kids do have a father, he is not with them but will allways be a part of them.

As for the commenting stuff, well a lot of the people are dealing with a lot. I know for myself I've been slipping backward now for about 2 months, that tends to isolate me a lot. Also when I read and see your pain I just don't know what to say. I can not imagine the pain your going through and just kind of lock up. Mr. Perfect wants to make it better but can't.

I hope you can understand that. My best friend (in real life) had his second kid about 3 months ago and I've seen him 3 times. So I'm not good at people things.