Sunday, May 23, 2010

The weekend of shit...

It started Friday with the "DREAM"/ "NIGHTMARE"

I had T on Friday and spent the whole time just venting and crying, about my dream, my lack of sleep, my devastation, how he could have done this to us, my kids, their horrendous pain, the agony of it all...

Somehow it "slipped"my mind to tell her that I was thinking about not eating again, that I wasnt just thinking about it, that I needed it, I needed the emotional numbness that starving brings, That I needed a break, that I couldnt take it anymore...

So around 3 on friday I emailed her, I emailed her all the thoughts I was having, the fact that I just "needed a break" and really I just couldnt do it anymore, I apoligized for dissapointing her and Karen that I really wanted to get better but the whole affrimation "Recovery hurts, but the alternative is so much worse." just wasnt playing out, Listening to the ED voice screaming at me, my kids screaming, hitting, kicking, panicking, and the constant emotional turmoil just wasnt worth the end result (although I still dont know what that end result might be....other then the term "FREEDOM"...which right now means jack to me)

I must tell you I emailed her on friday at 3 because of 2 reasons, I dont lie to my tx team, and 2 because I really didnt think she would get it til sunday night...

I was wrong.

Karen called me at 5...."S called, I heard you might not be texting your food tonight, your having thoughts of restricting, how can I help you?" me..."Im fine" K "Tara, you are not fine, let me help you." me "I cant do this anymore, it hurts to much, I need an emotional break, I need to be numbed out...geez I guess this is what I get for having a tx team who talks..." K "yup"...so let me help you..." me " I dont want help want help now...I want a break...."I start to cry... K " Tara you are so strong and I know you are in so much pain but not eating will not make you feel less pain, you wont be able to deal with what you HAVE to, if your body is starving...let me help you..you want to meet for a smoothie (ie :starbucks banana chocolate viviano...we are starbucks people:) )
"No, I will be okay" what I wanted to say was "just leave me the fuck alone, I hate lieing to you guys but shit if I knew you would be on me like white on rice I would just fucking lie...dam!!" K "I know its the weekend but Im going to checking in with you all weekend." Me " you dont have to" K "your right, but I want to and I will." Me "okay" K " Tara, I know it hurts, it hurts more then I could ever know, but YOU dont deserve to keep hurting yourself!" me "okay" K "i will call you later..."

and she did...and I didnt lie, I told her afternoon snack skipped, dinner small, evening snack not happening...we talked...more like she talked and I nodded only she couldnt see me nod so she probably thought I wasnt listening...

Saturday....I woke up puking ( go figure) somehow dragged myself to Alyssa's soccer game came home collasped at the end of my bed and stayed there til this morning...( when I said I wanted to not eat I meant by choice not because I couldnt walk down the stairs...) needless to say K's calls and S's emails went unanswered (note to self: call K and return email to S)....I really didnt do much of anything today except Alyss'a homework and now writting this post...which I must either a) be still sick or b) malnourished because I cant remember why I started writting in the first place...anyway...hmmmm

oh so this weekend I didnt eat, well I had a cheese stick and a coke zero but thats like 2% of my mp so Im gonna think that doesnt really count....I guess you could say I fell of the wagon or that I got sick I just had some bandwagon falling off thoughts before hand, either way I feel bad, I need to do "the next right thing"...I just think I will start tomorrow.....its just a laspe....I will fix it...tomorrow...sorry if I let you guys down too...I m gonna go now cause I dont think Im making any sense...blahhhh

Love always,

Tara

3 comments:

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Tara,

You didn't let anyone down. You are having a rough time and restricting is the tool you've used to numb the pain. But tomorrow you *can* pick up that fork/spoon/whatever and eat. Just keep talking to your team and know we are all supporting you. Recovery is never going to be perfect. Just keep trying and "Never quit."

{{{Hugs}}}
Angela

Liv said...

Im sorry your heart hurts so much. Im proud of you that you chose to reach out to your team and be honest. I am not doing well with meal plan and feel so fearful of letting down, dissapointing, being the non compliant patient and being "fired". But i reached out and told my dietician and she was very supportive. These teams are here to help us. We have to be willing to let them help us. I can understand the desire to numb and just zone out. I cant relate exactly to your painful situation, it must be difficult. I have never met you but am proud of you that you are reaching out and continue to write on your blog an be authentic and honest. I hope your coming week is a little easier and you feel stronger to face all the emotions you are facing. Stay strong!!

firefly said...

ummm you could have started NOW no time like the present. Your t and N really care about you sometimes more then you care for yourself. Look within you have strength that can move mountains! Remember you are spiritual grad school!